Today, I lost my cell phone. Since I sleep on the couch, I started looking through the cushions. I didn't find my phone, but after 6 months of uncomfortably sleeping on the couch, I find out I'm sleeping on top of a pull out bed. FML

by stupid / 07/07/2009 at 10:34am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I began my job volunteering at an orphanage in Beijing, China, working with 7-year-olds who just started learning english. We played a game where, if you got caught, you had to sing a song. I got caught, so I chose the ABCs. They all knew the song perfectly, I missed 3 letters. FML

by BigBallah93 / 07/07/2009 at 8:20am / China (Beijing) / Miscellaneous

Today, I returned home to find out that my new and very expensive computer had overheated. I confronted my mom, and she told me that she had covered up the fan because she didn't like the noise. FML

by allwaysbuggedinheaven / 07/07/2009 at 8:16am / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

by Anonymous / 07/07/2009 at 7:51am / United Kingdom (Derbyshire) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found out that my father, who is divorced from my mother, has set up a lawsuit against her and that I am required to go to court and testify against her as a witness. I've tried to keep neutral for six years, and I'll go to jail if I don't show up. FML

by Anonymous / 07/07/2009 at 1:46am / United States (Hawaii) / Miscellaneous

Today, I decided to get back into shape and go for a run. With a 1/4 mile left to run, I saw a hot chick a block ahead of me running. Trying to show off I ran hard and passed her stopping just outside my complex. I started to throw up right as she came past me because I had run so hard to pass her. FML

by DMO / 07/07/2009 at 1:26am / United States (Utah) / Miscellaneous

Today, I saw a major accident then stopped to help the drivers. I was on my way to a rest stop to use the bathroom so as we were waiting for police I went into the woods and I come out to the police arresting me for public urination. One of the drivers said I was "using the woods for a bathroom." FML

by JMU / 07/06/2009 at 3:34pm / United States (New York) / Miscellaneous

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

by WhitneyHouston / 07/06/2009 at 3:33pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous

Today, I come home to find my nephew holding pieces of my new $3,500 Sony Video Camera. He told me he threw it out the window because it was a portal for aliens. FML

by AidenFromSweden / 07/06/2009 at 2:41pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous

Today, I came home and found out that my new roommate, who smokes half a pack of cigarettes a day and drinks heavily 5 nights a week, had smashed my $300 bong because "weed is a horrible and deadly drug that will kill you slowly." FML

by expen_dable / 07/06/2009 at 1:55am / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I had to be go to the ER after I fell on a rake. After having stiches put in, my Mom wanted me to go to the store with her. My friend saw me at the store and thought it would be funny to rip off the band aid because she thought I was hiding a zit. She ripped out my stitches. FML

by Anonymous / 07/05/2009 at 7:20pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous

Today, I found one of those online color blindness tests where you have to distinguish a colored number from the pattern. Not being able to, I spent hundreds of dollars on medical tests to discover that the pattern online was a joke. FML

by colorblind / 07/05/2009 at 5:49pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous

Today, I sent out my monthly curriculum list to the parents of the kids in my math class so they can see what their children will be learning. I usually end my e-mails with the phrase 'math is power'. Now, 154 parents got an e-mail saying 'meth is power'. FML

by shit... / 07/05/2009 at 2:16pm / United States (Georgia) / Miscellaneous