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The Best of the Worst #22

It's March, it's Friday, it's the perfect time to post another Best of the Worst! As usual, we've trawled through the dross, and prepared a bunch of posts from the bottom of the FML mailbag that are bound to make you look confused like a dog being showed a card trick, due to the fact that they probably written using this method. Let's get on with it.

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are awful. Amongst those, we also get sent very odd stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection!
 

It's natural 

I picked my nose and tried to flick a booger off of my finger, and it landed between the keys of my laptop. I tried to get it out, and it fell beneath the keys. There’s a booger stuck in my computer. FML.

Humblebrag

Today, the girl who I slept with last night took pictures of me while I slept and posted them on social media stating “New BF!!!!! He has the biggest dick ever!!!!!” I now have to go around campus explaining to people that only half of that is true, I don’t even remember her name, FML


The Elephant Man

Today, I found out I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life because of my wanking technique during my bodies development. FML


OK YOLO LOL

Hello, i am a daily NGU user, and i didnt get sect FML.


Bitchin' dialogue

Today I asked mym “ye little byatch, you trynna suck dis dick”, and she said “you on your period ya little bitch?” FML


In the mood

Today, my teacher kicked me out of the classroom for not being in the mood for hot chocolate. FML


That's bananas!

Today, while drinking APPLE JUICE and listening to the radio an announcement came on saying how drinking APPLE JUICE can cause cancer, my dad just bought a case of it and now I’m scared to drink it

 

Oh no

Boner Achieved and there was a fat kid.


The rubbening

Today, Today while rubbening My wife i accedently screem het you like That bitch as u screamed to an whore last friday! It ended up with divorce papers! :)

That's it for this month. We'll be back next month for some more weird FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: More proof that that God is real.
 

He is on FML

Want to go to heaven God knows you read this You have 50 seconds to repost this.

#1579 - About FMyLife - On 03/18/2016 at 6:32am by Alan - 54 comments

Saint Patrick's Day comes to FML!

 

Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day! To celebrate this day, as well as its country of origin, we've selected a few FMLs (and translated some VDMs, from the French website) about Ireland, the Irish and drunken celebrations as a whole. 

Here are those few fun and sometimes intoxicated stories, all relating to this special day. First of all, let's go check out Ireland: 

Today, a group of wild Irish students absolutely insisted on taking a selfie with me, to prove to their friends back home that here in France, they also celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. I'm just a garbageman, dressed in regulation green overalls. FML

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

Today, during a school trip to Ireland, I tried taking a souvenir picture of a sheep wearing my sunglasses. So, if you ever see a sheep running past with sunglasses on, they're mine. FML 

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

Today, an American lady here in Ireland asked me if I was a Leprechaun. Thinking she was joking, and me being quite "vertically challenged," I decided to just say yes. She then grabbed me and made me endure photographs, cuddles and pats on the head from all her fellow tourists. FML

What would Saint Patrick's Day be without a nice cold beer. Or some whiskey. And maybe another beer. While you're at it, get me two more whiskeys. Some more beer? Sure, pour it on.  

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

For today, you are allowed just this once to dress in green, dye your hair ginger and make the most of the industrial breweries. Not that all Irish people are drunken redheads. Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

#1578 - About FMyLife - On 03/17/2016 at 2:17am by Alan - 12 comments

Bénédicte Moret's illustrated FML

Hello everyone! We got new questions, all half-stolen from the questionnaire Bernard Pivot used to ask his guests (and that was used by 'Inside the Actor's Studio' later on), more new illustrations, because as Scorpions sang, the winds of change are around us. In a short while, new things are going to appear, but I'm sworn to secrecy by the medical practioners code, the Hypocratic oath. Damn, I did mention them. Anyway, this week it's all about the environment with Bénédicte. Which is a good thing, because I seem to be hell bent on destroying the planet by leaving bits of crap here and there. That's what she tells me, anyway. Let's have a look. 

BÉNÉDICTE MORET'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I don't know what else to say. Have you got any stock questions?"

Self portrait Béné by Bloutouf
 

This week, Bénédicte is back. She's already been on here a few times, she's like our mascot. Well, she's mine anyway, because she's cool and she's my friend. 

Her info:
Age32
Location: In the south of France, just above Spain.
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the drawing

Who are you?
I'm Bénédicte Moret, AKA Bloutouf in my domain. I'm a graphic designer/illustrator who specialises in environmentalism, even though there's no money in it. 

What do you do?
Whatever I want to do. Well, most of the time, because you've got to eat, haven't you? 

"To be thrown away" - "DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT"


Where do you come from?
From Lyon, a magnificent city in France where I've wiped off the most bar counter as a customer! In Lyon, the party calls to me! 

How old are you?

32. I know, it doesn't show.

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
My husband in the nude:

Who is your favourite illustrator?
I love Pedrosa, he's gifted, sensitive and also his work on environmental stuff is close to mine in theme. I love his sense of humour. 

Your passion, besides illustrating ?
Partying with my girlfriends.


"Don't touch that, son!"

Your favourite place in the world?
The café terrace in the morning. I loooooove to sit and watch the world go by while I drink a hot coffee, keeping my hands warm. 


What gets on your nerves?
You, you're starting to piss me off with your shitty questions! People who are biased and who never take a long, hard look themselves really annoy me. I want to beat them up.

What makes you happy?
Being able to draw every day and always having new projects.


"On 3, we race to the trashcan!"

Your hero?
Georges Clooney
 
Your favourite word?
Pathetic.

Your favourite smell?
My son's smell, he still smells of baby. I like to get high by sniffing his hair. I'm making the most of it because I've been told it doesn't last.

The job you wouldnt've liked to have done?
School teacher. Spending the entire day surrounded by loads of screaming children isn't something that would fill me with joy. 

"Look at how great this is! A guy will exchange an illustration for a massage!"


If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
A comic by Margaux Motin « La tectonique des plaques. » (Tectonic plates)
 

What would you like to sell to us this week ?
My body? No, stop it it Alan, I'm kidding. I dunno, my book? It's really good, I promise, for people with environmental concerns. 

 


 

Can you elaborate?
My book 'Famille presque Zéro Déchet « Ze Guide »' (The almost zero-waste Family - The Guide) ? It's a practical guide for all of those who want to help the environment on a daily basis, but without putting too much effort into it. We created this book to be fun for everyone, as well to be funny. Well, we hope it is! It's full of illustrations for people who can't read, so there's no reason why you can't start right away. Before any naysayers (I can hear them already) start saying, "A book can't be zero-waste, yada yada yada…", you should know that the book was eco-designed, printed on recycled and eco-labeled paper. It's also available as an ebook. And the impact of our book will be less important due to all the changes it will bring about. 

The book is available on Amazon in French (for now) but it's best to order it directly from the publisher's website. Or even better, buy it from a bookstore!
 


If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
Great performance! Want to start over? What would you like to do now?

There. That'll do for this week. For me, it's the weekend, and it's come to my attention that some people preferred the longer version of the blog. Don't worry, I'll find time to add stuff now and again, but most people have low attention spans, so… that's that dealt with. I'll leave you with my Birthday present from yesterday and a French rock song that has English subtitles as its video. It's pretty good. Be excellent to each other and see you soon.

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1577 - Illustrated FML - On 03/11/2016 at 9:06am by Alan - 3 comments

Thessa's illustrated FML

Hey there! This week, the times they are a-changin'. No more rambling, just straightforward questions and answers. And more importantly, bonus illustrations. The artist needs to be introduced via his or her art, so we're mixing things up a little. People have limited attention spans it seems, so we might as well do away with long, boring texts, and just stick to the facts. The other novelty is that illustrations will be posted once every two weeks, instead of the usual once a week, but still on a Friday. Anyway, this time, it's all about pets. Sort of. Let's get it on. Or get on with it. Hey presto, it's an illustrator.

THESSA'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Who is my hero? My mother and I know that sounds corny, but I really mean it. She is a rock."

Self portrait Thessa by Superkip
 


This week it's Thessa's turn. It's about time we had someone from another country than France, right?

Her info:
Age: 24
Location: "I am currently living in Hamburg, but I plan to move back to the Netherlands (my homeland)."
Website: Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the pet

So Thessa, what is that you do? "I still need to graduate, but I'm doing a paid internship at a R&D location of a well known, international food company."

What do you like about what you do? "I'm a scientist and I work with food. I get to be creative and make things people can enjoy. I guess that is what drew me to art as well."

What do you feel is missing from your life? "Time. I always need more time. I just have way too many hobbies to be able to enjoy them all properly."


What's your current news, work or personal? "Not much."

What's your schooling/training and career look like so far? "I 'm working towards my master's degree in food technology. I specialised on product design. Before this, I did a bachelor in food technology. It has got nothing to do with art! I know! Drawing was always something I did on the side. I took art classes in high school, but no more after that. I worked on my skills by practising, experimenting and going to art forums for tips and feedback. In 2010 I joined a group and we sold art and comics together. Since 2013 I have been publishing my own comics and since last year I also have my own stand."

What are your ambitions/projects? "I would like to graduate and get a job in R&D in the food industry. Art wise, I always have a pile of projects I am working on or want to work on in the future. It's mostly comics. There is this one big project that I have been working on for years and I would really like to finish it this year. That's what I say every year, but this time I have actually started! On the long run I hope can continue juggling my science career with drawing."

Where is the place you like to create your illustrations, if you have one? "I can draw everywhere and I do. In public transit, in cafés, at the dinner table, on the couch in front of the TV, you name it. However, if I really need to properly work on something I have a tiny desk in my tiny room, with my laptop and tablet and my traditional supplies."

What inspires you? Is there someone, or an event or something that made you want to start drawing? "Ever since I could hold a pencil, I have been drawing. There is nothing that really triggered me to draw, but my family has always been supportive, so that's great. I get inspired by people around me, things that happen to me and by the work of other artists."

Recommend us something to eat. What's your favourite foodstuff or place to eat? "Oh, man. There are so many things! I don't really have one favourite food, because there are so many good things to eat. I also like to experiment a lot. Have you ever tried cola-chicken, or pineapple-ginger yoghurt, or salted caramel chocolate, or rhubarb soda?"

What's your favourite song at the moment, or favourite band? Same question for movies and books, TV, comics. "I like the oldies. I listen to David Bowie a lot at the moment, because... Well, you know... He was amazing. I read a lot of comics, my current favourites are "Grayson", "Batman and Robin eternal", "Abe Sapien" and "Ekhö monde miroir"."

Which illustration blogs do you regularly check out and that you recommend? "I am a big comics fan, so the ones I recommend are from comic artists. You should check out: Alessandro Barbucci, Russell Dauterman and Babs Tarr"


What do you enjoy in life, your pastimes, your vices, your everyday pleasures? "Food! I love good food. As you might have guessed by now."

What would your own personal FML be? "When I was on holidays I broke my shoe. I had only brought one pair, so I had to buy new one. In the middle of the shoe store I got a nosebleed. No one cared. FML"

What advice would you give to budding artists? "Draw! Draw, but do it responsibly. I hear stories of people just drawing all the time even when they didn't feel like it and even when their bodies were protesting. Don't do that! Draw what you want, when you want and take care of your body. It's okay to take breaks. You don't have to draw all the time to improve, you just have to do it smartly. Lastly, don't be afraid to try new things and don't be afraid to ask for help."

That's it for this week! Thanks Thessa for taking part, it was mighty nice of you. We'd be glad to have you back whenever you want. So, as you can see, I'm trying to make the illustrations articles a bit more snappy. If you've got any suggestions for questions I can ask the artists, let me have them in the comments below! And if you yourself are an artist, send me a PM and we'll see if we can work something out. Until next time, have a few things I enjoyed this week: I went to see Tindersticks play in a theatre in Dijon and it was really good, so here's a track from their latest album. For each track, they commissioned short films from movie directors, so here's the song Hey Lucinda, the video is really cool. And here's the Imperial March on a toad. Have a great weekend, be excellent to each other, and see you soon.

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1576 - Illustrated FML - On 02/26/2016 at 2:17am by Alan - 6 comments

Eni's illustrated FML

Greetings worshipers of lines and colours! This week, with the help of a talented young illustrator we’re checking kids out. No, not like that. Damn, that sounded bad. We’re taking a different look a children, in that it’s not in a condescending and/or way creepy as the media tends to do when it comes to kids. They’re not necessarily innocent, sweetness and light. They can be downright vicious bastards, especially if board games are involved. Intrigued? You should be. This week’s interview is this way.

ENI'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"I live in Lorraine, long live quiche and pâté, boudiou!"

Self portrait Justine by Eni
 


This week we're welcoming Eni. It's no state secret so I guess I can reveal that her real name is Justine, if not to explain that her nickname derives from the last three letters of her name, backwards. Get it?

Her info:
Age: 18
Location: Lorraine, France
Website: Her Facebook page
Her illustrated FML: The one with the recording

Eni is young, and it’s the sort of thing that makes old farts like me quite angry. One day I’ll stop whining and moaning about stuff, but not today, it’s raining and I haven’t had a drink yet. So, Eni is 18, and she’s got plenty of talent. It shows. I know, I always say that about the artists I get on here are full of talent, but it’s quite sincere. I only have the cream of the crop on here. Except that one time when… Nah, just kidding. Eni is part of the cream, obviously, she contacted us with an enthusiastic e-mail that warmed the cockles of my booze-riddled heart, and gave a me lust for life like in that song. Something like that.

So she does what she get up to then, what with being so young, so fearless? "I graduated high school in the summer of 2015 and I would like to get into illustrating. I also do sewing because I’m passionate about cute clothes and I’m inspired a lot by Japanese fashion. I am also a cat tamer, Felix (how  original) and his mischievous antics inspire me to make little comics." Ah, just like me. Well, no. Not at all. Except for the cat tamer bit. My life is nothing but dealing with cats sometimes.

What do you like about what you do? What’s missing from your life? "I like to express my world view via comics. Speaking of comics, you ask what I'm missing, well, I’m a few squares short of a comic strip. (Haha ... Hum.)?" Damn, the there’s that infamous illustrator humour. I’d forgotten about this rarely-seen phenomenon. It turns up unannounced sometimes, without warning. I’d rather that than the illustrators without a sense of humour, who takes themselves super seriously… But they don’t exist, right?


Tell us about your academic and professional career so far, although at 18, you're still brand new! "I have a visual communication multi-media diploma, I studied software such as Photoshop, Indesign, Illustrator, etc… I also did several internships in advertising agencies." Ah yes, you did what you needed to do, it's all good stuff to break into that milieu, if I understood all of the artists that I talked to here. Nothing is going to happen if you just stay at home and wait for the phone to ring, expecting a big contract to turn up.

What are your plans? "My dream would be to publish my own comics or manga. And I would like to become an illustrator." But… you're already an illustrator, right? Oh, you mean in the sense I-earn-my-wages-doing-it. I think you're off to a good start, just believe in yourself, apply yourself, keep your head down, eat right, exercise regularly, don’t respond sarcastically when the po-po ask you why you were driving erratically… You get the picture.
 
Who is your hero? "In my day to day life, I spend a lot of time with several heroes, like Super Happy, Super Motivated, Super Tired and all their friends (Sometimes I’m Super Hungry, which is like hungry but with a cape!).” Hey, there’s that humour again. I’m not going to comment, I’m tired. Just tired, okay?

Where’s the place where you like to draw? "On my desk, and I like to nibble while drawing." I also nibble writing my articles, and this is why I’m a fat bastard. Be very careful, you’re only 18. It creeps up on you very slowly, and one day your metabolism collapses and you wake up one morning and you’re a fat bastard.

What inspires you? What pushed you into the arms of drawings? "My father, who himself studied fine arts, the Ghibli studio and manga artists like Takeshi Obata and Yana Toboso." It’s a real family affair then! How'd he like coming over to do an FML too? It would be cool to get the father on here after receiving the daughter! Then have a joint, 4 handed illustration after that. No? Come on, say yes Mr Eni’s dad!

Recommend a biscuit or your favourite food. "I have a very strict and healthy diet of Kinder chocolate, sweets and above all the top notch food: PICKLES!" What was I saying about snacking and being a fat bastard? I'll keep the pickles though, because I’m also dedicated to worshipping their boundless deliciousness.

What are your latest favourites in film, music, books and comics, etc. ? "I loved the latest Star Wars movie (With Kyshlo Ren, you’re right back!) And I’m a fan of the Harry Potter saga forever. Wingardium Leviosa! And above all I love the films of Tim Burton. Right now, I’m watching Breaking Bad. Walter, we are all with you!" I’ll therefore avoid spoilers in this article, it would be really bastardly. And I'm not like that. I swear.

Who are the main artists that you like? "I love the drawings of Sakimichan, they are beautiful." And in life, what else do you like? "Besides drawing, I love video games. (Zelda FF14, Skyrim ...)." Fair enough. I have no idea what any of all that is, but I'll go along with it.

If you had to tell us your own FML, what would it be? "One day my dad borrowed my DS, he then put it on a table in a puddle, it died instantly. FML” Oh yeah, I had a similar thing happen to me, but it wasn’t a DS, it was a kitten. Naaaaaaah, I’m joking, calm down PETA nutjobs.

Finally, if you were to give advice to someone starting out in illustration, what would you say to motivate them? "If you are passionate and motivated, don’t let go and believe in yourself!” That's what I tell myself every time I go to bed. And when I wake up in the morning, it’s a different kettle of fish.

That's it for this week! Thank you Eni for being along for the ride, it was cool. Come back and see us whenever you want, we will always have room for you on this page. Next week, there will be an illustration, or maybe not. I don’t know. It’s the mystery. I have to move house, repaint an apartment, everything’s changing, the vagaries of life. You don’t care right now, but the changes will affect you too, so ... stay tuned! Until then, I leave you with a musical dog and a yoga goat. Until next week for next part. Or not. Anyway, stay beautiful, sexy and funky fresh!

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to contact@fmylife.com not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1575 - Illustrated FML - On 02/12/2016 at 11:07am by Alan - 5 comments