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Illustrated FML (292) - About FMyLife (47) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (16) - Books (9) - Competitions (6) - Special guests (6)

Lazouave's illustrated FML

Right. How are you doing? Things are going a bit nuts round our way. Everyone knows the Keep calm and carry on posters and their various derivatives. They were initially conceived to reassure and boost Great Britain's morale in case of an invasion in 1939. They were never used, but we should keep that stiff upper lip spirit in mind, especially with what's going on at the moment. Let's stay calm, and carry on. This article is about cartoons and humour, so I'll stick to that, and won't go into what's been going on, but if you've checked the news recently, you'll know what I mean. It's hard to introduce the second part of our New Year's celebrations illustrations, but by jove I'm gonna! Here we go.

LAZOUAVE'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Dinosaurus biscuits + glass of milk + stupid TV show = best day of your life. Approved by myself personally."

Autoportrait Lazouave by Sauvane

 


Lazouave, is also known as Sauvane, and is thus a girl. Yes, a girl. I get a lot of them on here, don't make that face.

Her info:
Age: 24
Location: Paris
BlogLazouave
Her illustrated FML: The one with the penis


This week, we're still celebrating the new year. Happy New Year everyone, bis. Yesterday, I was told about a story about a guy over here in France who'd had a really terrible 2014, a divorce, his mother had died, and on the 1st of January, he'd sarcastically posted on Facebook, "Bye 2014, feel free to drop by anytime!" With all bloodshed recently, he posted another status saying, "Hey, 2014, I was joking."

So, Lazouave. EShe'd contacted us a while back to do an illustration, and I suggested she do the New Year's one. But who is she? "I'm a graphics and motion designer." And where does she come from? "I did studies in litterature, with further education in applied arts, then a diploma in visual communication, dabbling in advertising and editing. And 3 years later I did a course in Graphics Design and Motion Design. It was ultra, mega, giga. Like Hogwarts for people who like images. After that, I did a few months freelance work, all the while being a creative director on the side. And for the past year I've settled on a well know TV show where I make motion design." I'm not sure what the TV show is, though. 


What's your latest news? "A hurricane of projects, like crazy illustrations for a psych-pop music clip, Drak King photo portraits and an erotic fanzine that I have to supply willies to to." Hey, she's get on well with my friend Bénédicte, who did the Christmas illustration (she likes drawing willies, I don't know why. Paging Freud.) 

What does she enjoy in life? Any vices? "Wow, that's tough. Well, I can start by saying I like dinosaurs, chicken and drawing willies. They're all sure things. I'm very passionate about anything that can be considered kitsch. My living space is a temple dedicated to bad taste, it totally stimulates me when I'm working. My favourite object is a Queen Elizabeth II plate, her benevolant smile always revigorates me. A small vice amongst many: I always kiss my envelopes before posting them. It's a little ritual to help my mail get to its destination, and it works. And I listen to rubbish '90s music. Do you know Kajagoogoo? They make me go nuts! WOUHLOULOULOU !!!!"

I must interrupt this diatribe to point out that Kajagoogoo were at their most popular in the '80s, not the '90s. I know, I was there, I even have the 7-inch of their most famous song.

What about your everyday pleasures? "Insulting my computer, drinking coffee, letting loose some atomic farts under my duvet, as I'm single." Hmmmmm, I'm beginning to understand why the "single" part of that answer. Oh go on, I'm joking. 

So, how about artists you like? "Sarah Andersen, Hyperbole and a half, Georges Clooney by Philippe Valette, Michel F., Malec's blog… The list goes on, I spend over 3 hours a day on blogs (mea culpa)." Hey, Malec was here recently, and Philippe Valette should be on here soon, if he answers my desperate calls one day. 

Besides comics, what do like at the moment? "At the moment, I'm trying to upgrade my movie knowledge. Recently I saw A Town Called Panic, which made me totally crack up at least 4 times in an hour and a half. Musically, I've recently discovered Glam Rock. Ever since, I want to live dressed as Faster Pussycat all the time. As for books, I was recently given the His Dark Materials books and 3 weeks of my life just disappeared. READ THEM. TV Shows that I nominate are 30 Rock, The Mighty Boosh and Record of Lodoss War. Now I know the word which describes laughing and peeing at the same time!" I'm a huge fan of the The Mighty Boosh, so I can only agree with you, and if you've never seen the show, I suggest that you check out ASAP. Especially if you enjoy absurd, British humour.

That's all for this week. We can all go back to a normal existence. Well, if you can call it that. Don't forget to keep your head up high while walking down the street, be respectful to people from all walks of life, down let fear guide your actions and thoughts, and let freedom of speech be a tool for the greater good. And find out what it actually means, before you start writing in about moderated comments. People confuse freedom of speech with the freedom to pollute websites with their offensive brain diarrhea. No, it's not. Anyway, be excellent to each other, have fun this weekend and go safely.See you next week! 

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1494 - Illustrated FML - On 01/09/2015 at 6:08am by Alan - 9 comments

Yohan's illustrated FML

It's here, it's 2015. Big whoop. I'm told that the start of a new year is the appropriate moment to reflect on the year gone bye and ask ourselves why we did what we did, all the while thinking about our station in life. Is everything panning out for you? Is the coming year seeming joyful and harmonious, or is it another series of shitty events that are getting ready to pile onto your schedule? On FML, we know that any time of the year is open season for crappy experiences of all kinds. Heartbreaks that stretch over months at a time, screaming kids in long train journeys that are taking us home from stressful family Christmas vacations, thumping your little toe against the corner of the coffee table for the 15th time this week, the cat chewing through the Walkman headphone's wires… OK, a new year can mean a new start, but… why does everyone get all excited about it? This week, we shine a spotlight on a particularly crap New Year's Eve, and due to the submissions we've received, many of you have suffered through some this year.

YOHAN'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My greatest fear is to be 50 years old and realise I've let my life pass me by!"

Self-portrait Yohan by Yposs

 


Yohan is also know by the nickname Yposs. I won't tell you his name, but it's easy to find out with a little guesswork, his nickname and Google.

His info:
Age: 30
Location: Paris, France
BlogEt alors ?
His illustrated FML: The one with the best friend


This week, we're celebrating the new year. Happy new year to everyone by the way. Yes, I forgot to say it. It's a social misdemeanour these days. You HAVE to say it. It's already been mentioned in the article we posted around midnight on the 1st of January, but this time I'm saying it in a calm and non-drunk manner. But on the other hand, last year I wished a happy new year to a lot of people who went on to have really shitty years, so maybe I have a curse, and I should say the opposite, just to even things out. So, to all of you, may you have a crap new year, and may things suck big time! 

Yohan is a graphic designer. Another one in this column. I get a lot in these parts. He "appreciates the creative aspect of the profession." And he's quite creative, you just have to check out his blog to be convinced. How did he get to where he is today? "I went to a graphics design and webdesign school in Paris, and I've had loads of jobs, from server, salesman to real estate negotiator." And now? "For a while now I've come back to my first love which is comic books, so I'm working on large scale comic book project." His main project is this a comic, but we don't know anything more about it. We'll just have to check out his blog now and again. 

His hero is the famous french cartoon character Gaston Lagaffe. But what made him want to start drawing? "All the comic books that I read in my childhood, I wanted to transfer the sensation I felt through my own drawings." 

What does he like? Any hidden vices? Any dreams? "My dream would be to go to sea for several months, or more. On a sailboat, alone against the immensity around us. A sort of homecoming, back to our roots. But before I can do that, I draw to escape. I have too many vices to list." Aaah, the sea. I lived near the sea for almost two years, it was wonderful. Even in winter. Especially in winter, when all the tourists have cleared off back home. There's something poetic about watching waves crashing onto rocks while listening to the Vengaboys on a Walkman. I now live in a huge city, and it's magical too, but in a different way. One day, I'll return to the sea, to the solitary life, just me and the woman I love. 

So, what sort of things are you into at the moment? "Lately, I saw Enter the Void, the film is old-ish but it's really good. I recommend it." And how about artists that you appreciate and whose blogs you check out? "Franquin, Claude Serre, Boulet."

To play us out, how about a personal FML? "Today it's late and I can't buy any cigarettes anywhere. I go out into the street, hoping to bump into someone who I can bum a cigarette from to roll a joint. By chance, I run into someone, and I ask him. He was very friendly, and with a smile he asks me, "Is this to roll a joint?" I say yes, and it turns out that I was right near the police station and it was policeman taking a cigarette break. FML" Oh, bad bad bad luck. Some people will say that you deserve it for smoking in the first place, but those sorts of people are as annoying as the people who smoke in public places where they shouldn't. Get off your high horses.

That's it for this week. We can go back to resting after the festive season. I don't know about you but next year, I'm getting a package deal with a plane ticket to a all-inclusive hotel in the sun, far far away. No more stress inducing family get togethers. No more waiting til midnight to jump up and down. Anyway, here's a picture which could metaphorically represent all of us going back to work, and a song by Gravenhurst to chill out to, which also doubles as an RIP because the guy sadly died recently. Next week, we'll be continuing the "Welcoming in the New Year" theme with another illustration along the same lines, a sort of "two for the price of one" deal. Happy New Year, and as always, be excellent to each other.

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1493 - Illustrated FML - On 01/02/2015 at 11:27am by Alan - 9 comments

FML's Message for 2015

WE'VE HAD TOO MUCH TO DRINK HERE AT FML SO WE'VE NOT GOT AN ARTICLE TO SHOW YOU
SORRY WE'LL DO BETTER NEXT TIME

 

WE ARE STILAT THE PARTY SORRY HELLO IT'S CHAMPAGNE TIME BYE!

 

 

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!! DONT WORRY DAD, WE'LL TIDY THE HOUSE!!!!


 
#1490 - About FMyLife - On 12/31/2014 at 5:51am by FML - 70 comments

FML's post-Christmas debriefing

Thank tinselled-Christ that that's finished! Christmas 2014 is finally over. We can finally stop grumbling about the endless songs about snow, put the presents away in a closet (or a dumpster) and start to digest the huge amounts of processed food that grandma has been force-feeding us. So, how was it for you? People on TV have post-match debates; here on FML we thought we'd have a post-Christmas debriefing, due to the anticlimax a lot of people feel, but are afraid to express out loud for fear of seeming ungrateful. Unless you're a teenager whining that you didn't get the iPhone 6, and telling every social network you can get your ungrateful mitts on that you now hate your parents and that you want to die in a sea of tears, you can tell us all about it on FML. Little kids certainly don't hold back.

Today, my five-year-old son wants to send a complaint letter to Santa, whom he claims left him presents, "so bad that even you dad wouldn't have done this to me." FML

Yes, the age-old present problem. Buying presents is a nightmare. Receving presents gives you nightmares.

Today, my mother-in-law purchased matching Christmas presents for myself and my sister-in-law to open together in front of everyone. Guess who are now the proud owners of matching metal tampon cases. FML

We've all struggled to buy presents for people, and we've all struggled this year too. Despite the internet making it much easier to order stuff in November, you still have to think about who you're buying things for, estimating the risk/cost ratio. What, you don't believe there's a risk involved? Some people go to extremes to avoid having to go through the rigmarole of buying a Christmas present.

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

OK, we don't know whether this last case was more due to the cost, or the risk side. But it's still risky, buying something shitty for someone who previously respected you. You lose that respect just once, and it's gone. The next year, they're giving you something that'll shit all over your apartment and life.

Today, my mother gave me a Christmas present for the first time in 15 years: a dog. Her 16-year-old, untrained, mean dog who wears diapers. FML

Remember, a dog isn't just for Christmas Day. You've got to keep some leftovers for sandwiches the next day. Badum tish. Some people are forced to spend Christmas alone. Some are forced to spend Christmas with other people. Both sides of the coin are equally tretcherous.

Today, I spent the day crying, and ate McDonald's for my Christmas dinner. FML

The trouble with an FML like that is the lack of details. Is this person alone because family and friends are far away, and/or are down on their luck? Or are they alone because they're a total twunt that everyone hates and they actually deserve to be alone in a MickeyD's, crying? No follow-up to this story, so we'll probably never know. On the other hand, another circle of hell could be described as:

Today, I attended my extended family's Christmas dinner. All throughout, my grandmother kept complaining about how the food tasted like crap, and making sexual remarks such as how, "the stuffings were far better in my day, if you know what I mean." FML

No thanks. Luckily, most of us are somewhere in-between. Decent presents, well-meaning relatives, but somewhere along the line, Murphy's Law appears.

Today, my uncle got me a debit card and put one thousand dollars on it for my Christmas present. However, he forgot to activate the card. The receipt with the 14 digit activation code is in the garbage in Colorado. FML

Yes, I know, he got given a thousand bucks. A lot of misguided people will say, "But that's not an FML, his uncle is rich, yadda yadda yadda." Don't do that. You're missing the point of FML entirely when you do that. The point is not to score points in the "My life is worse than yours" contest. The stories are about facepalms, WTFs, headdesks and the things in life that suck. Christmas doesn't suck. And yet it does. The best thing about Christmas (besides "Last Christmas" by Wham! and Billy Idol doing "Jingle Bell Rock") is the warm, fuzzy feeling you get from all the family getting together. Or is it?

Today, my mother confronted me about my bird's masturbation problem. We spent Christmas Eve Googling "bird masturbating" and watching videos to see if that was actually what my bird was doing. At least he's having a good Christmas. FML

OK, that's not really a family atmosphere. This is closer to home, with a warmer feel than a randy Christmas parrot:

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in the house had already opened theirs and had all gone to bed. FML

So, a lot of disappointed/embarrassed/angry/sexy people over the years. We've been going almost 6 years now (our birthday is coming up, get us some presents please), so we've had quite a few Christmas stories. But we want more, so feel free to use the comments section to expand on your Christmas. How was it? Pretend this is a self-help group for the post-Christmas comedown.

We've got New Year's Eve to look forward to now. Shudder.

 

#1491 - About FMyLife - On 12/26/2014 at 10:13am by Alan - 49 comments

The Xmas illustrated FML

Here we go, final lap before Christmas is finally upon us. Although, you could say we've been subjected to quite a few strains of Christmas already. The decorations are up since mid-August, and certain family members are pushing and shoving to get things organised since around the same time, since, you know, these things have to be planned "properly". The plane tickets have been bought early so you could fly cheaply to spend Xmas day at Uncle David's with the rest of the family, the frozen cutlets are in the cellar, along with last year's presents, and you have to go grocery shopping as soon as possible, to avoid getting crushed by two fat guys fighting over a sponge cake. Here at FML, we love Christmas because of the eerie atmosphere. The feeling that's a bit like one you get when a large supermarket opens in a small town. 

THE XMAS ILLUSTRATED FML (by Bénédicte)

"We're going to have chicken with morels! Yummmm! I save up my supermarket points all year to be able to afford those goddamn expensive mushrooms!"

Self-portrait Xmas Bénédicte by Bénédicte

 


This week, Mother Christmas is back ! Yep, it's our faithful companion Bénédicte who is returning to give us a slice of cake. She's been on here many times before, such as here in this article, so there's no need for a presentation. This week, it's a bit like the last day of school, when you get to do whatever the hell you want.

Her info:
Age: 56
Location: Lapland, France.
Blog: Her page Bloutouf, which is full of stuff.
Her illustrated FML: The one with the game


So, what shall we do this week? Should we get our stuff together and put it all in a suitcase ready to take the plane home tomorrow? Put on some Christmas number ones from the past and play board games? The Christmas spirit is difficult to define these days because things seem to be slipping. The Christmas number one for example no longer really exists. There's also the problem the people tend to get offended on behalf of other people who don't really care, and will complain that talking about Christmas is offensive to people who don't believe in The Jesus, and we should remain secular, yadda yadda yadda. Bollocks to that. Pagan festival, mixed symbolism, dates moving around, bits taken from other beliefs, go to work on the 25th if you want and hey, IT'S CHRISTMAS OK? Get off my case, I'm not even religious. I believe in David Bowie, that's about it. Anyway, it's time to watch the same movies that we watch every year, the same feel-good movies like Love Actually, It's a Wonderful Life and Cobra. What, you've never seen Cobra with Sylvester Stallone? Get it now, it's brilliant.
And it's the only time of year you can dress in red and white and get away with it. All year round, people will say, "Hey, red and white, in June? Really? Are you pretending to be Santa on vacation?" Hey, that's not nice. I know I've got a bit of a belly going on, but still. Here on FML, we like the colours, the lights, the trees. There's a definite Christmas spirit on FML. But more about that next week.

People travel a lot for Christmas. It's very traditional to go to stay with family for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, even if you hate each others guts. It's required. It's an obligation. For Bénédicte, who has two children and a husband, Christmas goes like this: "We eat the chicken, we put the kids to bed, we drink more and more, then wham, we pile the presents under the tree once we've tested that the little lambs are out for the count, then we go off to bed, all the while knowing that we will be woken up at 6 am by two hysterical midgets!" That's the story of life. Well, the story of parents' lives I know what she's talking about, I've got two cats so it's technically the same. We're going to pig out on Whiskas, clean the litter tray, play with the wrapping paper which is always more interesting than the present itself then go out into the neighbourhood to catch mice. Same as each year. That's what years of moderating FML does to your brainbox. OK, I don't have such a sad little life. Almost, but not quite. I'm off to see my family too. And it's stressing me out. Luckily, there will be booze. I've pressed my shirts, made my suitcase and most importantly, I've got the presents ready for the kids (real kids, not cats).

To finish off, as a picture is worth a thousand words, I'll let Bénédicte do her thing. We wish you all a merry Christmas, filled with joy, presents, food, family feuds, because it wouldn't be Christmas without a little feud over the dinner table, that is resolved by the exchanging of gifts. Like most things. Next week, there won't be an illustration, but a post-Christmas special. A surprise sort of thing! Lots of love from Bénédicte and FML! 

 

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1492 - Illustrated FML - On 12/19/2014 at 5:07am by Alan - 9 comments


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  • So, did you catch the game this week? You know, the one with the ball, the scoring and all that stuff. Isn't that how you're supposed to talk to people? OK, I know nothing about sports and teams, but I…

Friday 17 April 2015

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