Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML
Today, I determined that the only reason I still have a membership to my gym is that the special gummy bears they have in the vending machines are amazing. FML
Today, I got into an emotional argument with Cleverbot. I ended up apologizing. FML
Today, at work, I bumped into what looked like a small child and said, "Sorry, little man". Turns out he actually was a little person. FML
Today, my girlfriend really needed to take a pee while we were fishing in my boat. Rather than go to shore, she decided to she could just go into a Snapple bottle. I watched as all her pee went straight onto the floor of my boat, soon realizing she had never even taken the bottle's cap off. FML
Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML
Today, as a high school English teacher, I had to read submissions for a writing contest. The entries were filled with words like "irregardless", "could of", "acrost", and "ain't". These papers were supposedly written by the best students in the school. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me grief about my drinking. This would be fine, if he were sober. FML
Today, at work I put myself squarely in the lame / old people category when I foolishly asked out loud what FML meant. FML
Today, after months of trying to convince my violent bipolar antisocial neighbors to crack a window when they smoke pot, I'm now living without any heat to avoid being blasted by pot smoke from the heat vents day and night. FML
Today, I broke it off with my mistress so that I could work on my marriage. Shortly after, my wife received an anonymous message, saying that I'd been unfaithful. FML
Today, after passing various interviews and tests, I was given a great job pending a pre-employment medical test. Now I'm jobless and colorblind. FML
Today, my 33-year-old brother told my 10-year-old daughter that clouds are made by factories blowing smoke. My daughter laughed at him and he got upset. He still believed my dad's lie from 25 years ago. FML
Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a suspicious lump under my armpit, so he suggested a breast examination. While pressing all over them he said, "We're gonna have to send you for an X-ray because you have the most lumpy breasts I've ever felt in my life." FML
Today, a rat ran into my flat when I opened my front door. After chasing it around the house for a bit, I saw it run towards the open front door. I couldn't find it again, so I figured he'd left. Then I heard my heater shaking loudly, a horrific squeaking sound, and the fan shuddering to a stop. FML
mishmish5 tells us more.
Hi everyone, I'm the OP. I can't believe after all these years I finally got an FML published! I agree with all the comments that this is incredibly sad - for almost a week afterwards I was having flashbacks about the terrible sounds and the sight of blood and hair in the heater. The second the heater started shaking I knew what had happened and tried to turn it off right away. The squeaking stopped once I turned it off, but then I could hear frantic scratching which started to become slower and slower as the minutes passed. I still feel sick thinking about it :( My lovely and brave colleague came to help me (I live in China and we are all provided flats in the same building). He took apart the heater, got the rat out (he was wedged between the fan and the top of the unit), and cleaned everything for me. Unfortunately the rat was still alive when we got him out, so my very brave colleague took him outside and ended his suffering because there was no way he could be saved (and there aren't animal hospitals in China, at least in our area). As for getting a new heater, like I said I live in China, and the owner of the university I work at is really cheap. So I'm working on it, but don't see them shelling out the money for a new heater unfortunately.
Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML
Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML
Today, when I went over a bump, I was assaulted by a badly-fitted bicycle seat. I've been walking like John Wayne all afternoon. FML
Today, I woke up in pain. After passing out multiple times I stumbled, terrified, to my mom's room for help. She thought I just wanted to stay home from school so she didn't bother waking me up and left me on the floor. Thanks mom. FML
swervelol tells us more.
swervelol 28
Wow two FML's in a row its been a rough few weeks! This was my FML, (not sure why FML has been so buggy and not showing me as the OP on either of mine) thanks for the concern guys!! I'm doing alright now, and I'd like to clarify for the FML. I don't usually get sick ever but turns out I was severely dehydrated and the blood couldn't rush to my head it was causing me to black out and seize and it was pretty terrifying. It had happened early in the morning and I'm up before my mom is for work so she was still asleep when I stumbled in for help. She thought that I just wanted her to let me stay home from school because I was sick and didn't really give it any second thought and I got so weak I fell down and couldn't get up from the floor. Somehow I made it back to my bed and blacked out again and my mom left for work she said apparently I was nearly unresponsive because I couldn't open my eyes or speak coherently when she tried talking to me. A few hours later though she managed to wake me up with a phone call saying she felt terrible that she left me home alone and was coming back to bring me to the hospital. The hospital staff were not happy that I wasn't drinking enough water, and I was a little angry that I was there because I felt alright after I woke up again and I didn't like the way they treated me like some delicate flower. So live and learn I guess my mom won't be sleeping the next time I'm sick haha.
Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML
Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML
Today, after months of apartment hunting with my boyfriend, he told me he had found a fantastic place that was really inexpensive. It seemed way too good to be true. It was. He took me to a storage unit. FML
Today, I found out why my thesis supervisor made me change my whole project I was working on for the past 3 months. Apparently, he had another student doing the same thing and they published it today. FML
mixedupminx tells us more.
Op here, it turned out that this other guy was working on it before me (under the same supervisor..) so he rightfully published it. in the end I kind of resumed his thesis and continued best I could. It sucked, but I really want to graduate!
Today, after many attempts at getting my girlfriend to ride the bus to see me rather than taking Uber, she finally did. She ended up meeting a man who convinced her that she should break up with me. She listened. FML
Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML
Today, I learned that my boyfriend is a better pole dancer than I am, despite daily practice. This was his first time trying it. FML
Today, the moment after hitting "confirm payment" for my boyfriend's valentine gift (along with some sexy lingerie for the occasion) on a shopping app, my period tracker app popped up to let me know I'll be well into my period on the 14th. I'm getting cockblocked by mother nature herself. FML
Today, I left 20 minutes early for school to get a good seat in class. I sat in traffic for 20 minutes before I even got on the thruway and for another 25 minutes once I got off the exit for school. Then I couldn't find parking at my university. I missed class. FML
Today, I was promoted. I got advice throughout the day from all of management on what I'm supposed to do first thing everyday. Not one was the same as the other. FML
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