Today, as a part of my autobiography project for school, I needed to have 2 friends and 2 family members each write me a letter. I ended up having to forge 3 letters. FML
Today, I turned 30. While all my friends are getting married, furthering careers and having children, I'm still sat around being as immature as I was as a teenager. I'm going through a classic case of premature age-jaculation. I laughed for 10 minutes after coming up with that. FML
crixon42 tells us more.
crixon42 4
OP here, love all you guys who appreciate the pun, and don't you all worry I do not live at home, I have a job and am not a serial sponger.
Today, while swimming in the ocean, I felt some sand under my wedding ring. I took it off for a second, and got hit by a huge wave. My ring is now lost somewhere in the ocean. FML
smiley1014 tells us more.
I guess I didn't put on the FML that I am a male. My wife told me that she wants me to wear my ring (except during work, which is Aviation and we're not allowed). I told her I wasn't comfortable wearing it in the ocean, and she said I had to anyway. After losing my ring, my wife bought snorkel equipment and I spent an hour diving for it until the sun set. My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and we both got a laugh out of it, and we purchased another ring the next day in a Hawaiian market that now has a story and more meaning than the first ring.
Today, my mother gave me a bottle of stool softeners as a gift at my baby shower. FML
Today, I was jogging on my farm when I discovered a cave. Unfortunately for me, I discovered said cave by tripping and falling into it where there was still a 10ft drop to the bottom. FML
kcountry92 tells us more.
kcountry92 15
Hey everyone! I'm the lucky accidental cave explorer and I'm also alright from the fall, just a little bruised. It is a beautiful cave and, as soon as I can find the time, I'm going to go back into it and see if it connects to the 2 other caves on my property. The irony of the situation is that I was part of a Caving Grotto where I live and had just come out of another new cave just a couple hours before this happened. To answer a question I saw, I happen to rock climb as well, so getting out of the cave wasn't as rough as getting into it lol.
Today, I got into a fight with a lawn chair. It won. FML
Today, I was at a diner with friends when we decided to put our phones in the middle of the table on the basis that whoever looks at theirs first has to pay. It was going well, until someone rushed up behind me, slammed my face into the table and ran out with our 4 phones. FML
Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML
Today, after just having used the bathroom, my ring fell in the toilet. After stealthily removing it with a toothbrush, I went to go wash it in the sink. It then fell down the drain. FML
Today, I tried to storm out of the room during an argument, but walked face-first into our closed sliding glass door. My boyfriend laughed so hard that he had to sit down. Later, we noticed the nose mark I left. He won't let me clean it, because he wants to show it to everyone. FML
raz_berri93 tells us more.
I just wanted to clarify that later he felt bad and asked if I was fine, which I was. I also laughed at my clumsiness... I was even the one to close that door! Oops. I cleaned the mark (which he hasn't come home to see yet) and there is no violence... It's a funny story within our families now since I'm actually well known to be clumsy!
Today, I told my roommates they have to go get jobs, because I can't afford to support them or their bad habits any more. They responded by pawning all my DVDs for cash to buy cigarettes. FML
Today, my debate partner repeatedly said "You mad, bro?" to the opposing team in our college debate class. That debate was worth a considerable portion of our grade. FML
Today, I decided to confront my friend who has been stealing from me for months. She denied it, while wearing a pair of my pants. FML
Today, I found out my best friend made a program to reply to my text messages with random sentences from a list. It took 15 minutes of texting before I finally noticed. FML
Today, I watched my mother tell a man that the holocaust was "a good thing" and "necessary for population control". That man was my girlfriend's father. Who is Jewish. FML
Today, I decided to make what I thought was a pretzel recipe. I ended up eating cooked, egg-coated play dough. Literally, homemade Play-Doh. FML
thecodecat tells us more.
thecodecat 24
I didn't know it was play dough. The recipes got switched. I only ate on bite then I realized what was wrong and threw them out.
Today, while my hometown mayor becomes a world-famous crackhead and douche-bag, here in the UK it has come to this: when people hear my accent and ask me if I'm American, it's less embarrassing just to say, "Yeah", rather than admit I'm Canadian. FML
Today, I fell down in the street when a speeding car chucked a hard-boiled egg at my butt. While I waited for the feeling in my legs to return, they came back and threw more. FML
Today, while I was in a bathroom stall, the guy next to me asked me for toilet paper. It was then that I realized I didn't have any either. FML
Today, I superglued the sole back into my shoe. Unfortunately, the glue didn't dry as quickly as it said it would on the bottle. The glue seeped through the sole and my foot got superglued to my shoe. FML
Today, while shopping for clothes, I asked the assistant to recommend something for me. She took me to the maternity section. Thanks, but I'm not pregnant. FML
Today, my boyfriend's ex moved into the apartment beneath us. She's already called the cops on us for a noise complaint twice. We were sleeping. It's going to be a long year. FML
Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML
Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML
Today, my wife and I were watching Killing Kennedy. Jokingly, I said, "Spoiler alert: he dies." She threw a book at me and won't talk to me. I think she's serious. FML
Today, I was quizzing a girl at my college, and I noticed that when she answered a question, her ears wiggled. It was cute, so I pointed it out. She burst into tears, and the guy next to me said, "Way to make her feel insecure, douchebag." FML
Tao26 tells us more.
Today, at the movies, some asswipe kept throwing candy at me. After 20 minutes of it, I got up and went over to get him to stop. Good news: his balls vanished faster than a politician's spine immediately after being elected. Bad news: I got kicked out for "starting a disturbance". FML
Today, I met my brother's girlfriend. We got talking, and we got onto the subject of tattoos. I said how much I hated tramp stamps, and how they make girls look trashy. She said, "Like this?" and showed me hers. FML
Today, after working all week on a group project, I realized I forgot to submit the assignment and missed the deadline. I now have to tell my group that we automatically failed. FML
lax52389 tells us more.
lax52389 4
FYI it was an honest mistake and the paper was only turned in 8 minutes late...after some frantic talks with my teacher she agreed not to penalize my group and just deduct points from me. Lesson learned!!
Today, I heard my dad complaining that he won't be able to go to a concert, because it's happening on my birthday. This is the first time he's even acknowledged my birthday in over ten years. FML
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