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Illustrated FML (264) - About FMyLife (35) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (14) - Books (9) - Competitions (6) - Special guests (6)

Tom Cochien's Illustrated FML

It's Friday again, and all week we've had the Easybeats' song on our mind. So here we go, time to kick off our platform shoes, lie down on the couch, turn on the TV, watch some Seinfeld re-reruns and imagine a time when life wasn't so complicated, and people weren't so jaded. Sorry, I wasn't talking about you guys, you get jokes, right? We're all friends here, we can speak candidly, so let's welcome this week's artist and start the show.

TOM COCHIEN'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"My hero is Angus McGyver, his wisdom, intelligence and humour embodied under a mullet and a bomber jacket."

Self-portrait Tom by Cochien

When I started writing these articles, I didn't know much about cartoons, drawing or art in general. But I do know what makes me laugh. I'm British, so I do have a certain sense of humour. A decent or shitty one, depending on where you're standing. As for cartoonists and comics, I was aware of the work of the mysterious Pierre la Police. No one knows who he (or she?) is, but his work has made me giggle for years, so when I came across this week's artist's work, I seemed to recognise a certain kinship between them, so I contacted him to offer him a spot, and he said yes and did this for us!

So, who is this dude? His name is Tom Cochien, he's from the south of France and he's 23. He's got a blog, a website, and you can even find him on Soundcloud under the moniker Koshrimp. He's a student, "supposedly learning how extract what's in my head onto 50x65 sheets of paper". He also works in a school as a monitor, "a job that consists of try to resolve conflicts between packs of enraged children at lunchtime in a primary school". He also has an interesting explanation of why he draws: "I can't really say that I like to eat, sleep or breathe, I just need to. Drawing is the same." He recently created a poster for the town of Aix in France, as well as illustrations for several books, "which should show up very soon! I'll talk about them on my blog. And every month there's my comic strip series 'In the primary school where I work" on 30joursdebd." His projects include "a story which includes supermarket aisles, a man with a balloon head, a cult and... I've already said too much. Watch this space." OK, we'll be here, especially since I often feel like a man with a balloon for a head.
Humour-wise, his work is somewhere between real life (with the stories taken from his job at school), but also sometimes flirt with surrealism and the absurd. This sort of humour is sometimes difficult for some people, who have a hard time understanding what's so funny about it. Too much hard work, you have to get your brain into gear. That or you just have to be twisted and damaged. A bit like a radio station you need to tune into by twiddling the knob with great care, Tom broadcasts his humour on his own personal frequency. I have the same problem with my own brand of jokes, if you can call them that. Sometimes I'll post a comment or an article poking gentle fun at shitty bands or mocking someone for not thinking things through, and I'll get death threats from some loons who totally missed the point and who haven't laughed at anything since 1998. I guess everything is subjective, so let's forget about it, otherwise I'll start crying again.

Tom studied to be a librairian, but preferred to switch and fill up books with his own stuff rather than lending books out. His inspirations include Winschluss, Cha, Hergé, Hugo Pratt, IAM, The Cure, Gorillaz, Edgar Allan Poe, Patrick Baud, "and music with booming bass and loads of reverb." I can dig that. He also mentions the TV show Black Mirror, which I recommend also, Charlie Brooker rules.

What about everyday stuff he likes? "My morning shower, drawing, watching weird horror movies, answering questionnaires, checking out obscure Estonian doom-sludge-occult bands on the Internet, drinking coffee and procrastinating." I'm still stuck on the last one. And maybe doom-sludge, with SunnO))).

To finish off the interview, what would his own FML be? "Today, I work in a primary school and all the kids call me Harry Potter. FML" Weird, a lot of people would consider that to be awesome. Anyway, thank you Tom for taking part. Everyone, remember to check out his illustrated FML, we'll certainly tune in to follow your carreer progression. Any last words before we go? "I've tried to become friends with the cockroaches but I guess they're still a phobia of mine." OK then. Same here. See you all next week!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

 

#1452 - Illustrated FML - On 05/23/2014 at 3:36am by Alan - 2 comments

Sev's Illustrated FML

It's the weekend again, and this time, the illustrations section is coming all the way from the countryside. Yes, FML is knee-deep in forests, animals, animal dung, and we think we might have spotted some of Bambi's relatives trying to steal our hub caps. Anywaaaaay, let's check out this week's illustrator, who's not trying to steal anything besides our hearts and minds.

SÉV'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I've got an idea for a book for kids... floating around in my brain... but nothing concrete..."

Self-portrait Sév' by La Grande Nouvelle

This week, we're welcoming Séverine, AKA Sév, who also goes by the same "La Grande Nouvelle". This in French means either "the tall new girl" or "the big news". You can understand that, at first, when she wrote to us to offer to illustrate an FML, I thought it was a subset of the Jehovah's witness dudes back to talk about that dude on the cross or whatever it is they like to talk about. But no, she's a lady from Toulouse, France. I used to live there, but there's no favoritism at play here, I only just found out when asking pressing questions like a mad Columbo. She'll be 40 soon: "Big party happening in June. If my neighbors are reading this, I have to warn them: we'll be making some noise!" Good, we'll be there.

She's a freelance artistic director; I'm not sure what that means, but her current activity is "launching my blogs. Speaking of which, how do all the others bloggers get loads of happy people to read theirs?" Well, an article and an illustration on FML is a good start. She has a blog here, and a Tumblr here. Have a look, go on, do it, do it now.
She also has two children, but we can't really find fault with that, to each their own. Oh, but there's something that I can't let slide. She says she likes the music of Shaka Ponk. Now, to an audience outside of France, this name probably doesn't mean anything, but check them out if you need cheering up. Bad English accents, shite music, over-complicated-we're-so-kooky song titles. I hate them more than my ongoing itchy crotch rash.

As with a lot of illustrators, Sev' says she lacks time to do what she wants to do, but with two kids to deal with, it's understandable. "I REALLY like my job. My kids think I have fun all day with my electronic drawing pad, which is kind of true... I like images, colors, I like having an idea per second, doodling, things that go fast..."
I have to admit that during my badly thought out illustrator's career, I liked the idea of being able to quickly doodle a joke or something I'd just thought of. Sev's thirst for doodles comes from the same sort of place: "It's quite recent. I've always drawn for my job but the idea for my blog came from a weekend away with friends where we played Taboo, and I thought to myself that I could draw all the silly moments in life and make something funny, and it would force me to get better at it, to produce stuff, to draw. I still haven't found my 'style' yet." I think she's getting there, because we wouldn't have followed up when she wrote to us if she didn't have that certain 'something'.

So, what does she like, besides that awful band? "I love my husband!" I should bloody well hope so! "I like to party, very big parties!" Well, she certainly did the right thing by moving to Toulouse, then. "My passion, even though I've sort of stopped for a couple of years, is improvisation. I was part of the amateur league." She also admits that her vices include M&M's and Ben & Jerry's Cookie Dough ice cream, but that's true of most people. She mentions the pleasure she gets from "kissing her kids goodnight, with rituals like the rock, the helicopter, the ripping of the blankie, etc., and being able to share truly funny moments so long as their childhood allows it." She also hopes to draw them as they grow up. So watch this space. Speaking of spaces, she speaks highly of our friend Pénélope, Margaux Motin and Mary Gribouille.

To end the interview, what would her FML be? "Recently, my son had 10 friends over for his birthday. We were all outside with some of the parents who had stayed for a drink, when one of them wanted to leave... Except that one of the kids had shut the bay windows from the inside, meaning that there was 15 of us outside waiting for a locksmith. Who arrived an hour later. All the while, the kids asking, "When do we get the cake?" Argh. Whoever did it never owned up. Little shits."

This is why I'll never have any children. That, and the fact that I can't get any action due to the fact that I'm useless at seducing women, with my penguin waddle and shite jokes. I leave all that to the specialists. Anyway, thank you Sev' for everything, I can live my life by proxy! Here at FML, we thank you for your illustrated FML. Next week we'll be receiving someone else. Until then, enjoy your weekend. Try not to be too sad about the cancelation of Legit, even though it was a great show. Here's Jim Jeffries on drinking, but try not to overdo it tonight. Ciao.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1451 - Illustrated FML - On 05/15/2014 at 11:48am by Alan - 18 comments

Missbean's Illustrated FML

Hello, and welcome to the show. This week, we'll be looking at ways to improve your sex life! Click on this link to quickly out how to make your schlong work overtime, or how to make your hips tell the honest truth like Shakira's. Right, now that's done, people might've clicked on this thing thanks to the all encompassing draw of the marketing world's titillation machine, so we can get on with the actual article. Illustration time!

MISSBEAN'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"At one time, people said my work looked like the Rugrats cartoons and it would annoy me, but now I don't care."

Self-portrait Missbean by Marie

Missbean is her name, and gardening isn't her game. No, it's illustration. She's been on FML and VDM (the mothership site) for as long as it's been around. She's illustrated all sorts of stuff for us, stories, books, diaries... Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning, I wonder if my life is a Missbean drawing, then the cat moans at me for more cat biscuits and I realize it was just a dream-slash-nightmare-slash-alcohol-induced paranoid delusion.


Anyway, this week, she's sent us an illustrated FML all about hamsters.
I've never understood why anyone would want to keep a hamster as a pet. They're quite low maintenance and die pretty quickly, so I guess that's a good reason. Cats and dogs demand more of an investment. Kids require even more of an investment, but some scientists are now saying that kids and pets are different categories. Can't see it myself, but hey, what do I know?

Missbean's real name is Marie, she comes from France, and she has a website on which you can check out her work as well as buy some books. Yes, she's a published author; you can buy her comic books on Amazon and everything. She used to get annoyed when people compared her drawings to the Rugrats, but that was a long time ago, and she doesn't care anymore.


She doesn't have any current projects, besides raising her children.
I was only joking with the whole pets thing, Marie, I swear. Maybe she'll be like Bénédicte from a few weeks back, who gets a lot of her inspiration from the antics of her son. We can only hope so!

She's welcome to check whenever she likes, and can send us an illustrated FML whenever she wants. The one she did for us this week is very cute, and probably the greatest fear of most hamster owners. The sort of thing that would never happen to a bull terrier's owner. Unless you had one of those industrial-sized hoovers that can suck time back into the matrix. So, erm, thanks Marie/Missbean, you are as big a part of FML/VDM as the letter M.

Next week, we'll be welcoming someone else, we don't know who yet. Anyone can have a go, just read the blurb at the bottom! Until then, I'll be off sunning myself on my yacht in the Bahamas with Raymond, listening to some old reggae and drinking a fancy drink with a paper umbrella stuck in it. Take care, and be excellent to each other.
 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1450 - Illustrated FML - On 05/09/2014 at 8:04am by Alan - 4 comments

The Best of the Worst #5

It's time! It's the beginning of the month, which means it's about time we had a look at the darkest recesses of the FML submissions page once more. This is installment number 5. Yep, we've had so many batshit submissions that we could probably keep this blog page going for another... Well, let's just say it could on for a very long time. Without further ado, let's meet this week's selection.

As we've said before, anyone can submit an FML anonymously. You can enter anything, tell your story, and no one can trace it back to you. Whatever embarrassing story has happened to you, you can get it off your chest without fear of reprisals or direct contact with laughter. Unfortunately, some people will do anything to get posted on FML, and will either make stuff up, bash the keyboard with their schlongs or just ramble incoherently about whatever is going through their heads. Here's another selection of what seems to be all three. We hope you enjoy them.

 

Ceremony

Today i was told i can give off any more spem from a incodent that happenabout a week ago for a joke my very drunk friends attached a car battery to my balls while i was passed out i woke up screaming and i went to the hospital i can’t have babies for a ver long while maybe never. FML

 

Thieves like us

Today, I stared at the clouds and they didn’t form anything. Maybe because It was just a picture.

 

Blue Monday

Today, I ate Vaseline. FML

 

Age of consent

Today, while I was in my cubical working on my Computer, THE SUPER SEXY GIRL from the accounts department came to get something. She bend over to pick up the file she dropped and farts right on my face and leaves without even a sorry. Now my face smells of her Fart, I Think! FML

 

Leave me alone

So ur with ur honey and yur making out wen the phone rigns. U anser it n the vioce is “wut r u doing wit my daughter?” U tell ur girl n she say “my dad is ded”. THEN WHO WAS PHONE?

 

Bizarre love triangle

Today, I found what appeared to be cobwebs in my vagina. FML

 

Everything's gone green

One day I was in church. I thought blowing gas in church would offend god. So I waited until later and visited the conffesion booth and blew my cheeck apart in the lords face and made him pass out.

 

Confusion

Today, i went to the zoo by MYSELF. Im 28. FML.

 

Mesh

Today I discovered that my mom has 4 inch pubes. FML

 

Mr Disco

Today , we had a school field trip . I was having a great day and it was pretty fun . Finally , we came to a building with mirrors as the flooring . Im penecostal . FML

 

That's it for this month. Next month we'll be back with some more insanity and desperation. We hope you enjoyed reading them as much we liked trawling through the back catalogue looking for them. Don't try sending in your own, these are all compiled from the beginning of the website, so to all you clever people who've tried sending in stuff aimed at this page: Don't bother ! Until next time, be excellent to each other and eat your greens.

 

 

Bonus not-really-hidden, probably made-up track:

 

The perfect kiss

I was taking a hike through the woods wen i was attacked by a homosexual bear named Carlos from Mexico. He raped me for 3 hours and then made me suckk his c0ck. Then i got shot by DIck CHeney in THE FACE. He said i look like a DEAR??? WTF! UGh! FML!!!!!

#1449 - About FMyLife - On 05/05/2014 at 2:03am by Alan - 98 comments

Marie-Lys's Illustrated FML

Most of time, we have to go out looking for the people who illustrate the FMLs, but sometimes we get offers, out of the blue. This is one such case. Not every offer is a good one. More often than not, we’ll get something that looks like it was drawn by someone with… issues. But kudos to them for actually trying, to put it diplomatically. Sometimes, you just have to ask for happiness. Well, not to strangers in the street, I’ve tried that and it can hurt.

 

MARIE-LYS'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"It’s not because we’re artists that we should be sleeping underneath bridges and eating little tiny pebbles!"

Self-portrait Marie-Lys by Marie-Lys

So, how is everyone doing? It’s the weekend again, time to put some comfy clothes on and indulge in your favorite hobby. What’s yours? Drinking heavily and falling over? Watching Grey’s Anatomy in yellowing sweatpants? Personally, I’m getting over a work injury. Working for FML is dangerous business. To get over the pain, I’m knocked out on medication and I’m trying my hand at drawing to see if my talent is growing in stature. As you can see, it’s not. I’m going to leave it to the pros, or those who know what they’re doing.

This week, we’re welcoming the quite charming Marie-Lys, whose good mood in quite infectious. She comes from Lyon in France. She’s 25, her illustrated FML is here, and her blog is there. Her style is located somewhere amongst the translations of life: “I translate life all the time into drawings in my head, and I like to share these translations around me to make people laugh, or to touch them.” Great initiative. Makes a change from people who want to spread their hate (I’m not thinking of anyone specific, except you, you know who you are).

She seems to have a healthy and full life: “Music, mountain walks, rock climbing, I sleep sometimes, I eat pizza a lot, I laugh a lot and I draw sometimes.” She’s way too healthy, it seems odd. She must have some hidden vices. What about her projects, any plans to get away with the perfect murder? A closet Black Eyed Peas fan? “I want to live from my passion ! Get people in a good mood ! And go parasailing solo, but that’s got nothing to do with anything…” OK, this girl is nuts. Or just normal. Maybe not, she says she likes “crumbled up ginger biscuits covered with home-made apple sauce”. Now we’re getting somewhere, that’s a sign that something’s not quite right inside her mind.

She claims that illustrators need to be recognized as having a real profession: “It’s not because we’re artists that we should be sleeping underneath bridges and eating little tiny pebbles!” I thought that that was what all illustrators did, isn’t that the people I usually see under bridges? Isn’t that what that shit Red Hot Chili Peppers song was about? She has training as an architect, worked for a couple of years in an agency before being downsized “which allowed me to bounce back towards doing something I like even more.” Good. It’s ideal for her, because it allows her to draw anywhere, “On a trip, in the middle of nowhere, especially complicated situations (standing in the rain, in an SUV on bumpy roads, in the middle of a crowd…).”

She enjoys simple things in life, “drinking a beer on a balcony, camping in the wild, hitchhiking, wild and free. I like being told stories, learning new things every day, eating a slice of bread covered in mayonnaise at 3 in the morning, picking up chestnuts in autumn, making out shapes in the clouds, and laughing for no reason !”

She must get into scrapes and pickles though? Bad things must happen to her, surely? Her own FML would be what? “Today, even though I go once every two years, I asked my hairdresser to give me some highlights. Three hours later, I exited with red hair, a Charles Ingalls mullet, my lungs swimming in ammonia and an astronomical bill. FML” Oh and she does have a phobia, the sound of a fork being dragged against a metal saucepan. I can only agree.

It’s on that note that we’ll leave Marie-Lys, and thank her for her kindness, good vibes and her illustrated FML. We wish her well on her journey through life, because it’s refreshing to meet people with such a positive outlook. I’m not used to it. I need to go lie down now. Next week we’ll be welcoming someone else, I’m not sure who yet, but don’t hesitate, if you want to draw an FML for us, instructions at the bottom of the page. Until then, listen to this and be excellent to each other.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1448 - Illustrated FML - On 05/02/2014 at 5:17am by Alan - 5 comments


Korrig'Anne's illustrated FML

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Friday 19 September 2014

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