Today, my car keys decided to play hide and seek. Good news: I found them under my bed. Bad news: it was after my job interview was scheduled to start. FML
Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML
Today, I snuck out to go see my girlfriend. When I got to her house, I left my bike out front and we went on a nice walk around the block. We passed a homeless-looking woman going the opposite way. About ten minutes later, the same woman passed us, on my bike. FML
Today, I discovered a large and somewhat disturbing whitehead inside my ear crevice. Apparently it's been there for a while, because everyone at work has nicknamed it Hugo. FML
Today, I realized my acne looks like star constellations. I've already found the Little Dipper on my left cheek. FML
Today, my father bet me $200 that since my boyfriend is "such a stupid shit," he wouldn't be able to locate Paraguay on a map. I gladly accepted the bet. Not only did he not know where it is, he actually accused us of making the country up. FML
Today, I got into an argument with my mom over her sexist, emotionally-abusive boyfriend. I told her that either he goes or I go. She called me a disrespectful bastard for not respecting my "new father." I'm now sitting outside a McDonald's with my suitcase, leeching their WiFi. FML
Today, after 3 nights of insomnia, I was finally able to doze off. My boyfriend woke me up just to ask which soda in the fridge was mine. FML
Today, my tire blew while I was on the freeway. I had to change the tire in pouring rain while wearing short shorts and flip-flops. No one stopped to help, but several people politely honked as if to remind me of my misfortune. FML
Today, I went out to a club, hoping to score. I'd read about a trick pickup artists use called "negging" and decided to try it out. As I finished complimenting a girl for being brave enough to have not made much of an effort with her makeup, she slammed her knee between my legs. FML
Today, my grandpa was visiting. My neighbors started blasting out rap music, as they've done nearly 24/7 for months, telling me to fuck off when I complain. He went over and screamed he'd gut them like fish if they didn't pipe down. They did. He's 68 and still more intimidating than me. FML
Today, for the third day in a row, my 10-month-old is refusing to eat any of the meals that I prepare for him. He will however eat anything semi-edible lying on the floor, cat kibble included. FML
amusedslovenia tells us more.
OP here... My son is 10 months old. I'm really at my wits' end. He had been a good eater from the start, unlike his older brother who I couldn't get to eat anything either. I set out to feed my kids all organic, home-made, fresh and so forth. I gave up with my first after having spent literally hours a day preparing healthy, nutritious and yes, tasty foods that he wouldn't touch beyond a spoon or two. My two year old grew fine on very little food and now eats the same we do. My younger. however, is tiny for his age - he wears clothes for 3mo (but developing normally, thank God, and the pedi's not concerned). I can only get him to taste a spoon of something and then it's over. But anything he picks up from the floor (bread crumbs, and yes, cat kibble (food), he will eat. And scream when I take it away from him. Maybe he's on a strike or teething or... I don't know. Maybe I should start placing food on the floor for him LOL.
Today, my co-worker and I were having a conversation in Russian. Our boss overheard us talking, shouted, "I know you're talking about me! I speak Spanish too!" and threatened to fire us. FML
Today, my brother started a new tradition: sending me pictures of every poop he takes. FML
Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML
Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML
Today, my mum found out she's pregnant. I would be happy for her, if she knew who the father was. FML
Today, I realized that my boyfriend really does have a problem with my upper-lip hair. I woke up this morning to him ripping a wax strip off of my face. All he could say after I stopped shrieking was that he had hoped it wouldn't wake me up. FML
Today, the acne on one side of my face has flared up at the corners of my mouth, making me look just like The Joker. FML
Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML
Today, I was driving with my boss and she held her breath as we drove past a cell tower, because she didn't want to "breathe in any radiation." I have to take orders from this moron. FML
Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML
Today, I sprained my ankle trying to prove that I can walk in high heels. FML
Today, I locked myself out of the house I was house-sitting. An hour later, and my fifth attempt at climbing the fence, I figured I'd try the door one more time. Turns out I was turning the handle the wrong way and the door wasn't locked in the first place. FML
Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML
Today, I got back to work. Last week, my divorce was finalized and my last name is, once again, my maiden name. Since I'm a teacher, all my students will remember me by my ex-husband's last name. I get to be reminded every day that my marriage failed until everyone memorizes my maiden name. FML
Today, I received the "employee of the month" title from the job I was fired from last week. FML
Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML
Today, I'm so broke that I hand-washed my socks with a bar of soap that I stole from work. FML
Lauraborealous tells us more.
for those saying that I should have stolen laundry soap or similar, i work at a restaurant, this wouldn't be possible
Today, my teacher assigned us teams in a class debate. I landed on the team that had to argue the obviously wrong point of view. When I finished, my teacher told me and the entire class how much I disturbed her, and how I reminded her of Hitler and Napoleon. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
