Today, I pulled a muscle at work doing a cartwheel. I was doing the cartwheel to prove to one of my students that adults can do cartwheels too. FML
Today, I had to do an assignment about my greatest achievement and about an award I've received. I don't have either. FML
Today, in a coffee shop, I purchased two doughnuts and cup of coffee, a regular order which I've bought many times before. Today the cost was $1 less and when I inquired why, I was told, "I gave you the senior's discount." Their policy is a senior discount for anyone over 55. I turned 50 last week. FML
Today, I inadvertently gave passers by the middle finger as I tried to stop my glasses from sliding off my face. FML
Today, I'm attending a party where drunken women just can't seem to keep their clothes on. Those drunken women are my daughters. FML
Today, I found out what rotten cooked potato both smells and tastes like. FML
Today, after smoking, I sat down to watch Supernatural with my young cousin. I accidentally let out a burp during a demonic possession scene and, to our surprise, smoke came out of my mouth. Now there's a crying 11-year-old hiding somewhere in the house with salt. Mom will be home in 5 minutes. FML
Today, I started my new job as a supervisor. I began by cleaning out my new office, including recycling large sheets of cardboard left over from the new calendars. When the 2nd shift came in, however, they got very upset and yelled at me. Apparently, I had thrown away my Muslim workers' prayer mats. FML
Today, I was supposed to start my first day of work at my dream job. However, my car had other plans and refused to start. When I called my boss to tell him I was going to be late, he told me not to come in at all and fired me on the spot. FML
Today, I tried out the new VR headset I got for Christmas. I downloaded a 'Moon Walk' app and went for a walk around my basement. I felt adventurous and tried to climb my stairs, took a nice large step ready to ascend the lunar hill, and found myself standing in my cat's litter box. FML
Today, I came into work early to clean equipment, with my headphones on, singing to myself. I lost track of time, and wound up with the entire office watching me belt it out. FML
inappropes tells us more.
inappropes 31
Haha this got published. So I turn around and the 8 people I work with started to clap. They said I have a good voice as well. I think they were most interested because I am usually pretty reserved and quiet. They invited me out to karaoke this weekend lol! And I was singing Johnny Cash songs btw. My voice is fairly deep so I think I can do his amazing songs justice.
Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML
Today, I managed to spill piping hot oil all over my kitchen floor, thinking it was too hot to clean right then and there I left it for a few hours to cool. I forgot about it, and slipped over in it bashing my head into my cupboard handle. FML
Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML
Today, my internet got shut off. Apparently off-brand "Avengers" porn is better copyright-protected than the actual movie. We looked it up as a joke, didn't watch the whole thing, and now have to visit the Suddenlink office to get our internet back. FML
mrandmrsanon tells us more.
OP here, don't know how to make this comment "OP Official" but anyway. I didn't download or torrent it, it was just a quick search. Apparently there's a huge industry for box office hit themed pornos. Our internet only opened up to a suddenlink page about the "copyright infringement" and all I had to do was check a box that we wouldn't do it again. Problem solved. Mild embarrassment, worth the laugh. And worth getting an FML published.
Today, marks the 3rd day I can't access my institutional login. It's also a replacement public holiday, meaning both the library and IT center aren't open too. My 2500 word Stylistics essay is due in two days. I have 0 words and near-0 understanding on the theory my lecturer told me to use. FML
nebarius tells us more.
nebarius 2
OP here! I didn't think my FML would get posted so I didn't create an account until now, haha. First, thank you all for your suggestions and understanding! Now, to clarify some things...(long comment incoming!) 1. I actually started researching for this assignment on Christmas (My family doesn't celebrate Christmas or New Years so I had no holiday celebrations to distract me). The institutional login went down on the 31st of December and during that time, I had just finished reading textbooks and articles on the Cognitive Metaphor Theory and have only started to look for articles related to my text and such. So yes, I spent 6 days reading up and researching more on the theory because I didn't understand it. Although I'm a second year English major, English is not my first language and it definitely isn't my country's national language either, so I had some trouble with certain words and concepts. 2. My classes officially ended after the first week of December, my class had consultations with our lecturers in the following week. It's not encouraged to start writing essays before the consultations because our ideas can be rejected and in Year 2, rejection is a high probability because we "need to be more unique" and "everything has been done to death". Also, paying attention in class rarely (in my experience) helps in university, especially for a course like mine because what you learn in class may never be applied in your essays. But yes, I actually did go and see my lecturer to have her explain things to me after each class, the unfortunate thing is that she speaks in a roundabout way so even when I ask her to clarify things further, it still makes no sense. Hence I often end up learning everything again by myself. 3. I had a 3000 word essay on Victorian Literature on top of this Stylistics essay. It's completely my fault for underestimating how much time and research I needed on my assignments (I spent two whole weeks on my Vic Lit essay) because I thought that my anxiety and perfectionist-tendencies wouldn't go insane this time round. 4. The Institutional login issue is a campus-wide one. Despite this, none of my classmates and I have the balls ask for a deadline extension. Prior to this issue, it has already been extended by a day and most of us don't want to bother our lecturer since she's the nicest one and the only one who really cares so far. She's also new and has done a lot for us (as in helping us catch up with the basics we weren't taught in Year 1 so that we can understand Stylistics). Also, as soon as it opened, I went over to the library to ask about what happened and they told me that the IT department decided to "restart" the servers, which I find ridiculous because it's less than a week away from examinations period and the majority of the university have their assignments due before examinations period starts. 5. My classmates are unfortunately on the same boat as I am, meaning, none of us get Stylistics enough to teach someone else. We've spent our entire time in Stylistics trying to catch up on the basics of Linguistics while learning Stylistics at the same time so a lot of whatever that's taught in Stylistics flew over our heads. 6. There's no "winter break" for my university because my country is a tropical country (which is weird because we have "summer break". Christmas is unfortunately also viewed as one of the minor holidays so no, there's no study break during Christmas as well, but it's still a public holiday. I hope that clears some things up! Also, I'm a 'she/her/female' :)
Today, I caught a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML
Today, I finally realized my sister-in-law tilts all the artwork on my walls every time she visits. Apparently, she's been doing this for years, just to drive me crazy. FML
TheAprilWitch tells us more.
I might do that! Thanks for the suggestion. Good thing I haven't called her out on it yet. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole thing, though. It's been going on for years! And it's not like we are that intimate, or goof around much.
Today, I had to call the police to get my crazy stalker of a neighbor out of my house. When the police arrived, I found out that she was friends with the officer. FML
Today, I was tailgated on the highway. There was a car in the lane next to me, and my tailgater was WAY too close to risk slowing down, so I sped up in order to switch lanes, which bumped me over the speed limit. That's when my tailgater turned on the flashing lights. FML
Today, I caught my wife flicking a booger off her finger. I asked her why she was doing that and she said, "Because if I can't see where it lands, it disappears and is not gross". It landed on my arm. I saw where it landed, it did not disappear, and yes it is gross. FML
Today, I went to let my dog inside because she was barking. I saw my neighbour standing at my fence, screaming that she was going to kill my dog with a shovel for barking at her. My dog was only doing it because my neighbor was putting her trash in my garbage bin. This isn't a new thing. FML
Today, during an endless heat wave, I sat at my local pub having a beer. I was delighted as a cool sea breeze started to come through. I was less delighted when the sea breeze picked up and blew cigarette ash onto my sweaty face and into my mouth. FML
Today, I got stuck with a water-damaged kitchen. The manufacturer says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's a user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML
Today, a co-worker asked me what meat we use for the drumsticks. We work in a chicken factory. This co-worker also thought that spreading out the chicken wings more evenly in the tray would increase the overall weight of the product. FML
Today, I noticed a small bite on my arm. I couldn't figure out what it came from until I saw a small insect crawling out of my bra. FML
Today, I told my mom that I think I'm lactose intolerant, and that I should go to the doctor to get checked out. She said that I was probably just gassy, and then ordered us a pizza for dinner. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend's mom doesn't believe you can get food poisoning from food that is cooked. She gave us food that had sat out all day/night and then got angry when I said we could get sick. FML
Today, I had my very first interview and pretty much got hired right away. Then I found out I have to drive 2 hours away for training. I don't have a car, license, or money. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I spent all day preparing an amazing meal for my extended family, and then 3 hours before dinner his crazy mother forced him home because she felt "excluded". He's spent the past 3 days with her. There's no way for me to keep him and get rid of her. FML
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