Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML
Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML
Today, I went to my boyfriend's work to surprise him. When I got there, I called him on his phone to tell him to turn around. I saw him look at his phone. His co-worker next to him asked who that was. He replied, "Just this fat chick I know." FML
Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend of two years has been having an affair with another woman. He works with me and the woman also works in the same company. She is also married and is now 6 months pregnant. They are throwing a baby shower for her on Monday. FML
Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met at a speed dating event. He recommended the lamb shank, which I ordered without looking at the menu. When the waiter took my order, my date said, "wait, the lamb is $27, why don't you get the chicken". He then ordered the lamb for himself. FML
bettysue tells us more.
The facts are this: 1) I was asked out on a date. 2) I don't care about money. 3) I let him pick the restaurant so that he could keep it in his price range. I even offered to do coffee instead of dinner so that it wasn't a waste of money if we didn't have any real connection anyway. 4) He had been to the restaurant before and ordered the lamb dish, so he knew how much money it was. 5) I ordered water to drink. 6) He didn't even let me look at the menu before he recommended I get the lamb dish, because if I had I would never have selected a meal that was that expensive. 7) He told me to change my order in front of the waiter, and then ordered the lamb for himself. Not wanting to be a total bitch, I didn't complain, but at that point I expected him to pay for dinner. if I couldn't order what I wanted, why the hell should I pay? To all of you losers out there who weren't brought up properly, this is not the way to go about taking a woman on a first date. If you can't understand that, then I feel sorry for you. The whole point of this site is to tell humorous stories about everyday, insignificant things that people can relate to because we've all been there. It was a bad first date, but I think its a funny story. Whatever.
Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML
Today, I hooked up with this man for the first time. He takes his shirt off and has a chestful of black hair. He had his name shaved into it. FML
Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML
Today, while surfing facebook I noticed someone in my network had recently shifted his relationship status from undeclared to "single." We've been dating exclusively for nine months. FML
Today, I showed my boyfriend a picture of me in what I thought was a sexy skintight dress. He responded by saying, "It's ok, I went through a pudgy stage too." The picture was from Saturday night. FML
Today, I realized it's been 5 days since my boyfriend last answered the phone when I called. Two weeks ago, he told me he used to break up with his girlfriends in a very juvenile way. He doesn't answer their phone calls. FML
Today, my fiance told me that he no longer loves me, that he still has feelings for an ex. The wedding is off and he needs the ring back to give to the right woman. FML
Today, my girlfriend asked me to get her new clothes. She's gone from a size 4 to a size 12 during our relationship. FML
Today, I found out my girlfriend's password for okcupid is "i_love_mike". My name is not Mike. FML
Today, my boyfriend out of the blue told me I wasn't fat, that my stomach was flat and it was only my butt that was big. I thought that this was a compliment. His response? "Not at all". FML
Today, I sent a guy that I like a lot a picture of myself. I'd got all dressed up sexy and did my make-up. He sent me a reply saying, "Your cat is fat." FML
Today, I woke from last night after meeting the most amazing man, and after giving him a good morning kiss, roll out of bed to use his bathroom. After using his toothbrush, I go to replace it in his holder only to find not one, but several prescriptions for herpes in his unzipped toiletry bag. FML
Today, I went out on a date with a girl for the first time. I opened her car door for her and then slammed her leg in it upon closing. She will be in a cast for 6 weeks. FML
Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me he'd help me shave my mustache. I'm a girl. FML
Today, though I'm normally unperturbed by my single-ness, I walked by some squirrels engaged in mating rituals and felt a pang of jealousy. FML
Today, I came home early from work and discovered my husband wearing a black babydoll nightdress, black stockings and high heels... He says it helps him to relax. FML
Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card that read, "You made it to 36!" It's my 35th birthday. FML
Today, my boyfriend called me by his mother's name for the 100th time. I'm a guy. FML
Today, I asked the girl I like if she wanted to go to the movies, she said yes and I said I'd let her pick the movie. She picked the movie, "Just Friends". FML
Today, I'm 19, I'm at uni, I've never been kissed and the only person I have had a proper conversation with in the past week is my Mum. FML
Today, my best friend was crying because her boyfriend is a retard. I brought my thumb up to wipe a tear off her face, and somehow stuck it up her nose. FML
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