Today, I gave my girlfriend some non-alcoholic beer as a joke. In slurred speech, she told me I have the body of a monk seal. She then took my keys, staggered to my car, and drove away. She crashed into a tree two blocks later. She's fine. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went out with a girl who I really love. We arrived to her house and before she got out of the car, I attempted to kiss her as planned. Still drunk, I grabbed her head and twisted it when I kissed her. She's now wearing a neck brace. Real smooth. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, but she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML
Today, I went on a date with a girl. We drove separately and met at the restaurant. Over the course of two hours she drank a gallon and a half of beer, then her boyfriend picked her up because she was too drunk to drive home. FML
Today, I met a girl at a bar. After buying her a few drinks, we decided to head back to her place. Not wanting to leave either of our cars, I followed her home. While driving, she sent me text because she missed her exit. I tried to text her back something witty and instead rear ended her. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend of 3 years. She responded by drinking all the alcohol in sight, falling unconscious and pissing herself. Six hours later, she said that I was too immature and that's why it would never work. FML
Today, I went to a bar with a close friend. She got drunk and was feeling sick, so I carried her to my car to take her to her house. Some stranger accused me of drugging her and tackled me with her in my arms. She threw up on me, and he took off running without an apology. FML
Today, I woke up from a night of heavy drinking to find my girlfriend dumped me. Apparently I drunk-called her last night and told her that someone as beautiful as her could be with someone way better than me. She agreed. FML
Today, I was out having a beer with a few friends. After getting a pint, I slipped in a puddle of beer, fell on top of a stranger on the sofa, and knocked my beer upside down on my head. Then, completely soaked, I realized I'd also knocked over the table, spilling its content on a poor girl across it. FML
Today, I was told by my girlfriend that in the thralls of my drunken haze last night, I tried to French-kiss her mom. FML
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Top comments
whiskeydick 0
who gets anything off of one beer anyway? if she was any more of a lightweight she'd float away.
dan81892 2
it means that she thought she was drinking something alcoholic, and her being "drunk" was all in her head, although she still managed to do something stupid like crashing the OP's car.
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Comments (106)
lewalrus 4
hahahahaha, funny.
jazziue 0
at least u know she van be easily manuipulated
LegitDGK 0
lol that's wut I do with my lil bro
My2864 1
yeh i love to play people like that i once told someone i had the best kind of weed for him ... it was just tabacco but he had a awesome trip
martialart1st18 19
Your girlfriend is a ******* dumbass
greenman_fml 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
sounds like you didnt put enough rufies in her drink. next time you'll know better and get laid
iloveyou1266 4
What's with you and rufies ?!
Timmytwofinger 0
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
whiskeydick 0
who gets anything off of one beer anyway? if she was any more of a lightweight she'd float away.
NotSprinkles 0
Yea, non-alcoholic drinks still have alcohol just a lesser amount....if someone hasnt had much alcohol before then they could get a bit drunk off it...
supafly208 0
wow that sucks.
crazycar 0
DItch the girl dude. It'll only get worse when she really drinks.
nativebacon 0
That's the funniest thing I have ever read! Thanks for making my day!
macfluffers 0
Epic pLOLcebo effect.
ramonajay 0
holy shit is a monk seal a real type of seal?
David Horgan 8
Yes it is.