It's Halloween. I didn't know how to broach the subject, but then the woman who intermittently shares my life (I'm kidding, she's my ugly, smelly cousin) remarked that the FML mentions blood, and that I should link it to Halloween. So now I'm going to pretend that I came up with the idea all on my own. Talent borrow, genius steals and all that. Living together is complicated enough without having to be careful about intellectual property laws. You can borrow each others ideas without becoming a plagiarist, surely? In any case, this week's illustration is all about partnerships, living together, the problems that can arise, communication issues and the ensuing bloodbaths.

ENUTIL'S ILLUSTRATED FML

Self-portrait Enutil by Enutil

 

Enutil is a mysterious person. He only wants to be known under that one moniker. In French, it sort of sounds like "inutile", which means "useless". Already, his first personal FML is : "Turning up to a festival with this name."

His info:
Age: 30, "but it's not your age that counts, it's what you do with it."
Location: Rouen, France
Blog: Paradis d'anges heureux
His illustrated FML: The one with the cut

So, who's behind the name? I like discovering people, except in the shape of dead bodies under my bed. I could explain the story behind that remark, but it's still under investigation, and my lawyer has told me to shut my shitting mouth (apparently, it's legalese, I'd never heard it before). So, what have I learned about Enutil? He's from Rouen in France, he's 30 years old, he's "just passing through" life, and that he's never bored of what he does. OK, that's something.

What does he do? Where does he come from? "I'd always been more interested in literature. I hated maths and physics, and I was a total embarrassment in biology (a teacher once told me that she "pitied my girlfriend" when handing me back a paper I did on contraception. FML) So, I followed my destiny and did a diploma in science. Once I got the diploma (with a 4/20 in biology, the second time, because the first time I got a 5.... FML) I hadn't really asked myself what I wanted to do with my lift, so I did a course in computer science. It taught me a lot, mainly that it really wasn't for me. I stopped the bloodbath at the end of the school year to study thermic engineering, because I'd heard there were job openings. And it was true, once I had my diploma, I already had work." OK, that's a nice résumé. 

What about current news, what's breaking? "I'm going to have my first comicbook collection! Well, it's going to be 4 pages in the middle of a collective work of 330 pages, but... IT'S FANTASTIC!! (Envies d'ailleurs) Besides that, with people I used to collaborate with on "30 days of comics" we're working on a website project: Case libre. It'll of course be centred on comics, in all shapes and sizes, with a team of authors selected for the quality of their work. The team will regularly publish strips, comics and illustrations. The aim is to create a space where everyone gets their say, whether they're an author (amateur or confirmed), reader, or even publisher. The community aspect is the most important for me. There will be a forum as well."

Who is he inspired by? "Steven Seagal." 

Let's get down to the nitty gritty: your projects. "Filling my blog, as always, investing my time with Case Libre and turning down a collaboration with Tarantino. Basically carrying on my series of strips "Bête", my stories about Jean-Paul Parfait. Ah and importantly, start my Al Killer (moron destroyer) strip again, of which a sequel should be with us soon. I need to get ahead on the drawing, to avoid making the reader wait for the story to move along."

What does he like? He seems to like Katy Perry a lot, seeing as he says that he misses her. So they must know each other. "Book: The Little Prince. Film: Prince of Persia. TV Show: The Fresh Prince of Bel Air. Comics: Bernard Prince. So, musically, obviously, everyone will have seen it coming: Nolwenn Leroy." If you didn't get the punchline to that one, Nolwenn Leroy is a french singer who does dirge-like ballads.

To finish off, do you have a phobia? The same as a lot of people, uselessnessphobia, the fear of becoming useless. An irrational fear that pushes people to share the gaping hole that their life has become across facebook all the while collecting as many "friends" as possible. There aren't any self-help groups that we can join to help with this kind of phobia. However, if you want to show your support to this cause, you can do so on this facebook page." Duly noted! 

Another week, another weekend. Now go get dressy-dressed for Halloween, that's an order. My thanks go to Enutil for everything, I'm off to the coast to check out the sea and to drunkenly throw rocks in the water while cursing at the sky. Take care, be excellent to each other, and see you next week.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

It's Friday, so a bold font is required. I was sitting in my caravan by the side of busy road cooking cocktail sausages over a gas stove when I realised it was time to start writing something about this week's artist. This week we're travelling, we're going international once again. This time it's a bit more exotic than Canada or Belgium. We're going to Iceland, with a slight detour through California. What's the caravan for? It's very useful when your main accommodation-slash-hovel has been invaded by thousands of kittens or damaged by children. All this is the theme of this week's illustrated FML. Let's check out what it's all about.

KRUMLA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

Self-portrait Sandra by Krumla

 

Krumla is Sandra. Sandra is Krumla. Sandra is from Iceland, she lives in California at the moment, but is moving back to Iceland in December. Got all of that?

Her info:
Age: 27
Ville: San Francisco, USA, but soon in Reykjavik, Iceland.
Blog: Krumla.com
Her illustrated FML: The one with the towels

This is all very international. I like it. A British guy who lives in Paris, France interviewing someone from Iceland who lives San Francisco. So, what does she do? "Pfff, who knows? Right now I’m transitioning from trying to work as a visual development in the animation industry to being a comic artist. It was getting tiring to wait for studios to realize how awesome I am, so being able to work independently on my own projects is very nice. It allows me to finally tell my own stories and I really enjoy it.  Right now I’m creating a weekly webcomic called Brainiacs (or Ofvitar in Icelandic). It’s about two nerds, Erna and Arnar who live in Reykjavik and their daily adventures. They are mostly inspired by myself, my boyfriend and our friends. I started making them for an Icelandic website called Nerd of the North and people seem to really like it. It is available to read in English here.

What sort of projects does she have? "I have two ideas floating around in my head, I can’t really talk about them at this stage. One is going to be a graphic novel that I want to pitch to publishers soon. I want to test my skills as a writer with it because I love stories that marry humor and tough subjects and this is definitely that sort of story.
The other idea is going to become a fantasy webcomic that might take years to complete. It’s going to be epic! Spanning years and continents, lives ruined, blood shed, epic."

How does one end up in San Francisco when you come from Reykjavik? "I studied Multimedia design in a Icelandic college called Borgarholtsskoli. Then I moved to San Francisco and graduated with a B.F.A in Animation: Visual Development from the Academy of Art University about a year ago." It was that simple. The first time I went to California, I was pulled out of the line at passport control and I really thought I was in for a rectal exam. I wasn't, they just wanted to look at my bag for some reason, but I didn't feel really welcome. I didn't leave with a diploma or anything.

What is the inspired by? "Everyday life, books, movies, random trivia… It is hard to pinpoint how where the ideas come from. Sometimes it takes me a few days to figure out what I want to say, other times it flashes before my eyes instantly and I have to draw quickly before it goes away." Was there an event or a person that made her want to pick up a pencil and start doodling? "I’ve always drawn. Nothing really exciting to say about that. I tried to study something normal at a regular college and thought about becoming a lawyer or economist but that was ridiculous. I would have just been doodling in the courtroom." I can understand that. I've got a degree in psychology. I almost was a work psychologist. I swear this is true, with a specialisation in ergonomy. It just goes to show that you start your adult life thinking you're going to become something, and then a few years later you realise you were right to take a left at one point in your life instead of going the opposite direction. It's the same in love, you think you'll never change your mind about something, that it's impossible. That it'll never happen. Then a few years later, you wake up to realise that you should've tried, and things have passed you by. You have to pay attention. Hashtag YOLO. 

What about her influences? What does she enjoy in life? It seems that her hero is Faith Erin Hicks. "About 15 years ago she taught herself how to draw by making a giant webcomic called Demonology 101. This year she just won an Eisner award for another comic she wrote and drew by herself. She’s also made a few collaboration comics like the Last Of Us: American Dreams. She just really seems like someone who has worked her ass off, was able to do her own thing, and seems like she really deserves tons of success." How about the little things in life? "My friends and I started to play Pathfinder recently. It is like a beginners version of Dungeons and Dragons and we are all total n00bs. I don’t have much pastime lately. I’ve mostly been working and stuff but I have been replaying Dragon Age. It is a RPG fantasy video game that I love more than any other game. The 3rd part Dragon Age: Inquisition is coming out in November and I’m really excited about it (and worried about how much time I’m going to waste playing it). If I could have any job in the world, it would be to be a character designer for that game." 

To finish off, how about the usual personal FML? "Maybe that one time when I managed to lock myself in my own apartment. I was going to class and already running a bit late. My front door has one of those surface mount deadlocks where you have to turn the knob to unlock it from the inside. When I try to open my front door the lock had jammed and wouldn't budge. I was starting to panic because this was the last class of the semester and my grade depended on my turning in my assignment. After about 10 minutes of texting people in my class that I might be late, texting my building director to see if he was in the building, and trying to loosen the knob on my own I grabbed a hammer and banged on the knob until it loosened. It finally got me free and I was able to make it to class. Of course, the teacher didn't show up that day. FML" Classic case of wanting so much protection from the outside world that you get locked inside from it. Great story nevertheless, have a golf clap.

It's Friday and I'm love. That's The Cure again, not me. I'm not in love, as 10CC said. Thanks Sandra for patience and your great illustration. It's now the weekend, so it's time to go out to get some JD's, some coke and some Pringles. Or just stay inside and meditate while listening to whale music. That's what I'll be doing all weekend, because I'm poor. Next week is Halloween, so who knows what could happen. It'll be a surprise. Be excellent to each other until then.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

Everybody's talking about Ebola at the moment. I have trouble keeping up with the latest trends. I'm going to wait until Christmas and see what special offers turn up in the shops, under funky new names like e-Bola, or iBola. OK, I've done some Ebola stuff, what's next? This week I wanted to write something really sweet and romantic about the girl who works in the bakery across the street from where I live, who is very pretty and nice, but I've been told that I can't do that, so I'm going to have to write something normal, if we can pretend for 30 seconds that what I usually write is normal. But then again, what is "normal" anyway? Putting your socks on before your underpants, or the other way round? Declaring your love for your baker in an article introduction, or loving her for the way she wraps her baps? I don't know, I don't know anything anymore. In any case, this week we're being visited by someone quite special this week, someone I've thought of as quite funny for a while now (the opposite didn't turn out to be true). Check it out. 

ZACH'S ILLUSTRATED FML

Self-portrait Zach by Zach

 

By now, you've probably recognised his style. Zach Stafford is one of those people who gets shared. No, not like that. He's what you might call "shareable", in the sense that his illustrations and his website have been around the Internet and back. 

His info:
Age: 25
Location: Mississippi, USA
Blog: Extra Fabulous Comics
His illustrated FML: The one with the beeps

If you've checked out his website, you might have recognised some of his illustrations. What happened was, I saw one of his being shared between friends and thought, "Hey, why not ask him to illustrate an FML?" Nothing ventured, nothing gained, as say people who have never tried to befriend a pissed-off wasp or tried to declare their love to the girl who works at the bakery across the street, so I sent him an e-mail. His response should be a lesson to the rest of the illustrators who dare to send in their work late or shoddy: he'd already finished by the end of the day. This guy doesn't mess about when it comes to illustrating, he's a pro, he knows what he's doing: he gets the job done. You ask for something, a question, a drawing: he's got the answer, the drawing and a little bit more. Extra Fabulous isn't just the name of his website, oh no, it's a way of life. He says so himself, "I make comics for a living! It's the best jam ever. I spent most of my childhood scribbling doodles on stuff, and now I'm spending my adult life scribbling doodles on stuff! I love everything about it!"

It sounds wonderful, being in a position to love your job so much. Not that I don't like my job, of course. I won't go into details, but I work with two cats sitting on my lap. I know, it sounds like so much fun. I'll say no more. But tell us Zach, there must be some negative aspects to what you do? "Probably money, stable relationships, an appropriate sleep schedule, emotional security, those sorts of things. Currently I'm battling several types of emotional disorders and depression attributable to hardcore life ding dong biz! I can't sleep and stuff, so that's neat. More time to think of stupid comics, amirite!"

So, as David Byrne from the Talking Heads sang in "Once in a Lifetime", "How did I get here?" "Well, I have acquired a Bachelor's Degree in Jazz and Classical Bass performance, and I've even gotten one of those hip new "High School" diplomas, as well as an online "wedding officiator" certification!" An unusual career path. As I was blathering about last week, it's a good thing to change directions every now and again, but these days it's becoming quite the challenge, there's obstacles everywhere, like the economy, Ebola, trees in the road, the economy, depression, death, the economy, lack of enthusiasm, unemployment, flat tyres, the economy… Yeah, OK, anything is possible if you apply yourself, or so I've been told. "It's when you stop searching that you start to find." Or, "There's plenty more fish in the sea." That's all well and good but none of this is very helpful when I'm looking for the TV remote.

Zach's projects. What do you want to do when you grow up? "My dream is to get a job as a writer for Cartoon Network, and someday pitch my own concept for a cartoon! I'll probably always keep the webcomic up though." Where does this passion for drawing come from? Is there a long-winded story about someone or something special that was passed down through generations, a family trait that gave you the gift of illustration? "Well… I'm not sure. I've always drawn!"

What else do you like to do besides drawing? "I love fresh air, clear skies, the reflection of the sun off of the water, a well-tuned guitar, a beautiful voice, and a bubble bath before bedtime. I play my guitar all of the time, and when nobody is around, I sing a bit to myself. I like eating junk food in excess, but I can't handle alcohol much. I've seen every sunrise and sunset for about a year now, and I can't sleep if I know one is happening. Right now I'm listening to a bunch of stuff; Arctic Monkeys, Kendrick Lamar, Maps and Atlases, and Patrick Lee, to name a few. As far as shows and movies go, I absorb them at an alarming rate, cuz I draw so much. But if I had to choose one thing to watch forever, it'd be Adventure Time. My favorite book for now is probably Joseph Heller's "Catch 22", and I freaking love any and all Batman graphic novels." He also says he hangs out on Reddit. "I like to keep an eye on reddit.com's comic and webcomic subreddits for some of my friends' stuffs, as well as finding new comics to follow altogether." Reddit is an interesting place. But if you want relationship advice, it's best to avoid it. If you want advice about how to behave yourself socially, it's best to avoid it. If you want advice on how to build a time machine, it's best to avoid it. Basically, it's best to avoid it for advice. 

So, to finish off, maybe your own personal FML? "I'd have to say my personal FML would be the experience I had growing up, I always thought I'd follow in my dad's footsteps and join the military. I spent years in the Officer Training Program at school and I had even lined up which school I would attend for architecture, paid for by the Marines. I got to the MEPS station after a long bus ride a couple days after graduation, went through the preliminaries, took the physical, even got my prostate examined by some angry old man. I was sitting on the bench outside the room to swear in when they handed me my papers, stamped "UNFIT FOR SERVICE", due to my fire ant allergies. FML" Creepy, but understandably gutting.

That's all for this week. Once again, I'd like to thank Zach for everything, really. He asked me to mention his Facebook page, so I'm mentioning it. Check it out, and say hi from me. I'm now taking a break, it's the weekend, and intend on doing nothing. I have lots of things to do, but the "nothing" option seems the best. Or, I might take a train towards the south and live a new life with an alcoholic flamenco dancer who shares a house with 12 dogs and her blind sister. You guys, on the other hand, remember the words of Bill Hicks, it's just a ride; so get out there. Get up on the dance floor and have fun. Life is a party and all that, you never know when you're going to get a number 78 bus in the face, so be free. Me, no, I'm way too scared to try all that. See you next week!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

Friends, the end is nigh. According to our sources (meaning the people on the Internet who freak out about things they don't understand, like vapour trails in the sky or the basic chemistry behind vaccinations), the Ebola virus is right outside our doors. We're all doomed. It's over, people. Luckily, to boost the mood of a world going down the pan, David Guetta is back with a new song to cheer us all up. Wahey! So, let's all stay in the same party mood, and make the most of the time we have left to think about the things that make life worth living. Things aren't so bad, are they? We should all accept that we made some decisions at points in our lives, and now we get to enjoy the consequences. This week's illustration is all about what happens when you're not really careful when selecting a career, a reminding us all to think before signing on the dotted line. Check it, yo. 

LOYD'S ILLUSTRATED FML #2

Self portrait Théo by Loyd

 

Do you recognise this guy? Yep, it's the welcome return of Théo, AKA Loyd. His previous illustrated FML was quite a hit, so we asked him to come and do another one. And he said yes, so here we go again. 

His info:
Age: 19
Location: Lyon, France
Blog : The world of Loyd
Sa VDM illustrée : The one with the phobia

Théo/Loyd is from Lyon, in France. It's a nice city, located over there somewhere, and I think the population is of at least 17 people and a blind cat. What does get up to there? "I spent three years in high school there lounging around with disconcerting disdain, but I managed to get it over with in three years with a diploma in litterature. I had a specialisation in art history, which was nice but was way too long for impatient young man that I was, ready to start out in life (ho hum). Besides that, professionally, I've also been an assitant cook in a restaurant for a whole week. Does that count?" Yes it does, and that's perfect because I'm starving. I need feeding right now, despite the fact that I'm shaped like Homer Simpson. 

That reminds me somewhat of what I was saying in the intro about life choices, and work and all that. Théo/Loyd has seemingly been around the block a bit before finding his calling, his niche, and the most interesting people I've met are usually people who've not yet found out what it is they "want to be". People who "know" what they want to be at a young age usually miss out on a lot of things. It's a shame to stick to your guns sometimes. In love also, potentially. For example, you can find yourself in a relationship for years and then come across the love of your life quite randomly via friends of friends, but life is cruel and you can't just up sticks and change your life, even though you feel electricity every time you're in presence of this new person. I'm not thinking of anyone in particular, no, honest, I'm sure there's a few of you out there who've experienced this. Loyd for example, he's been to an applied art school with a specialisation in illustration, comics and animation, but who knows, maybe in 10 years time he'll be a truck driver who plays in a Nirvana tribute band. Anything is possible. 

I have to copy and paste this bit. Yes, I know, it's a bit lazy of me, but it's the weekend, and I like frightening people with this thing. When I asked him if he had any phobias, this is what he said: "I'm afraid of Scutigera coleoptrata. You don't know what they are? Have a look on Google Images and you'll soon find out. They're everywhere in the summer in my apartment and they can be at least 15cm long. They're AWFUL. And they can bite. And jump." I'd said at the time, "Ew, I'd run a mile in broken glass on my cock to get away from one of those." I stand by those words.

So, what are his inspirations, what makes him tick? "I won't give you the whole spiel about "Oh me I've been drawing since I was little and my mum says that I used to draw beautiful dragons and that I had a gift for drawing and blablabla." What spurred me on was seeing other people create fantastic stuff, and it made me want to do the same. And it's still a big source of what motivates me today! If I had to designate an author who made me want to draw, it would have to be Lewis Trondheim. It's quite simple, I represented 90% of the ratio of his comic rentals at the library." Oh, and without forgetting: "My hero is Johnny Cash. A natural stress-reliever since 1932. A little bit of Daddy Sang Bass, and I'm good to go!" 

He also makes videos on YouTube : "With my friends, we're preparing a web series, called Failures and it'll be on our YouTube channel!" I mention it in passing because it's all in French, so if any of you feel like checking out some odd french guys messing about, feel free to have a look!

Right, that'll do for this week. Quick article, due to a weird week. Strange weather, Ebola making people lose their marbles and loads of people turning up to my apartment. And a chance encounter with someone who came over to take pot shots at my choice of wall decorations. Seriously, who doesn't love Joy Division? Strange girl. She's learning to make jewelry. I go all weird just thinking about… Never mind. Next week we'll hopefully be visited by someone from further north than usual. Until then, be funky, listen to some James Brown, don't forget to call your parents to tell them that everything is OK, that you haven't got Ebola yet. See you soon! 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

The month is just starting, or ending according to my bank account. What does that mean? Yep, it's time for a trip down crackpot lane. As you may know by now, every month we try to serve up a selection of the kookiest FMLs we have received over the past. We don't change a single thing, not a spelling mistake, not a comma. This is exactly how they are submitted. Here we go. 

As I said, the people who have written these FMLs actually sent them in exactly as they are presented. I just added some smartarse titles. We come across these when moderating FMLs, and you can too if you take part in the automoderation section of the website/app. If you feel you're up to it, psychologically-speaking of course. Anyway, let's get down to business. 

The theme from M*A*S*H*

Today my toddler commited suicide. He did not know how to write, so the suicide note was just a frowny face that was crying. FML

No one ever cares about GWB

Today, I went cannobalistic and ate my family, friends, and George bush. FML
 

Oh Icarus...

Today, I realized: When I was a child, I wanted to fly. Then I thought, “hey - if I become a human who can transform into a bird at will, then I’ll be able to fly without sacrificing my ability to communicate!” Later, I decided that maybe it would be easier to just focus on becoming a bird. FML
 

My point, and I do have one

Today everyone! I’ m so me don’ You were bored; t book-reading, you should have said to BYE to or really what…You appreciate, you have known! FML.
 

Magic's wand

WHAT THE F?!?!?!?! David Blaine keeps using freaky ass magic on me! FML 
 

Fraggle Rock

I love complexity I wish I could join them im actually a top fragger in the east coast, but mad people fake because im a jewish muffin. FML
 

Milking it

Today, I was in a grocery store buying milk but they didnt have any. An overweight ugly chic named Cow and she said that she have some milk in the back. I followed her to the back and she jumped at me and knocked me unconscious. I woke up found myself lying naked next to a Cow with 4 tits.FML
 

Granny Smith makes an appearance

i pooped real hard i swear i saw a whole apple come out
 

That song from the '90s

Today I was taking a piss when my detachable penis fell into the toilet and I flushed it. FML
 

When dogs go bad

Today, I got shot in the back several times by a dog who had some how found a paintball, don’t ask me how. FML
 

That's it for this month. We'll be back next month, same time, same place, same oddball people. We hope you'll be back because you enjoyed reading these, we certainly enjoyed looking out for them. FYI: these are all compiled from the website started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: Don't. Until next time, be excellent to each other and have a glass of water now and then.

Bonus not-really-hidden, track:

/ThatHappened/

I’m a single father with a 16 year old son, lately ive been waking up with a sore anus, at the moment im on the sleeping pills that help me to fall into a deep sleep. One night i decided not to take the sleeping pills and i was distrotly woken up by my son penetratinng anally.