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Illustrated FML (245) - Videos (34) - About FMyLife (32) - Ramblings (10) - Books (9) - Competitions (6) - Special guests (6)

Did you enjoy 2013? No? Here goes 2014 anyway.

 

      So, 2014 is now with us… We'll dispense with the shockingly insincere New Year's wishes that are flying about right now, and get straight to it. To help you get through this trying time and the post-NYE party blues, here's a bunch of words. Bear with me. This article is actually a bit of a belated Christmas gift to you, with a bit of a feel-good element thrown in. Or should that be "a shocking indictment of the state of minds around the world, with some cynical clap-trap attached"? You know what FML is like, right? Anyway, we recently posted a selection of FMLs that we could never have been published on the website for being too weird. As a special gift, to welcome in the New Year, and before this sort of column eventually becomes a regular feature, here are some more!

 

"Today, I realized my stomach is so big I can clean my belly button with my tongue. It tasted bad. FML"

"Today, I stared at my turd long enough to realise it looked like a penguin. FML"

"today, i learnt the alphabet………………………….im 79 abcdfegihkjlmnopqrstuvwxynz FML"

(The FML garden, after the office NYE party)

 

      I’ve always been fond of the holiday season. The tinsel. The lights. Ringing in the New Year with friends. The message of hope and booze. The songs. The Phil Spector Christmas Album. The lights. The New Year's eve parties. The way Noddy Holder goes, “It’s Chriiiiistmaaaaas” during Slade’s Merry Xmas Everybody. The Tinsel. Mince Pies. Kissing someone at midnight. Flashing lights. But everyone is dreaming of a White Christmas. Maybe not this sort though:

"I thought i was skiing when i woke up irelize iwas jerking my boyfriend an his friend off in my sleep long story short i ended up iwas covered in white stuff thati thought was snow fml"

      The holidays are usually spent with your family, just after having a near nervous breakdown trying to work out what to buy them. Presents are the worst. Buying a present for someone without any specific guidelines is hard work, especially when the person you are buying for couldn’t care less, and can’t be bothered to put in the effort in return.

"My brother woke me up this morning and told me he was married to an asian foot doctor. Apparently they met while playing chess online. He has know idea how to tell mum and dad FML"

"I Saw My Mom’s Dick 2Day FML!!!"

"today my lil cousin ask me if my fish was thristy … and cried to my mom dat i wouldnt let her give he fish juice . and my mom yelled at me ."

 

What to do when the holidays with your family get boring:

You could always spice up your "special family time" with some fancy new activities for all ages to take part in. Here are a few I suggest:

-Organize a Fight Club in your garage. Easy to put together and the 8-year-old nieces and nephews are easy to deck to score points if you’re a grown adult.

-Naked Twister. Always a big hit with the old folks (no new-fangled computers to confuse them).

-Why don’t you all fuck off home: Stand in the middle of your living and scream, “Why don’t you all fuck off home?” until everyone leaves.

-Sit in silence and plan a mass murder. Or maybe not, eh? Just chill out.

We should include a "Happy New Year" card now. However, the arts department are all comatose under a table, and I'm all alone and am rubbish at Photoshop, so instead of a 2014 card, here's one from 1914:

 

(This card is 86% more cheerful than anything else produced today)

 

     I do hope your family is none of this lot:

"i managed to decapitate an ant by farting"

"today my friend was making out with his laptop charger, and i used his physics question answers =D….fml"

"Today, while peeing, I noticed my pee smelt like mashed potatoes. I decided to drink it to see if it tasted like mashed potatoes. It didn’t. FML"

      

(Here's a picture of a happy Ricky Martin, for no particular reason)

 

      Maybe I shouldn’t be so cynical. Maybe, as the philosopher Sophie-Marie Larrouy once said, we should slow our cynicism down. Remember, people are all someone’s children, parents, brothers and sisters, uncles and aunts. Yes, they may be simple folk who think wrestling is real, or can be nasty people who shoot woodland creatures in the face with rocket launchers, but they’re family. Your family. So maybe take the opportunity to get to know them better, engage with them. Have a chat; maybe you’ll learn something. But if they still act like tools towards you despite your best efforts, take a dump in their punchbowl and never speak to them again. Merry New Year everybody!

#1424 - Ramblings - On 01/01/2014 at 7:22am by Alan - 43 comments

Ségolène's illustrated FML

Hello everybody! We truly hope you had great holidays. For the next two weeks we're welcoming a French artist who brings us up to 2014 with a special New Year's Eve illustration. Also, I'm very proud to introduce her to you, as I've actually known her for twenty years now. Ladies, gentlemen, Santa Claus, please, welcome...

 

 

-Hello everybody, my name is Ségolène Derudder!

 

-So weird to do this interview with you. Anyway, how old are you dear Ségolène?
-I’m twenty three.

 

-Where do you live?
-I'm moving in a few weeks into a huge and bright loft with 3 flatmates in Paris, France.

 

 

-What's your job?
I graduated last summer from ESAG Penninghen, and I'm working as a freelancer while looking for a job in an agency. I design graphic charters for logos, business cards, greeting cards, web sites, mobile applications... I try to use my passion for illustrations in my work. I have illustrated a children book, which soon is going to be sold (already on www.francislechat.fr). I’ll be exposing in January the originals of my graduation project in a gallery.

 

-What's your daily routine?
-I wake up late, I put some music (it is indispensable), I look on the internet the new job offers and I call my clients. Then I work on my desk or on my bed... And then I go out to celebrate this.

 

-This I can confirm. What are your inspirations?
-I love Mac bess and Fabien Merelle. I often go to the Sergeant Paper art store to discover new illustrators/artists. That’s what I like about it, they expose illustrators as artists and sell their illustrations in frames. 

 

 

-Tell us more about your website
-I just put some personal works and school experiences. You can also go to my behance network. You’ll see new professional projects.

 

-How do you work?
-I work with a rotring pen which is really thin and deep black. I use my scanner, my computer software and my pen tablet to finalize. 

 

-And last but not least, why did you choose this FML story?
-A friend of mine lived the same story. Her brother set fire to her room lighting some fireworks. And of course because New Year's Eve is in a few days!

 

-Thank you very much Ségolène for taking part!

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Ségolène's websitehttp://segolenederudder.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1426 - Illustrated FML - On 12/28/2013 at 6:09am by Alice - 10 comments

Crimson Sun's Illustrated FML

Hello everybody! Thanks to the amazing Julien, we've had wonderful artists for the few last weeks. Today, we're not going French though. We're going to the amazing (and weird) country named Australia to discover Crimson Sun, an artist you may already know thanks to her amazing fan-arts (including Avengers, Sherlock, etc.). Let's get the chance to know her, shall we!

 

 

-What is your name, surname and nickname? 
-I have this grandiose vision that one day, I'll become wildly famous and successful under both my pen name and my real name, at which point I'll publicly tie the two together and bask in the due glory which would no doubt result. Since that hasn't happened yet, you can know me as my pen name - Crimson Sun - which I made up for online use about twelve years ago and now can't for the life of me remember why. Friends call me Crim!


-How old are you?
-Quarter century!

 

-Where do you live?
-Melbourne, Australia.

 

-What's your job?
-I'm a veterinarian.

 

-What's your journey?
-The choice after high school was between art and science, though art never really had a fair go. This is mostly because -
a) as a kid, I used to sit outside my neighbour's house for hours, petting their dog, and a life working with animals just sounded like the best thing ever;
b) I thought the medical/veterinary skill set would be more useful to me in the impending zombie apocalypse;
c) there was a voice in my head (still present, which I may one day need to take meds for) driving me toward a life of academia, surgical instruments, and bitter loneliness; and
d) I knew myself well enough to know I lacked the creativity and motivation to be a truly successful artist. That doesn't mean I've ever stopped or will ever stop drawing, though! I'm currently working for an extremely capable and compassionate boss, and the plan for the next few years is just to learn as much as possible and help the practice expand. One day I hope to produce a comic based on my veterinary experiences, which would be the ultimate combination of both my passions.

 

-What are your inspirations?
-I started drawing to imitate the popular anime/manga series of the nineties - y'know, Sailor Moon, Dragonball Z, Pokemon, Evangelion, etc - and though I haven't watched an anime series for ages, I don't think that early influence would ever leave my work. I'm really into Marvel at the moment, and there are innumerable online artists I admire and draw inspiration from. Gotta love that internet!

 

-Do you read webcomics? If so, which ones?
-Too many to name them all! The ones that immediately jump to mind are Nedroid Comics and Romantically Apocalyptic. 

 

 

-Tell us more about your Tumblr?
-I started a tumbleblog about two years ago because all the cool kids were doing it, and 'cause being on Tumblr was infinitely more interesting than studying for final exams. It remains a lovely form of procrastination to this day.

 

-How do you work?
-Frantically, and alone.

 

-Why did you choose this FML story?
-Mostly because the 'dude looks like a lady' gag is old and I wanted to liven it up a little. Also because I resent the notion that every encounter with a beautiful stranger has to result in romantic conquest. Why can't we just aim to make friends? What's wrong with purely platonic relationships? Why is our society so obsessed with dating? What do you mean I sound like a jaded singleton? ...What was the question again?

 

 

CLICK HERE TO SEE THE ILLUSTRATED FML

 


Crimson's Tumblrhttp://crimson-sun.tumblr.com/

 

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1425 - Illustrated FML - On 12/20/2013 at 2:11pm by Alice - 15 comments

Become someone's Santa

UPDATE : We made it! You made it! Our target has been reached! Well done all of you. Let's all pat ourselves on the back on this joyous occasion. The fact that it happened more or less on Christmas is a Christmas miracle. Who ever said that only bad things happen on FML? Think again, come in error friends! We give and we give and ask for not a lot in return. Well, we wouldn't mind a nice box of chocolates now and then, maybe some ham? But for now, we've got three gifts to send to our lucky FML members. If that's not a clear indication of what being part of the FML family means, well, the signals are pretty clear, open your eyes. Anyway, we wish you all a merry Christmas, and hope that all goes well. Until next time, be excellent to each other!

--------

The holiday season is well under way, what with Thanksgiving being over, and turkeys now being able to relax for a bit. People have given themselves pastings over Black Friday, the media invented whatever Cyber Monday was supposed to be to have something to talk about and we had a nice Regular Tuesday having a bath and listening to some pan-pipes music to relax.

The holiday season is not just fun and games and diabetes though. It’s a time to think about our friends, families and those who are less fortunate than us. Here at FML, we may come across as a cynical bunch of hoodlums, but we’re not. We strive for excellence, and we wear our hearts on our sleeves. (Not literally, that wouldn’t be pleasant for anyone). We’ve had our share of unfortunate stories on our shores. People have come and gone; they’ve told us their tales of woe. They’ve made us laugh with their lack of skills when it comes to success in the real world.

FML Headquarters, Yesterday

FML Headquarters, yesterday

This year, we’ve decided to give back to those poor souls who were brave enough to reach out into the dark void that is the Internet, and help them out. No, we’re not going to give them money, or a trip to go fart in a space dome. No, it’s better than that. We’re going to give them… the FML treatment! OK, when we put it like that, it sounds a bit creepy, but it’s not, honest! Here’s the idea:

We’ve selected 3 FMLs from the “Follow-up” category. In case you don’t know, this category is where the person who posted the story actually came back to comment on it, and gave some indications to how things turned out afterwards. The fact that they’ve commented on the stories means that we can contact them, and reward them with something to make up for the hardship they endured. But we can’t give out prizes willy-nilly, we’re not a massive charity with tons of cash to spend on everyone. This is where you come in. We're going to put the 3 stories up for vote, and you get to decide whether or not they deserve to be compensated or not. Then, once the numbers are in, we, like some sort of confused, bumbling Santa with less dress sense, get in touch with the winners, send them their prize and announce it all on the website/app with much gusto and maybe some piss-weak beer and some stale chips for everyone.

An FML moderator in full flight, 9am

How does it work? We've arbitrarily set some cut-off points for each story, which correspond to amounts of visits for this page. If the target is met for each one, we will go ahead with our proposals.

So, what are the stories, and what will they be getting? Here they are:

   Our first story is about a budding artist and his medium choice:

Today, I got to spend all of my time scrubbing poop off the walls and carpet because my 2-year-old decided he wanted to "paint mama a picture." FML - by ashsaunde

The user then told us by commenting on their FML: "Yes he was finger painting with it as well as wiping his butt on everything in his room. We're in the middle of potty training so he thought he was helping by cleaning himself off."

To compensate for this mess, if this page hits 30,000 views, we'll give them something to make up for it. What is it? Well, just check back as often as possible, and the box below will reveal itself as this page gets more and more hits.
 

Page hits : 110557
 

The first Xmas gift is a paint set for the kid to express himself artistically, as well as a kid-sized cleaning utensils so that if anything gets messy again, he can damn well clean it up himself!

 

   Our second story, is a story about school lunches, passing out and lasagna:

Today, during school, I passed out in the lunch line and hit my head on the metal rail as I fell. Rather than helping or expressing concern at all, my friends simply left my unconscious body on the floor. Why? They had to get to the lasagna before the cafeteria ran out of it. FML - by _sempiternus 

The user sempiternus then went on to comment on their FML by saying: "Thank you all for the wishes of recovery! Besides my bruised ego, I am perfectly well."

What do we want to do for them? If this page hits 60,000 views, we thought that we'd... well no, you'll have to wait to find out. Same as the previous entry, check the box below for the slow reveal!

As you may have worked out, the second gift is a meal for two at an Italian restaurant so that some proper lasagna can be had, to make up for the (probably terrible) canteen ones that were missed out on!

 

  Our last Xmas miracle is about grandmothers and pictures:

Today, I realized that my grandma has pictures of all her grandchildren all over her house, with one glaring exception: me. FML - by saraitkddh 

saraitkddh told us afterwards: "She has more than one picture of me but she just put them inside the drawer. She always ask my cousins for pictures of them, and my mom once offered her to give her new pictures of me but she ignored her."

This is the big one. What can we do? Well, same again, with your help and 90,000 hits on this page, maybe we can bring some festive cheer into someone's life. The gift will appear in the box below as time, and clicks, go on. So get on with it, and spread some holiday cheer!

As you can see, the third prize is an electronic picture frame. Something high-tech is always nice to fiddle with at Christmas, and this way, our prizewinner can either keep it home to put their own selection of pictures in, or fill it with pictures of herself and plant it in Grandma's house! 

This is the obligatory end bit. To end this festive blog article, here's a link to Wham's "Last Christmas", AKA "The Best Christmas Song EVER".  So now get clicking on this page, and maybe next year it’ll be you!

#1422 - Competitions - On 12/17/2013 at 9:45am by FML - 45 comments

Sophie's Illustrated FML

Hey there everyone! At the time of writing it’s Friday the 13th. Which means that by the time you read this, I might have had my head sliced off by an escaped mental patient wearing a hockey mask, or I might’ve been shoved into a huge blender by an escaped mental patient wearing a hockey mask, or I might actually be a mental patient wearing a hockey mask, and that’s me knocking at your door with a meat cleaver for a hand.

Anyway, before any of that happens, it’s time to present this week’s artist. She’s called Sophie, and she’s from France. She has a blog, a portfolio but doesn’t have a Twitter account because she claims she “has a life”. She’s been 25 for the past 11 years.

So, what’s she up to? “Freelance illustrator for only the past two years. Before that I was a project manager for a city council, so not at all the same thing. But it wasn’t much fun, I wanted to have a laugh during the day and I didn’t want to have to wake up at 6:30am or take public transportation. So I said to myself, drawing, that’s a cool thing to do, you can live where you want, work whenever you want… So now I get to sleep late and I’m starving. But it’s good for my figure.”

She says that particularly likes working from home in the winter, when everyone else has to go out in the cold, under the rain. She giggles in front of her computer while thinking about them, the crazy witch. She enjoys the freedom the work brings, and the fact that drawing is fun. She’s her own boss, has to obey to no one, but her bank won’t lend her any money anymore, she can’t go shopping much, doesn’t eat much, talks to herself and thinks she’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. And she also thinks she’s in the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. Oh, we said that already. Sorry. Anyway, she says she regrets nothing.

At the moment she’s working on small personal projects: two kids books and two comic books. “I have advertising contracts here and there and little comic strips in a teen magazine.” But for now she has to “find her Christmas tree, find a significant other, start a family and save the world!”

What’s her educational career? “I wanted to be like Indiana Jones when I was little. So I studied law. Can’t you see the similarities? Me neither. But you learn from your mistakes I’m told. I managed to get my masters degree in environmental law in England where I spent over a year and a half. Being a student in England is great, I’d recommend it. Then I studied archeology in Paris, which was closer to my goal but there where no jobs going and it’s nothing like being Indiana Jones. I wanted to find the Holy Grail and become immortal. So while I was waiting around, I started doodling. So I’m self taught. My father was an illustrator, so I did have a bit of a background, having been to a lot of book fairs and comic book festivals during the first 15 years of my life. Oh, and I spent almost 3 years in Italy, so I speak a bit of Italian, but not a lot because where I was, we spoke mainly English. Shame."

Yep, that’s a shame alright! Anyway, on to the next part of the interview! The Q&A part. Here we go:

Cats or dogs?

Dogs! They smell bad, lose their hair, they dribble but they’re the only thing in the world that would give it’s life for you.

What are the latest things you enjoyed at the movies, in music, books and comic books?

I really live Alabama Monroe at the movies, it’s a beautiful movie and the soundtrack is great too. I have to go and see Gravity. Books: I have just started It by Stephen King and I’ve been advised to keep some space free in my freezer to shut the book in. Should I be worried? As for comics, I haven’t read much recently. That’s a bad thing, I should go to stores more often.

Who are the main artists you enjoy and whose blogs you check out regularly?

There’s too many to list here. There is an incomplete list on my blog. And there’s a lot of artists that I love who don’t have a blog.

Tell us about what you enjoy in life, your passions, your pastimes, your vices, your everyday pleasures.

I’m going to be original: drawing. Other than that, cooking, dancing, movies, swimming, chocolate and cheese (not at the same time), books, chocolate, traveling, cheese, meals with friends, alcohol, marshmallows, sex, chocolate (at the same time or not), rock music, cheese, opera. Wait, I’m sure I’m forgetting something important, ah yes, chocolate and cheese!

Do you have a phobia? If so, what is it?

I’m afraid of spiders. But I quite like Spider-Man.

To finish off this interview, ask yourself a question you would’ve liked to have been asked and then choose to answer it or not.

-Would you like me to give you 60 million Euros? (because a million seems cheap)

-Yes please, that’s very kind!

 

There we go. She was nice. How could you not like someone who lists cheese, chocolate and sex as her favorite hobbies? Those are FMLs favourite things too. Well, that’s it for this week. We’re still on the run up to Christmas, but it’s not yet Christmas, but it’s just like Christmas with all the decorations clawing at our eyeballs from every angle, so here’s what should be on heavy rotation on every radio station around the world, Low’s “Just Like Christmas”. See you next week!

 

And to see Sophie Ruffieux's Illustrated FML, click here.

 

If you want to be the next published artist, send an email to alice [at] fmylife.com including a link to your website/blog/DeviantArt. But DON'T send your illustration right away! You need first to get in touch with me, and I'll tell you what you have to do!

#1423 - Illustrated FML - On 12/13/2013 at 10:26am by FMyLife - 5 comments


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Friday 18 April 2014

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