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Simon's Xmas illustrated FML

It's Christmas, yay! Gifts and stuff are done, put down your knives and forks, scraps of paper and ribbons, no need for any more shouting matches with family members. We are happy to have seen them, but it feels good when it all grinds to a halt and the pressure stops. You can’t choose your family, as someone said. Hope it went well on your side, because for us it was rather comical. I’d rather not to go into detail but let’s just say that it’s a bit blurry and our brains seem to have turned to mush. Our livers are going to feel like they are under attack for a few more days. And then we must do it all over again next Thursday! Speaking of livers, the Christmas special puts the emphasis on boozing. Check it out.

SIMON MITTEAULT'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I like it when it’s a friend's birthday, because I give them a drawing. It's cheap as gifts go"

Self-portrait Simon par Simon
 


This week, Simon is here for Christmas. This lovely young man already did an illustration for VDM, the French FML, but it's his first time on FML, so be gentle. 


His info:
Age: 32
Location: Bordeaux, France
Website: His blog or his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with Santa


Simon sent us an e-mail to remind us of his excellent work for us and to say he was ready and willing to do it again. Our cat-like reflexes made us jump at the chance so we gave him a big green light, because his talent is undeniable. He covers his comics with loads of text, and we love his style!

What we like about Simon’s work is the wordplay, the little details left, right and center on his comics. There are all funny, well thought out, and we always have a good time reading them. The examples in this article is as usual without any text in them, but go see on his blog what he does with words. Again, this proves that it is not enough to know how to draw nice comics, you must also have something to say. The stories, dialogue, all that is the core of comics. It's not all about being good looking, it must also say something interesting! Let's ask him some questions, but beware, he’s not very talkative. He’s much more talkative in his illustrations.

What do you do for a living then? "Drawings: comics, stories for kids, press cartoons, travel diaries..." We really do appreciate his blog here at FML, there's a little bit of a Reiser element in the way he draws, and he’s not afraid to call a spade a shovel. What? Isn’t that the expression?

And what do you like about what you do? What would you like for Christmas to help? "I like it when it’s a friend's birthday, because I can give them a drawing, it's cheap as gifts go. What I’d like? Some friends." I don’t mind being your friend, and you can give drawings anytime. My birthday is on the 10th of March. I’m just putting it out there, you never know. You people, reading this right now, get me lots of presents.

What's your educational background? "I did four years of studying at Tournai in Belgium (in St Luc and then at Art School) and then I went to Toulouse with friends to found the independent editions "Croc en Jambe", now based in Bordeaux. Speaking of which, we have a booth at the comic festival in Angoulême at end of January. Come along.” OK, yes, we will come. Angouleme, we love the place, its sandy beaches, its sunny climate all year round, its festival that every year brings together illustrators from all around the world to meet with booze from all around the world worldwide. I’m exaggerating a little, but my friend Ronald Grandpey also presents his work there, and knowing him, there must be a way to get tanked up there. 

What’s your news at the moment? "There's my book “Poil aux Zoreil" (Hairy Ears) that was recently published by the editor “Des bulles dans l’océan” (Some bubbles in the ocean) which is still a masterpiece. Other than that, I have two books I’m working on, ”Henry the Radish”, a children's story that’s really well written (by me) and crudely illustrated by another guy (Johann Guyot) and which will be available in early 2016. I also started creating "Stars of French TV” an amusing comic book about cringey TV presenters and TV shows. Apart from that, I started a little collaboration with the magazine Psikopat (which is beautiful, cheap, no adverts, sold everywhere)." We'll go out get it when we have gotten over the cheap plonk we drank during our Christmas meal. Promise. It’s not the best time to ask us to go do physical activity outside, we'll see about it later. Speaking of which, it’s truly a tragedy that McDonald's doesn’t deliver.

What made you want to draw, in the very beginning? "The magazine called Astrapi when I was 7 years old." Okay, short answer. Makes a difference from the usual answers like, "I've always loved drawing, ever since I was a foetus“ but it does lack detail. Are there many artists you admire and that you follow via their blog? "I'm in love with Tronchet but he hasn’t got a blog, the old fart." Ah yes, Tronchet, I love his stuff, especially for Jean-Pierre Tergal. A modern hero, who is a lot like all of us. Or is a lot like ME in particular.

What are your everyday pleasures in life? Your vices? "I have no vices, and even less passions, come on, have a little decency." Yeah, it's hard to believe all that. We know from his past illustration for VDM that he’s is a huge fan of the French game show host Julien Lepers, and he would really like his autograph (sorry, can’t help you there). The thing is, in France at the moment there’s a huge scandal because this Julien Lepers has been ousted from his game show host job for being… well, I don’t know, too old and not pretty enough I guess. So I’m not sure what Simon makes of this terrible situation but he must be pretty distraught.

So what about your favorite stuff in music, cinema, etc.? "I went to see Les Croquants (The Crunchers) in concert the other day and it was great. Other than that, I read "Z as in Don Diego" by Fabcaro and Wander, and it was even better."

And finally, do you have any advice for budding new artists? "Forget it, get out of here and run.” OK then, erm, we'll say that's a suggestion that isn’t without merit, but you aren’t obliged to consider it.

There, that's it for this week. Thank you to Simon for offering to do your second illustrated VDM, which is also your first illustrated FML, it was a pleasure to have you with us again. You can come back whenever you want. Next week is New Year’s Eve, and I do not know if there will be an illustration to publish. Probably, but next week will be tough for everyone! Until then, Merry Christmas, happy holidays and be excellent to each other!

How about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on contact@fmylife.com, not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your work.

#1565 - Illustrated FML - On 12/25/2015 at 3:15pm by Alan - 2 comments

Santa delivers!

Ho ho ho ! It's almost Christmas, we're just about to throw presents at each other, hoping that the boxes under the tree contain exactly what each of us was hoping for. Here at FML Towers, we've got quite a few gifts to give each other, mainly STIs, and we still have a childlike wonder in our eyes whenever Christmas is mentioned. We go crazy for decorations, flashing lights and big balls. Our offices look like someone covered them in glue and used them to ram-raid a mall. For us, it's a time to spread some joy and goodwill, and ingest large amounts of rich foods and poor-quality booze. To help us get into the spirit of things, not that we really need it, we got the most famous face of Christmas (when that Jesus guy isn't available), the actual Santa Claus to pop in and talk to us about the FMLs that we've received over the years. Stuff that hasn't been very nice about him and his life's work. Weird thing though, when speaking in English, Santa has a slight Turkish accent.

 

Aren't kids wonderful? OK, maybe not all of them, some can be right little twits. But you have to admit that the whole magic of Christmas can mainly be found in their eyes, and the way they look at shiny objects. A bit like cats, without the killings of innocent woodland creatures. There's only a few adults who buy into the whole Christmas spirit thing; you can probably count them using Django Reinhart's fingers, and it's a real shame. Then again, if kids are leaving the Christmas festivities at more and more younger ages, it's not necessarily anyone's fault. So Santa, what's this all about?

Today, my 8-year-old daughter was throwing a tantrum, and I said "Keep this up and I'll tell Santa to take your presents back." She told me I don't even know Santa, at which point I accidentally blurted that I'm "Santa". FML

"That's so sad, my friend. I can't really say that I blame the guy, it's tough raising kids. Especially kids that they didn't really want. I'll let you onto a little secret: I know each and every case on my route. It's gotten easier the years with the use of satellites and the whole global positioning system. My brand image and B2C strategy requires a lot of preparation, and most of my research is customer satisfaction survey-based. I have my sources, but I can't go into detail due to conflicts with the competition. Yes, I do have competition, but I stay at the top of my game thanks to tireless work. Anyway, this FML is pretty common. The guy is arguing with an 8-year-old. He's a grown man. What's his beef with life? I know. But I won't say anything, except… he drives a big truck. You know what I'm saying?"

Hmmm, yeah. Big trucks compensate for... Yeah. What about the letters? Do you get them all? Do they really work?

Today, my son told me the Christmas letter he wrote to Santa was a joke and he didn't want the stuff he asked for. I already bought everything. FML

"I often get asked this amusing question. Kids write to me in droves. All the time. Not just at Christmas. It's all year round, it's amazing. I can feel them, scribbling away, I don't even need to read their letters. My ISP is based on faith. These kids want to believe, just like the guy in that TV show, what was it? The X-Files, that's it. Anyway, this kid here is using a quick win process that his parents have totally bought, hook, line and sinker. He needs to know whether his parents actually know him, and what he really wants. It's quite clever. I applaud his use of parental reporting, parents need to be on the ball with their kids; get them what they need, not what they think they should need! I'll be keeping an eye on this family, but they do tend to listen to some very bad jazz records and fight about tofu steaks, so they're a bit lost. The kid should be alright, he's already smarter than his folks."

Let's get back to the awful things people sometimes write about you:

Today, I saw Santa. He gave me the finger. FML


"Nice, very nice…
 I always get represented as a fat bastard, or I'm portrayed by some out of work actors who spend their spare time smoking doobies and drinking fortified wine. Not that there's anything wrong with that, but do it on your own time. They make me out to be this bumbling buffoon. If I told you I ran the Spartan Race in 2013 incognito, you'd be amazed, right? Ho ho ho ! I guess I'm like that giant guy in the adverts, the one selling corn, I'm… reassuring. Oh, and I'd like to point out that the whole story about Coca Cola turning me from a green and white character into a red and white character is an urban myth. I dress myself, for myself. And besides, my red and white garb was mentioned in a poem long before Coca Cola did their hatchet job on me. Mother Christmas helps me out with product branding and decorating my sleigh, but the way I dress comes from a market study I did a while back, using a few focus groups and a double-blind scientific study of the likes and dislikes of 1500 people of all walks of life. The results were pretty convincing. The warmth of the red, added to the purity of the white scored high with high-income families, but was also the perfect mix for low-income neighbourhoods with regard to brand awareness and satisfaction. Maybe they were all commies at the time, who knows? Anyway, I digress. What was the question?"

I can't remember, the Eggnog has mashed my synapses. Let's move on to another FML where you're being badly misrepresented. Check this out:

Today, I took my younger sister to see Santa for a photo. Santa insisted that I was in the photo too. I wasn't sure why he made such a big deal about it until he groped me while the photo was being taken. FML

"See now, this is exactly why kids start to doubt my existence. Stuff like this goes on, and then I get it in the neck figuratively because some ding-dong with a hard on, pardon my French, has to go and spoil Christmas. Kids aren't idiots, they can sense when things aren't going well. This poor girl was felt up by some twit dressed as me, and the younger sister has now since moved on to hard drugs and prostitution. That's not true, I just wanted to wake you up from your Eggnog-induced stupor. She's actually fine, but stopped believing in Christmas that very same year. It's sad. My brand is being tainted by twits. My existence is bit like Jesus or the other guy I won't mention because I'm not insane. People can believe in me if they want, and if they stop, well, that's up to them. They made me, I exist as long as they have that belief. But I do exist. I'm sitting here in your office in a very snazzy Sergio Tacchini tracksuit and a pair of Doc Martens. How real can I be, son? I give and I give and I expect nothing in return. In that sense, I'm better than Jesus. Especially at soccer." 

Bon, on va vite changer de sujet, ça devient touchy. Niveau boulot, c'est comment ? Flux tendu, ou plutôt détendu ? Les enfants se posent également la question :

Today, I found out that if you whistle Christmas carols while shitting in a public bathroom, a little boy might just look under the stall to see if Santa is pooping. FML

"That's hilarious! That wasn't actually me, though. I would've burst out laughing. Children are very curious about life and stuff, that's what I love about them. They're not afraid to say, "I don't know" when asked a question. Adults forget that it's OK to not know something. People think I'm this mysterious, supernatural being, but I'm not, you know. I'm really not. I work all year round. I have to work hard to keep myself in the blue, and not flag behind. There's one day a year when I'm all the rage, but the rest of the year I do other stuff. In summer, I sell cold drinks on the beaches in New Jersey. In Autumn, I'm in England doing stand-up comedy. Sometimes I'll make clogs for the tourists in Holland. I also play soccer, and I always make sure that I sit when I'm peeing at friends' houses. I'm pretty down to Earth. I watch a lot of TV, too. My favourite shows are M*A*S*H* and Happy Days. Yeah, we mainly get reruns in our house." 

OK, Jersey Shore. Besides the cans and everything else, where does the money come from? Some of this stuff is expensive:

Today, I woke up to my kids shaking me, saying, "Get up, Santa was here!" I got up to find my TV, computer and MacBook Air all gone. FML

"See, sonny boy, people think all this is free. Call me a liar if you want, but my work is a carefully planned-out business model, which was rigorously tested and brainstormed during many sessions between me, the elves and a bunch of business angels. No, I can't tell you who they are for privacy reasons. Just know that none of this is taken from your income tax. I'm not a government official, or even an employee. It's all freelance work. It's not magic either. I'm not Penn or Teller. I don't have Claudia Schiffer in the back of my limo. Hey, don't print that, Mother Xmas is going to beat the crap out of me." 

Today, I accidentally knocked over a mall Santa on his way to meet some children. I've never had that many hate-filled eyes on me at once. FML

"Damn, got some Eggnog on my tracksuit. What was I saying? This story is sort of nice, because it shows that people do care about my brand, and that the Santa image is still scoring high with the general population, on an emotional level at least. In this case, even though it wasn't actually me… I tell a lie. Sometimes, I like to take on my own persona in malls around the world, usually in the bigger chain malls because those people are damned easy to fool… just kidding, guys! Anyway… I sign up for jobs when I've got a weekend break and I'll do the whole 'Take a photo with the fat dude' ritual, and people love it. It keeps me in touch with why I do what I do. Of course, sometimes I get to meet people who I wouldn't piss on if they were on fire, the sort who get their kids guns for Christmas, you know what I mean? I tend to avoid being cynical about people. It's the only way forward, really. An old guy giving out presents to children is more and more seen as a pervert paedophile than a nice person. I have to be colour-coded so parents don't freak out. If I was in my civvies, dressed like I am today, some crazy parent would be batting me over the head with a handbag. Even though I'm trying to be nice… The world hasn't gone crazy, it's not our fault, it's just that we listen to the wrong people. Media outlets cranking up the fear. Listen to your hearts, guys. If we stop doing that, that'll be biggest FML of all. Anyway, it's Christmas, and I'm happy to be able to join forces with the aforementioned FML team to wish you all a happy one. And who knows, maybe we'll bump into each other on the 24th, during the night! I've been told to say that you should all tell me in the comments what you would like for Christmas, the present(s) that would make you happy. I'll try my best, within reason of course!"
 


(as long as it doesn't have Minions on it, I HATE those fuckers)


Well well well, we couldn't put it any better. Thanks Santa for dropping in to see us here at FML Towers, and Merry Christmas everyone! Tell us all about your Christmas present wishes, your Christmasses, whatever you feel is relevant. We're here for you all Christmas long!

 

Santa is illustrated by Bénédicte, from Bloutouf

#1564 - About FMyLife - On 12/23/2015 at 11:29am by Alan - 26 comments

S-Kro's illustrated FML #2

So here it is, merry Christmas, everybody's having fun. Are you? Are you having fun? It's almost time for Christmas and the dreaded "family time", but there's still time to buy a plane ticket, a train ticket, or to rent a pedalo and get as far away as possible from the drama that's involved in seeing your family at Christmas. You all know what's going to happen. Uncle Charlie is going to say something blatantly racist, someone will mention a distant cousin who has become "a punk" (but she hasn't reall, she's just got a pair of torn jeans and a nose ring) and a fight will break out about the turkey being still frozen. Keep well away. We're just going to take some time out with a new illustrated FML. Murphy's Law you say? We know all about that on FML… 

S-KRO'S ILLUSTRATED FML #2

"Sometimes, it feels like the hero of the movie The Martian is really really lucky."

Self-portrait S-Kro by S-Kro
 


This week is the second installment of our love story, or friendship. We still not sure which. This is the series we’re trying out with S-Kro, who explains all things scientific in an easy to understand way.

His info:
Age: "35 according to my arteries, 17 according to my maturity."
Location: Internet
Website : His blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the jam


We do not know S-Kro’s real name. I think it's a pun, but I'm not sure. I ran into him during a conversation on Facebook, and I offered him to come and do something for us on FML and he agreed. He not only accepted, but he has also done several excellent illustrations, which we will progressively post these coming months! All have a common thread: the scientific explanation of the world around us, and in our case, an application to the stories contained on VDM. The idea is launched with an explanation of speed cameras and the way they work, which is so annoying for distracted or reckless motorists drivers. Yes, you know who you are. We've all been there. They speed is limited to 50 but without paying attention, we’ve ended up doing 110, the windows wide open, playing hardcore techno... Or is that just me?

Who is behind this nickname then, and what does he do? "Analyse things to solve stuff and give advice that in the end no one will pay any attention to.” I don’t know why, I immediately had in mind the image of a hamster on its wheel, constantly turning, going nowhere… And what does he need in life? “Drawing classes, but people will have quickly noticed that.” Erm, no, not particularly. Too modest, mate!

What do you enjoy in all of this? "In drawing, the feeling of creating stories and worlds is quite exhilarating, the sensation of leaving a trace at the bottom of humanity’s underpants. The creative process, which some psychoanalysts think allows us to fight against the anxiety of human beings confronting death and... well... it’s getting boring now, isn’t it?" Oh no no, not at all!

Where did you go to school and learn all this stuff? "I did my schooling quietly, maybe a bit too quietly. I worked just enough to get to the next level. If I’d had teachers (maths and science in particular) that had given me a taste for science, I would’ve been working in different areas. Let’s just say that my comics and my research have helped me catch up for lost time." We really need people who are able to explain things as clearly, these comics are a public service!

What are your plans? “Getting my comics “Clever things explained by an idiot” published. I’m also taking part in the fanzines belonging to my buddies Pinworms, Reuketeupeuh, El Guapo or Egoscopic, it’s a good laugh.” This is a great idea, getting the comics published, they’re really good. I especially liked the one about the guy growing a beard and getting asked if he was a hipster or a terrorist or dirty or any of that bullshit that I had to put up with last year when I started growing a beard out of sheer boredom. I went through exactly the same thing. So thanks!

What are your inspirations, is there someone, an event or something that made you want to get into illustration? "From my great grandfather to my father, I have always seen people draw or paint, I don’t think it helps to have a normal life and it explains a lot." And do you have heroes in life? "In the sense of exemplary characters, I would say guys like Nikola Tesla, Richard Feynman or as Stephen Hawking, but he’s crap at basketball." Claaaaaassy!

Tell us what you love in life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little pleasures of everyday life. "My hobby is drawing, reading boring stuff and less boring stuff, my friends, my sweetheart ... and farting in my bath." Ah, taking a bath. I miss that. I only have a shower at home. How lucky. Uh, well, yes, and how about your taste in music, books and comics, what you do you love right now? "If I had to keep a book, only one, it would be “A short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson. For comics, I read so much that it's hard to make a choice, especially since there's some of my friends in the comics, if I forget any of them, they’ll sulk." Yes, you’d better not then. But even so, let’s try to see if there are some artists whose blogs you check out regularly, just in case. So? "I don’t have time to visit blogs, there’s too many. But the artists who influenced me the most would be Maester and the late Coyote. I love Mo CDM, Eric Powell, Scott McFarlane too, to name but a few, the list would be very long otherwise."

A personal FML perhaps? "Once I was with a buddy and there was this girl I wanted to hook up with. I don’t know why but on TV there was a report about the lack of space in apartments when you’re in a wheelchair. I had this very drunken guy observation  and I said something like: "I don’t see what the problem is, if you fold them up with the chair, that won’t take up much space." She stood up and left the room and then I learned that her father was in a wheelchair..." My theory is that the way to test future-ex partners to see if it’ll work out is their potential to warm to our shitty sense of humour. She, sadly, didn’t make the cut. You didn’t miss out on anything.

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Don’t do it, you poor unfortunate soul!”

Right, that will do for this week! Thanks S-Kro thanks for taking part again. We’ll see him again in about a month with another illustration. I can’t tell you what week it will be, it’ll be another surprise. In the meantime, I’ll leave you with cats looking for each other and a dancing baby. See you next week!

How about you? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on contact@fmylife.com, not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1563 - Illustrated FML - On 12/17/2015 at 11:17am by Alan - 4 comments

FML's Question Time #6: What are you doing for New Year's?

We have a winner ! The votes are in, and the book goes to littlekellilee and her comment telling the story of how she's going to get her gamer tit of a boyfriend to notice her. Seriously, kick him in the chair from us!
Enjoy the holidays everyone, if you're getting any time off or spending time far away from family drama! We know we are.

------------

It's nearly Christmas, and everyone is pretending to be working hard. Yes, even us here at FML. It's time once again to have a crack at answering a question that seems to be on everyone's lips at the moment. One which is a never ending source of stress for a large part of the population. "What are we going to do?" they cry. We know. We're all in the same boat. So what's the question ? Here we go.

The idea behind this part of FML:  we ask you a question, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with stories or something you overheard while having your teeth cleaned by a lady in dirty smock. What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and comments. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves and get stuck in.

This time around: 


Are New Year's Eve's parties always cringefests ? 
Or are they a fantastic way to kick off the New Year?

 


What we want to know is what you have planned for New Year's Eve. And what you'd like to be doing instead. Tell us about the best ones, but mainly the worst ones you've been to. Are parties that rely on dates, and calendar changes always less fun than parties that are thrown together at the last-minute? Have you spent ages planning a NYE party, only for it to be totally anticlimactic? Or have you had the opposite happen to you? So, there you go, what do you think we can expect at the end of the month? 

This month, as last month, and as it's Christmas, to make things interesting, we're adding a prize for the best story told!

The best story wins an FML book (the winner will be evaluated on the amount of thumbs up + our totally arbitrary judgement). Tell us the story of your New Year's Eve party that went wrong. Or went wrong, but then went right. But it has to be true. The best story will be sent a book, to help you enjoy the New Year with us in mind. Keep in mind that it'll be based on all sorts of arbitrary factors like spelling, votes from the other users, length, girth, sturdiness. You know the sort of thing we like. 



 

 

Like before, to start you off, we've asked a few people what they thought about the whole thing. 

"In space, NYE is too much of an abstract concept. It depends what planet I'm on. And I smoke so much Mary Jane, I hardly know which planet I come from, dude." - Darth Vador

"New Year's Eve is just another example of the way the patriarchy is trying to impose onto women a way to dress, I mean, come on, I'm not putting on a dress that sparkles just to impress people or because I need to buy a new calendar for my kitchen." - My next-door neighbour, the sociology student

"I love New Year's Eve, but I've been told that this year it's on Friday the 13th so I'm a bit worried." - Nicki Minaj


There, you get the idea. 

Tell us anything, but tell it from your heart. OK, that sounded crap. Just tell us what you think and what New Year's Eve means to you. Get on with it! Work can wait 'til Monday, procrastinate a little.

#1562 - About FMyLife - On 12/17/2015 at 3:46am by Alan - 102 comments

Auntie Bernie's Monthly Advice #3

Greetings my young friends! It's another one of my little advice columns. Yes, I've been reading through your lovely little letters, and pissing my panties at your poor spelling, atrocious grammar, and the frankly pathetic little problems you have. Only joking. Or am I? I'm here to set you young nitwits on the straight and narrow, because it seems that you've strayed onto some sort of whiny pathway that can only lead to bad music and bad alcohol. Yes, I was once like you, young and naive. I thought that love was the answer, and that by crying into my pillow because the person I thought I loved hadn't spoken to me for a week, I would feel better. But I never did. Then one day, I'd had enough, I booted life in the crotch and stood up for myself. Now I'm old and grey, and I can safely say that I never took shit from anyone, man, woman or mineral. The best friend I've ever had is my dog, Maurice. So let's stop being annoying, let's grin and bear it, because this whole "woe is me" shtick is getting on my tits. On with the show.

How does this work: You were asked if you had any problems, whether of the heart, the penis, the tits or any other organ that evolution gave you (don't start). I'd read them from the comfort of my armchair, and spit out whatever advice I'd deem necessary. I dictate my stuff to a young man from FML who is quite incompetent and who seems to trip over his own shadow, but you can't get decent staff these days so I'm stuck with him. I don't do one-to-one sessions, I don't have a couch or a notepad to listen to each and every one of you, you'll have to glean whatever information you can from each month's replies. Or go to one of those expensive therapists, who'll nod and go, "Hmmmm" while counting their money.


The therapist is the one with the pen, the patient is the one protecting his knob.


I've been reading your complaints. Someone asked how "young" I was. Are you an idiot? It's in my profile, or so I'm told. To write to me, you have to click on my profile, so it's written right there. Is this what it's come to, people asking me to give them answers which are already displayed on the FML website-thing? Just in case people are wondering, the moon isn't made of cheese and Elvis is dead. Anyway, let's get to it. Please remember that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and understood what they were getting into.
 

I'm just a John Lennon song


Our first question of the week is an anonymous one:

"Hey Aunt Bernie. If you don't mind, I'd like to stay anonymous. Anyways, I need some help. I am unbelievably jealous of my boyfriend, and I need to stop feeling this way. How do I just stop? Thanks."

Jealousy is so unhealthy. And ugly. It's the quickest way to make someone run for the hills. The poor guy has probably done nothing to deserve it, so chill out. The thing you have to remember about jealous people is that they only think that way because they're projecting onto other people what they themselves are capable of. For instance, if you think he's going to cheat on you, take a long hard look in the mirror. Trust is what you need. I'm not blaming you, maybe you've been hurt before, maybe you pick people who comfort your opinion of relationships. Maybe you're just jealous of his drumming abilities or his shoes, and I've misunderstood the question. How do you "just stop"? You can't. It's an insecurity issue. Love yourself more instead of worrying if he's loving someone else.
 

Dream Baby Dream


Zharks1010 needs to know more about getting parents to listen:

"Hey Auntie Bernie, I really want to become an author when I grow up, but my parents said that they won't accept me as their child if I don't go to medical school and become a doctor. Any help here? Thanks"

Parents are idiots. There, I said it. They all want the best for their kids, they really do, but they always screw their kids' heads up. I might have quoted the Philip Larkin poem before, but I'm going to quote it again:

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
  They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
  And add some extra, just for you.

That said, not all dreams are meant to be followed. You might turn out to be a terrible author. But that's not for your parents to decide. It's less dangerous for you to become an author and be terrible, than for you to go to medical school and be a terrible doctor. At least when you're an author, the only people you can kill are fictional. So don't panic, wait til you're 18 and tell your parents where to stick their opinions. Write a book about them.

 

Mr Perfect


PeppermintPenny is in quandary:

"Hi aunt Bernie, 
I have a huge crush on this guy who lives on the same floor as me. He's amazing. Tall, nice, talented, funny and really good looking. He plays guitar, sings, plays basketball and speaks like 4 different languages. The whole package. Meanwhile I barely have any hobbies or talents. I feel like I can't keep up. I've never even kissed a guy, let alone had a relationship, and next to him I feel plain. I want him to like me, I've texted him a few times and he doesn't seem that interested. I wanna be more interesting, but I really don't want to change in order to get him to like me because that would feel like play pretend and wouldn't be fair to the both of us. I don't know what to do and I fear now, that I'll be uninteresting forever and for everyone. I want him so much, but I don't really feel worthy of him. What can I do?"

Wow, how big is the pedestal you've built for this guy? It seems like it's higher than the sun. The thing about having a crush on someone is that it the sunlight blinds you to their flaws. Yeah, he plays guitar, but he only knows that shitty song about Mrs Brown's lovely daughter, and he can't sing. He can speak 4 languages you say? One of those is Klingon. I'm guessing that the "whole package" here is that he's really good looking and that he's not paying any attention to you. You, on the other hand, are underestimating yourself. "Oh, I'm plain, I'm boring, I have no interests!" What are you blathering about? You must have SOME interests. You're not in a coma. You can talk. You can form thoughts. But you're right about one thing: you don't have to change. And another thing: you don't HAVE to have a relationship with this guy. Just because you have a crush doesn't mean it has to happen. Sometimes, it's not meant to be. You're not comfortable around this guy, he makes you feel inadequate. Hardly the start of a great relationship now, is it? Find someone who makes you feel special, not plain. Get out there instead of drooling over the next door neighbor. For all you know, he pisses on the toilet seat and he's a closet racist.


Crushed


Remometol is hesitating: 

"Hi, I need your help, or I probably won't be writing this. I'm in one of those "confess and risk breaking the friendship" problems: my crush of 2 years (don't judge) is moving to a different country in a few weeks. She's a good friend, but I'm not in the friend zone. We've had good times and bad times, and were even in a relationship for a month, so on one hand I don't want to ruin our friendship by saying I like her, and on the other hand I don't want to waste my chance. She'll be back next year, but I think that my chances will get lower and lower if I wait. I'm ready to have a long distance relationship with her if it comes to that. We're both 18 and studying now, and she's one of the people I respect the most (you're above her on the list, naturally) so I want to stay in touch."

Oh dear, another "friendzone" reference. What is it with you young people and this mystical "friendzone"? It doesn't exist. It's just a buzzword. You're either friends or you're not. You can't pretend to be friends with a girl, hoping to get your penis inside her vagina just because you're nice to her. The attraction is either there or it isn't. The people who talk about "friendzones" are always doing so in the context of people who are totally out of their league. Sorry, but it's true. In my heyday, I was no catch. On my better days, I looked like a biker chick and I was fine with that. But I had no pretence of going after the captain of the football team (then again, I hated jocks), because we weren't on the same level of hotness. These young guys, complaining about being "friendzoned", it's always young twits harping on about cute young things who are way hotter than they are. Get real, guys. As for you, Remometol, you've had a relationship with this girl for a month after crushing on her for TWO YEARS. She's moving to A DIFFERENT COUNTRY, I mean, come on, just be a good friend and be supportive and stop thinking about trying to poon her. Keep in touch, stop trying to touch her keep. Move on, find a girl who actually fancies the pants off you. You tit.
 

My sister


Last question from ProximityToDeath, who is concerned about her sister

"Dear Auntie Bernie, 
I am so lost when it comes to my older sister and I don't know what to do. She just turned 18 and has been constantly throwing me under the bus in favour of her boyfriend. She makes promises to help me and then the next second she is blowing me off to spend time with him instead; even when it came to my birthday. I know people change and grow, but I can't count on her for anything anymore. What do I do?"


Hang on. You're complaining about your sister hanging out with her boyfriend instead of you? What is this, some sort of Greek tragedy? Is there something missing from this story? I'm reading between the lines here but... I don't understand the problem, because that's what happens when you're young. You have boyfriends and girlfriends, and family takes a backseat. Well, not literally, that would be weird. Although, the way you put it, it almost seems like you WANT to be in the backseat. Just let her get on with it, find yourself your own love life and have some fun!
 

There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article. 


Who let the dogs out?
 

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to other people (In doubt? Google reverse image search) and claim "That's me!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.

This week, we're taking a look at dramaelf. This is definitely the new look for this winter. In 2016, everyone will be wearing gas masks in their profile pictures or in the supermarkets. I think I still have mine from when I went to protest against the Vietnam war. Or was it when I was into weird stuff in Berlin? Anyway, the double Vs are a cultural thing, they're either a British "Fuck you, you wankers" (which I learned during my time following Pink Floyd around) or they're one of these poses that are gang-influenced but don't actually mean anything, besides "I don't know what to do with my hands when a camera is pointed at me, help!" I'm going with the second possibility, because that jacket would never be worn by someone who listens to decent music. And the less said about the nail varnish, the better.

 

That's my third monthly column over with. I hope you liked it. Or hated it. Either way, come back next month, maybe you'll be featured if you've written to me. Maybe just write if you want to be featured as the profile picture person. Makes no difference. In any case, don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young twits of FML.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1556 - About FMyLife - On 12/07/2015 at 11:36am by Auntie Bernie - 19 comments