Today, I got a gift-wrapped package in the mail from my racist mother-in-law. She's always hated me, so I thought it was a bit strange. Inside was a squirt gun and a note telling me to take my "black ass" for a walk around a police station with it, followed with a smiley face. FML
Today, my boss sent me a Word document that he wanted me to make into a PowerPoint presentation for him. It was a set of proposals for the board of directors about cost-saving options. The third option was to eliminate my position in the company. FML
Today, I was playing what became an extremely intense game of hide-and-seek with my best friend's sister. I finally found the perfect place, so I slid down into the bath and began to cover myself. She popped up out of nowhere and said, "FOUND YOU!" I got so scared that I punched her in the face. FML
Today, my mom and I went to exchange a massive stuffed animal, which was meant for my niece. I was carrying it when I saw a really hot guy looking at me funny. My mom snickered and told him that I never go anywhere without "George". FML
Today, my mom finally got a Netflix account after months of me begging. When I asked her what the login was, she refused to give it to me. She said, "Netflix will know it's not me and then they'll cancel our account." FML
idkgiraffes tells us more.
idkgiraffes 12
OP here, she eventually caved and gave it to me but she said "if House of Cards randomly stops, I know who to blame."
Today, I didn't feel like going to work, so I called in sick. Five hours later while out shopping, I got hit by a car at a crosswalk. Now I'm laid-up in the local hospital, really wishing I was with the guys at work. FML
Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML
Today, I was chatting with the girl of my dreams, a real heart-to-heart. Everything was going great, and I asked her if she'd like to get coffee together sometime. She immediately backed away and excused herself, mumbling something about not dating left-handed people. Huh? FML
Today, I got into a fight with my sister. Later on she brought me a bowl of tortilla chips, which I thought was her way of apologizing. I found out too late that she'd licked the flavoring off them and it was really her way of saying "Fuck you." FML
Today, my boyfriend sent me a screenshot of his phone's contact list, to show me the adorable photo of us he'd set as my contact image. I guess he didn't realize that a contact called "Side Babe" was just barely in the screenshot too. FML
Today, my fiancé proposed to me. He said, "I could have picked anyone, but I chose you. You're a solid 2, which is average. Not a 10, but I'm glad you're a 2. Less pressure, ya know." I'm not sure if I should be more upset with the fact that I'm "average", or the fact that he thought this was romantic. FML
Today, I've spent far too long on hold to Apple customer support. Unfortunately the only thing to come from it is I now have "Call me maybe" stuck in my head. FML
Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store. Before I knew what was happening, he'd sniffed me and started whimpering about how I don't smell like I used to. He does this kind of crazy shit all the time. FML
Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML
Today, my little sister came up to me and said, "Aww, don't be sad. Even ugly people can get boyfriends." She then smiled, patted my back, and walked off. I wasn't actually sad before, but I am now. FML
Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML
Today, I went to break up with my psychotic bitch of a girlfriend after months of abuse. When she opened the door, her 5-year-old son ran up to me, smiling and calling me "DADDY!" for the first time. Now I don't have the heart to dump the psycho and devastate her son. FML
Today, I went paintballing with my girlfriend and her family. Her dad ended up shooting me, and I doubled over in pain. I thought that was it, until he stepped back and shot me several more times in the stomach. "Just double-tapping," he smirked. More like quadruple-tapping. FML
Today, I told my father I'm going to a club with a friend and staying the night at my friend's place. He asked for my friend's name, number, and address so he knows where I'll be. I'm 30 years old. FML
Lokiara tells us more.
Lokiara 10
I'm OP. No, I do not live at home. I haven't lived at home in 5 years. I currently live in a different country and I am in my home country for the holidays. I preemptively tell my parents where I go because they tend to ask that question when I leave the house. It might be the fact that I am female, but I don't really know for certain.
Today, my dad has discovered selfies and my mom has discovered taking pictures of food. Now I'm at a restaurant, suffering through it all and not being able to eat anything until my mom has taken pictures of it. FML
Today, my girlfriend's dad called to say she wasn't allowed to come with me on a three-day trip on New Year's. He waited until Christmas to say it, even though we booked and paid for the trip nearly a month ago. Now he ruined both holidays. FML
Today, the kid who who lives next door and shares a bedroom wall with me got a drum set for Christmas. FML
Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML
Today, at Christmas dinner, my grandmother talked about the death of every single dog she ever had. All 10 of them. FML
dunn76 tells us more.
dunn76 5
Hi I'm the op. To clarify, yes the dinner happened last night and so the 'today' thing is technically a lie, so sue me. My grandmother is 91 so she doesn't always have a filter as on what is appropriate to talk about. As to the 10 dogs, yes, there were times that she had 2 at a time. Most died of old age, but there were some that stuck out. One died because of cancer when she was a kid, another got hit by a car, and they had to put one down because she wouldn't eat because she was best friends with the dog that got hit by a car. Yes these were sad, but she is a good dog owner. She was tearing up when she was telling the stories. I love my grandmother very much and visit her at least once a week. As to the xmas mood, we decided to stop dinner and open presents to lighten up the mood for my younger sister. So don't worry, we had a good xmas!
Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML
Today, as I walked into McDonald's with my mom, she glanced at me and said, "Smells like your future." FML
Today, I witnessed my very overweight cat trying to jump over my fence, only to shit himself half way up, and then land in it. FML
Mr_snuggels tells us more.
Mr_snuggels 16
Hello, OP here. I've notice quite a few comments similar to this. So, I'll set the record straight on why my cat is "bigger", instead of assuming I'm a bad "cat parent". My cat has a metabolism disorder... Which means he doesn't have the same working digestive system as a regular cat. Which was caused by genetics from his mother, who was also an obese cat that also had a metabolism disorder as well. He was always a bigger cat. But now as he's getting older I've noticed his size increasing. I have talked to the vet about this. Since, Micky (my cat) is in good health, she just suggested to slowly make my indoor cat an outdoor cat, to try to make Micky more active in his daily routine, we also made changes into his diet. Every Time I let Micky outside I watch him, since he is not originally an outdoor cat. Therefore, it was a coincidence that Micky was feeling very adventurous as was trying to climb the fence, pooped himself, and fell in it. I agree, **** the cats life... But, guess who had to clean the mess?
Today, my parents refused to give my daughter her Christmas presents as an act of revenge against her father. FML
Today, I woke up while staying at my friend's house. I saw the bathroom light on, so for a laugh, I got up and quietly pennied the door. After laughing at him struggling to open the door, I decided to let him out. Turned out it wasn't my friend in there; it was his dad. FML
PikidiliJo tells us more.
PikidiliJo 12
It was actually in the morning. I woke up and the bathroom light was on.
Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run…" then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML
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