Today, the family computer's 15-year-old CRT monitor which gives me headaches finally stopped working. My dad quickly found a replacement: an even older CRT monitor that gives me worse headaches. FML
Today, my neighbor showed me footage of my 7-year-old son spraying his beloved rose garden with weed killer. The whole garden is dead as fuck, and I'm now being taken to small claims court. FML
Today, my dad texted me saying he had "big news." I immediately called, thrilled, because I assumed he meant that he finally found a job and that our money troubles were over. The "big news" was him being excited at seeing an actor from one TV show he likes in another TV show. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Being a chef of a highly-rated restaurant, I cooked a well-liked dish. Not only did she say no, but commented on how bland and tasteless the meal was. FML
Today, I woke up with a swollen lump on my throat. It's extremely painful. My dad named it Gretchen and now talks about it as if it's a person. FML
Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML
Today, I thought I was doing a nice thing when I spent hundreds of dollars to get my friend a plane ticket home. She yelled at me when I gave it to her. Turns out, she planned on spending a few more months freeloading off me. FML
Today, I found the Christmas candy that I'd hidden a year ago. Turns out I wasn't the only living creature who had found it. FML
Today, I injured my knee during dance class. When it started to feel a little bit better, I tried dancing again. I tripped, fell, and broke my wrist. FML
Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML
Today, while I was on a field trip with my son, my husband decided to get rid of our dog without asking anyone. Now I get to pick up the pieces of a broken heart, and he thinks he did nothing wrong. FML
Today, after a few weeks of my dad setting up glue traps in the garage to trap mice, I found out what it's like to have a pigeon wander in and get its foot stuck on one. FML
Axelerate tells us more.
Axelerate 23
Hey all. I'll fill you in so you guys can sleep peacefully at night. My brother came home from lunch and was in a rush to head out back. His remote for the garage door wasn't working so he left it open. That's when the pigeon walked in. He called me to let me know and to close the door. I stepped out and I heard what sounded like a bird flapping like crazy. I checked around and I saw the bird's foot stuck on the trap. I had no idea these traps were set (they were under the space of the shelves we have all around) but I fit the pieces together seeing how we had mice problems a while back. I put on some gardening gloves to hold it while soaking the foot with warm water. He moved a little bit more to the point his bottom half body THEN got stuck. I ended up calling the vet and explaining the situation to them to see what they could do or anything else I could do. After the awkward silence, they told me I could bring it in for them to sedate and see what they could do themselves. If nothing worked then they would have to euthanize it. Feeling bad for the little guy I was getting ready to drive there when I remembered we had Goo Gone. I poured a lot on the trap and he managed to get off! He just walked out the garage door and I assume he flew away. I didn't follow it but haven't seen handicapped bird around here haha. Birds like to bathe and it's been cloudy and rainy here in Vegas so I'm hoping he managed to rinse everything off. :)
Today, while working in a restaurant, a woman told me I was completely incompetent, was the worst hostess she'd ever seen, and that she would call my district manager non-stop until I was fired. I'd clocked in less than 10 minutes before and hadn't said a single word to her. FML
christinamarie17 tells us more.
Hey guys! Just thought I'd explain since I couldn't fit the whole story into the FML. The woman had come into the restaurant about three months ago with two other ladies. I hadn't been up front at first and she was initially talking to another hostess. The first host tried to sit her at a table, at which point the woman said she wanted a booth. I joined the conversation at this point and stated we had a booth in Ryan's section. The woman exclaimed "Oh! Ryan!" She seemed excited so I said, "Yes, do you like Ryan? I can give you one of his tables." The woman said "Oh no, I have no idea who Ryan is. I've never been here before." I said "Oh, okay then. I'll sit you with Robert. Wait no, Robert just got a table. Let's go to Rachel." I took her to the table, asked if it was alright and she said it was fine. Thinking everything was okay I left. Halfway through her meal I see my manager at the table apologizing profusely. Once he left he asked me what the hell I did to the woman. Apparently she told her server that I tried to seat her at a table, refused to let her sit with Ryan and Robert, and forced her to sit here. She called me a twit, told her server she felt bad because Ryan and Robert were missing out on the huge tip she was going to give them, and that I don't know how to do my job. Since that day she has written to corporate saying that I am condescending, speak to my co-workers inappropriately, and need to be retrained. Yesterday was the first time she actually got in my face about it, and I was so stunned all I could say was "I'm sorry." I'm not trying to make myself out to be the model employee but this lady seems to have a personal vendetta against me. My managers have been understanding about it and I'm just hoping that with time she'll stop harassing me!
Today, I got a letter in the mail from corporate saying that I'm being demoted because I don't work enough hours. I also got a text from my boss congratulating me on making the best sales numbers for November. FML
nikkih_06 tells us more.
nikkih_06 16
I was demoted from part time to causal part time, which requires that I work less then 20 hours a week. And I only get commission if I go over my goal.
Today, my boyfriend brought me to a restaurant on a surprise date. I guess he didn't know that my ex-boyfriend now works there, and that he would be our waiter for the evening. FML
Today, I learned I'm allergic to the 5-month-old kitten we got 3 days ago. It loves me, follows me everywhere and sleeps on my lap in the evenings. FML
Today, my boss at my new call center job said he'd gotten complaints about me. Apparently I sound "too black" and it's "upsetting" some of our customers. I don't know what that even means, but my boss said I need to "tone it down or we're gonna have some problems". FML
Today, I realized that although I'm dating the most loveable, caring and genuine man, the fact that he's a crack addict means I'll never be his drug of choice when he needs a hit. FML
Today, I still didn't feel quite awake after the first lesson at school, so I went to get a cup of coffee from the vending machine. I had just enough money for it. No cup dropped into the holder, and the whole thing poured straight into the drip tray while I watched. FML
walktowardslight tells us more.
Ugh, pour little me was just going about the daily grind, and now you're all making a mochary of my misfortune?!
Today, I was short on money for bills, so I pulled out my alto saxophone, knowing that no matter how much I loved it, I'd be able pay my rent with the money. As I pulled it out of its case, the neck strap broke and I dropped it, breaking the bell beyond repair. Now I'm poor AND depressed. FML
Today, I had a performance. I have to go bra-less to wear my gown and I didn't want any peek-a-boos. I asked my boyfriend to bring "large band-aids" without telling him why I needed them. He brought waterproof, top-notch tough ones. They're still stuck to me, and are not coming off anytime soon. FML
Today, I received a package from my deployed husband. It contained a scarf, a letter, and a bag full of his pubes. FML
Today, I deleted a load of junk that was messing up my mother's computer. I don't know how I'm going to tell her I accidentally wiped out all of her wedding photos. FML
Today, I met an American guy at a bar. I felt flattered when he said, "You know what they say about Swedish girls, all so beautiful." After a pause, he filled in with, "What the fuck happened to you?" FML
peceout tells us more.
peceout 29
You are right, but this pic is me. I felt bad so I changed it, I hope You guys don't think any less of me.
Today, while my boyfriend and I were talking with his sister-in-law about a TV show, his 6-year-old nephew walked up just in time to hear how Santa killed the protagonist's parents. I've never seen such a heartbroken face in my life, and now he won't stop asking if Santa kills people. FML
Today, I discovered that the reason the phone I've had for a year takes such terrible and cloudy pictures is because I never took the plastic coating off the lens. FML
fishyrael tells us more.
fishyrael 29
Yeah haha I did feel pretty silly. My phone is one of those old ones that you flip open and it has a keyboard, so to my memory the inner screen didn't have a protector. The one over the camera was very flush to the lens so it didn't bubble or anything and looked perfectly normal, I thought it was just a shit camera since it was an old model of phone. I wouldn't have found it if my nail hadn't caught the corner when I was putting it in my pocket and pulled it up some. The worst part was as #3 said, since it was actually my birthday party and my boyfriend and all my family were there to witness the look of stunned realization on my face, followed by my announcement that I was, in fact, an idiot. Oh well, at least I have a decent camera now!
Today, it's either be alone and miserable, or go on shitty dates and be miserable. I have no other options. FML
mr1234 tells us more.
mr1234 6
OP here--I'm quite happy with my life otherwise; I have great family, a place to live and food to eat, a job I really like. I'm just very lonely. However, in my experience with dating sites, I get very frustrated because many of the dates go nowhere (because of many different reasons, many of them objectively pertaining to the other party). I do not go out to bars/clubs, and even though I have a number of activities outside the house, they are majority female (kickboxing, walking group, female friends that don't know a lot of single males, etc). I feel like I'm really missing that special someone in my life, and want to do all I can to find him, but "dating" is just making me feel worse and worse about myself (over multiple years). So literally, I have no other choice that to be unhappy (in this area) and alone, or be horribly uncomfortable on dates with strangers (which are indeed few and far between to begin with). So **** all of you for saying i deserve it. maybe with some background you'll understand that character limitations don't show the whole story.
Today, I realized my anger management has hit a new low when I screamed at a goose for being a goose. FML
Today, I got friendzoned by three different women. Each girl suggested I should ask out one of the other two women who also friendzoned me. FML
Today, my husband shaved off his beard. Turns out he looks like my ex. FML
virgacs tells us more.
virgacs 10
OP here. Thank you all for the hillarious comments. I had seen him without a beard before of course, but he has recently lost some weight and turns out it changed his features a bit.
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