Hello young whippersnappers, it's time for my column. I've carefully written down my replies to your questions onto some quality paper and sent it to the dogsbody person at FML, who then types it all into the computer. If there are any spelling mistakes, blame him. It's not my fault is today's young people can't read or write properly because they're all to busy staring at shiny rectangles, or gawping at the latest rap singer person. I once tried listening to some of your today's music, my young next-door neighbor hooked me up to FM radio so I could give it a go. It was terrible. I went straight back to AM radio so I could listen to wall-to-wall '60s and '70s classics like Paul Anka and The Incredible String Band to answer all your terrible whiny questions. Anyway, I'm ready to let loose on your unsuspecting eyes.
In case you are too drunk to remember the concept: Three weeks ago, I asked you to write in so that I could give you advice. My advice is better than the crap that you get sold these days. Women's magazines are full of herbal tea and people poking needles into each other's backsides, and the less said about men's magazines the better. I offer direct, back to basics advice, less needles, more straight talk. No charging a fortune for bullcrap remedies, just questions and answers. Got it? Let's go.
(Janice and Sharon were already regretting their expensive Groupon impulse-buy)
So, you sent me some questions to me. It was like Saturday night at the Wailing Wall. Yet again I got a bunch of "comedy" messages, which I might compile one day and publish in Cretin Monthly. But some of the rest were actual problems, so I read them and came up with actual realistic responses, got a few written agreements and now I can offer up this week's selection. Please bear in mind that this is for the good of the community, and is in no way a bunch of cheap shots.
Our first, odd, question of the week is from ClockworkPoleaxe:
"My parents are getting mad at me for spending time with my waifu. What do I do??"
I had to ask my teenage neighbor what this question meant, and I'm guessing this piece of flippancy could be classified as a "comedy" question. But I've also been told that this is a growing phenomenon, and that a lot of silly young tits are becoming such losers of epic proportions that they are actually attracted to this so-called lifestyle. For those of you who, like me, don't really know what this entails, I'll explain. It appears that these oddballs are in love with pictures of girly-girls, and spend time worshipping false idols. Not in a religious sense, though. They have sexual feelings for girls that aren't real. Girls from Japanese cartoons. Don't start that "It's not cartoons, it's aminey" stuff with me, I don't care, it's all the same horse-hockey to me. I'm actually getting angry writing this out. Let me have a cup of tea. Right, that's better. So, what can I tell this person? You really need to get out more. I know the real world and real people are scary and assholes, and that you must be a bit weird and smell of pickles, but if you actually make the effort to talk to people, you might enjoy yourself. Otherwise, one day, you might wake up and realize that life has passed you by and you're still a virgin at 53. So get your skates on, you big girl's blouse. And lose that stupid beard.
A recurring question from hugoni2000:
"I went to the doctor not to long ago and found out I am a bit overweight. I really don't want to be but I still don't want to give up food... What do I do??"
Wait a second. You had to go to the doctor to find out that you're overweight? You hadn't realized it before? Is it that you're not THAT fat, or just that you were in denial and you look like a barrel on legs? I'm not that bothered about fat bastards, but then again, I also use my stomach as a shelf for my teacup and the TV remote when I'm watching TV. I'm not in denial, I've just reached that age when I don't care any more about stuff like that. BUT, how do you expect to lose weight without giving up a little bit of food? You can't stuff your face AND lose weight. Unless you stuff your face with toilet paper (AKA the Victoria Beckham diet). There's no miracle fad diet thing, just eat less calories than your body burns off. Then again, there's nothing wrong with being a "bit" overweight. Don't give into the fashionista Nazis who want everyone to be "beach ready", they're wrong about everything that makes people happy. Flip the bird to the people who think that skinny, or indeed any body shape, is best, we'll see when there's a global famine after Yellowstone finally blows, they'll be the first to die off, and it'll be the people with the fat genes who'll be repopulating the planet.
A question from dramaelf, who is on the edge:
"Dear Auntie Bernie, I am a 24 year old girl and I still haven't had a boyfriend. I had a date once, but he talked about nothing but Communism and used too much tongue. I'm starting to worry that I'll die alone, but at the same time I have no idea how to talk to people or make a real connection. What should I do?"
One date? ONE single date at 24, and with a commie? At least you got a kiss. Well, you mentioned too much tongue, so I'm assuming that was a kiss, because if it was something else, there's NEVER too much tongue! Sorry, I get randy after I've had some tea. Talking to people is easy, I don't know why people get so nervous about it. Maybe you're too neurotic about dying alone, that's somewhere to start. We all die alone, so you can forget about that, it's inevitable. Unless you're in a plane crash, you get to die simultaneously with others I suppose. Anyway, just go up to someone new, hold out your hand and introduce yourself. Just don't call them a cunt. Join a club. Find people who have similar interests. Sleep around. Show your boobs. That's what I do. Connections, schmonnections. Most people don't have a clue what they're doing, everyone is winging it most of the time, so don't worry about it. What I'm trying to say is stop being such a wuss. Find something interesting about yourself and use that as marketing tool. And if you're not interesting, make something up. There was a man in my hometown who never talked to anyone, nobody talked to him, and then one day everyone knew who he was, and he was the talk of the town. Well, he did kill and eat the postman, but I'm not suggesting anything that drastic.
Don't give up
A real classic bullcrap tale from _Tater_Tot_:
"So I've been seeing this guy for a while now but he doesn't want us to be actually considered dating. He refers to me as his "Best Friend" and we have a sort of Friends With Benefits thing going on. It's gotten to the point that I stay over at his house at least 3 times a week and I have my own key and a toothbrush there. I also help him with his finances and he takes me out on dates and buys me gifts regularly. On top of that he gets jealous of other guys that I talk to. I told him I loved him and am ready for an actual relationship and he replied that he feels the same way but he doesn't want to say or do anything like that till he can promise me certainty. This has been going on for several months and I'm starting to think I should give up. What do I do??"
Oh boy, I hate guys like that. I've known my fair share. I used to date a famous musician from a fair-to-middling '70s rock band who was just like that, but his reason was that he was always on tour, so he would have groupies begging to suck on his knob from dawn til dusk, so "how can I commit to you, honey?" Is your guy a famous musician? I doubt it. He's just some twit who's afraid commitment. So it's up to you, do you want to be free of commitment yourself, because it's in the verbal contract, somewhere? Or do you want to tell him to clear off, and get yourself a "real" relationship with someone who'll actually be there? Actually, that sounds like terrible advice. This guy of yours sounds like a real idiot. Why do you put up with this bullcrap? It's like he's holding out for something or someone else, and if and when this other person turns up, he can can you without a second thought, because he's never said he was "certain". So shove him off a cliff, get some self-respect. Otherwise I'll do it for you, because you'll be the twit in this sorry tale. Get on with it.
Last question from highmidnightjazz, who is at her wits end:
"I'm the single mother of a 3 year old boy who refuses to talk. He also refuses to listen. He will outright ignore me when I say anything go him. And fight when I try to get him to look at me. I'm at my limit and going grey at 24!?"
I feel your pain. I really do. I have kids all around me. In my family. My friends have them. There's many in my neighborhood. They all talk about them, everywhere, all around me, I get dragged into conversations about them, about how hard it is to raise children, how tiring and difficult children are to deal with. And each time I do, I always say the same thing: "HAHAHAHA, I don't have kids, I never wanted any, and I'm glad I never did. I'm now going to go home and do whatever I want. Naked." Sorry, I shouldn't gloat. Your problem sounds terrible. Are you sure your child isn't just a little shit? He won't talk or listen, either he's a little shit, or he's deaf. Deaf kids can't learn to speak. I think. I'm not sure. If he's ignoring you, maybe that's because he can't hear you. Have you tried intimidating him by firing a shotgun in the house? I tried that once with an intruder, and it worked fine. My sister's kid was a bit like yours. He wouldn't listen, he couldn't talk properly, he had trouble reading, couldn't write, she kept losing him in supermarkets. He was a real nightmare. It was especially weird considering he was 28 at the time. Just give him time, he might just be ignoring you.
There, that'll do for this week, I've definitely helped those youngsters. As I said last time, if you wrote to me and you're a bit sad that you weren't featured in this week's column, don't panic! You might appear next week. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message at the top of the comments under the article.
Who let the dogs out?
This is last part: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave enough to put their real face on FML.
This week, we're taking a look at ArcheryArtist. I don't what's going on here. Which one is ArcheryArtist? The red-headed nerd or the short ass whispering to her? I'm guessing it's the girl. Why is she talking to a bird? Is that your boyfriend? You do know that society frowns on that sort of thing, don't you. I'm guessing that bird is dead, or glued. Why do this? I'm not surprised the blinds are closed, you wouldn't want the rest of the street peering into your house and seeing what you get up to in your satanists lair. What sort of bird is that anyway? I'm sure it's got some stupid name like "Eric Estrada" or "God's Prophet the Third". Strange picture, you'll be attracting the wrong sort of attention with that. Is that what you want? "Look at me and my bird"? Is that code for the underground anonymous resistance to start overthrowing the government? God help us if there's a war.
That's my third column done. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young twits everywhere.
Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf