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The Best of the Worst #11

Yes, we're late. We've been doing stuff, the New Year and our birthday party got in the way, but there's no excuse. So, we're sorry for not churning out another Best of the Worst in due time. As Douglas Adams famously said, 'I love deadlines. I love the whooshing noise they make as they go by.' Anyway, we've got our life back together, we've straightened ourselves out, we've stopped drinking pure alcohol mixed with maple syrup and we're here. Let's dive straight into the shittiest of the shit submissions bag!

For those of you who've never had the pleasure of reading one of these, the only way to describe these articles is to say that we get sent a buttload of stories every day, very few are usable, many are mediocre. But some are just batshit insane. They seem to have been written by drunk ponys, or people who have reached the end of their tether and are about to crack. And those people who like to type things out using their pee-pees. Anyway, the stories here are those weird and wonderful stories from the very bottom of the submissions pile. And here we go for this month's selection.

The Bill

Today, I just realized Bill Cosby Is hiding Ebola or Kim Jong Un Banned It Why Bill, FMLL

Trading Places

Today, my parents both announced they are getting sex changes. My mom will soon be my dad, and my dad will now soon be my mom. FMLL


So i was on Skype and my friend kept messaging me and she would to this thing where its like ***** *** is ___________ FML

Drama queen

Today, my daughter got hair dye all over the carpet. I ruin everything and am about to kill myself. FML

And they say romance is dead?

Today I walked in on my mother and father, going at it like bats from hell, on top of my dead grandmothers coffin. FML.

I'm not racist, but…

Today, after many years without a boyfriend, I desperately placed a Craigslist ad. The only replies were from black men. I’m not racist, but the thought of having a black baby is gross. FML

Norman Bates, is that you?

The woman I perceive as a psuedo-mother has a noticably growing crush on me. FML.

It's not you, it's me

The other day, I was walking around the hallway at school telling people they need Jesus. I told my one of teachers that he neede Jesus he said I dont need Jesus, Jesus needs me. He had shut down my testimony. FML

It's always the hamster

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. I could not focus because my hamster, Harry, just died. When I finally came I screamed out my hamster’s name. Unfortunately Harry is also the name of my boyfriend’s best friend. Now he thinks that I’m cheating on him. FML


That's it for this month. We'll be back in a month or so with some more of the same. If you enjoyed reading these, you can see  more by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. Oh, and as usual, these are all compiled from the website/app since the very beginning, so to all of you who've tried sending in odd FMLs to try and get published here: don't even begin to try, we're not idiots. Until next time, be excellent to each other and call your moms.


Bonus not-really-hidden, tracks. Yes, two for the price of one. We're guessing these were sent in by the same individual, because the style shows so many similarities throughout its moving and gritty mood swings. Check dem feels.


A day in the life, part 1


A day in the life, part 2


#1498 - About FMyLife - On 01/28/2015 at 9:18am by Alan - 78 comments

Idan Schneider's illustrated FML

Oi! Stop "playing" that digeridoo and get out! There, now that I've tidied up my apartment, we can begin. How are you all doing? Have you got your leather jacket out of storage to go hang out down at the youth club? It's Friday, and whether you're feeling high on Jesus or depressed on Prozac, be thankful you're not a squid. It must be a sad life, being a squid. Little or no access to a television, they can't use smartphones and you never see them in the queues at Disneyland, only on plates. I apologise in advance if there's a super-evolved squid out there reading this and fuming, "what an arsehole, I've got an iPhone 4S and I was on Space Mountain just last week!" That's enough about sea creatures, let's meet this week's artist.


"I enjoy sleep. You learn to appreciate sleep when you have two small kids."

Idan by C-Section.


This week we're going international, with an old friend. Idan has already been on FML, and his illustrated FML was a huge success so I asked him if he'd like to do another one. He came up with a brilliantly simple illustration, so I guess I was right to ask him. See mum and dad, sometimes, my ideas are worthwhile. All of Idan's illustrations in this articles can be clicked on to be displayed in BIG.

His info:
Age: 37 
Location: Tel Aviv, Israel
WebsiteC-Section Comics, Facebook, Twitter
His illustrated FML: The one with the drink

OK, we'll admit it: this week we're in Pun City. We're OK with that, but a lot of people hate puns. John Cleese of Monty Python fame is rumoured to have said that his three rules of comedy are "No puns. No puns. No puns." But enough with the haterz, let's get to know Idan. 

So, who is he? "
Well, I'm mostly known for drawing a webcomic, called C-Section Comics, but I'm also a software engineer. The last time FML interviewed me, I had just quit my job as a software engineer and took some time off to focus on doing artsy stuff. During that time I made a living by drawing personal caricatures (I had clients from all over the world, it was fun), illustrated a children's book, and of course created lots of new cartoons for C-Section Comics. Recently I went back to programming, but I continue drawing comics whenever I can find the time, mostly on nights and weekends." Time, time, time, precious time to do stuff. "Time" by Pink Floyd. Something we all seem to lack, now and again.  That, and some sort of contraption that could detect and retrieve all the stuff that cats knock behind heavy furniture. The amount of stuff that has gone missing since I've been invaded by cats is a mystery.  

So, how does a software engineer get to be so funny? Or am I being unfairly mean? How does Idan deal with being both an engineer and an illustrator? "Drawing comics is very fulfilling - it's a way to express myself, that's obvious. But it also enables me to communicate with people around the world. I can grab the attention of my readers, even if it's for a few seconds at a time, and have them think about something I put in the spotlight, or even just share with them a silly thought that I had. Being a web cartoonist, I have the privilege to have my cartoons read by millions around the world. I guess younger cartoonists take this for granted , but I'm old enough to appreciate this fact, because 20 years ago, you couldn't do that unless you worked as a syndicated cartoonist, a privilege that was reserved for few. Last but not least, cartooning gives me the opportunity to rant about stuff that grinds my gears. It's the best therapy I can get, and a lot cheaper than going to an actual therapist." Hmmm. Maybe I should breathe new life into my aborted career as a cartoonist then, even though in the words of Morrissey, "I can smile about it now, at the time it was terrible". I often use these articles to let loose some neurotic shards of bile, on the hush-hush, but I'm supposed to be discussing the artists, not me, my life, and the horrible people that come across now and again. No, that would be taking advantage of my position. I'm going to remain faithful to my style. 

Idan, any news you'd like to share with our readers? 
"C-Section Comics is celebrating its 5th birthday soon. When I started the series it was mostly about silly jokes and puns, observations about life and rants about annoying things in life, like how. As I "grow up", the series grows up with me, so now you can find occasional cartoons about more serious stuff like politics, religion, media bias or parenting. But the bulk of my cartoons are still about silly things such as the different type of people you find in urinals, or what it would be like if meme stars were cast for Game of Thrones. When I started cartooning I didn't believe it would last this long, but now it's hard for me to imagine life without drawing comics."

Idan had this to say about our friends at Charlie Hebdo: "In light of recent events I can't stop thinking about the heroism of the cartoonists of Charlie Hebdo. They were threatened for a long time, they knew they were risking their lives by drawing and publishing their cartoons, there was precedence (the attack on Danish cartoonist Kurt Westergaard, the murder of Dutch director Theo van Gogh) - and yet they continued publishing their truth in a bold stand for freedom of speech. On this opportunity I'd like to express my deepest condolences to the families of the victims of the attacks on Charlie Hebdo offices and the Jewish supermarket in Paris.

Idan started drawing thanks to some Frenchies! "I have been drawing ever since I remember myself. My love of comics started when I first laid my eyes on an Asterix book - it was "Asterix and Cleopatra", and I was four or five at the time. I was immediately drawn to the beautiful drawings of Albert Uderzo. Asterix is still one of my favourite series to date, and as an adult I can fully enjoy the brilliant comedic scripts of René? Goscinny, some of which I couldn't understand as a kid, like his brilliant satire on capitalism and consumerism on Obelix and co." If you're unfamiliar with Asterix, you should this seminal work ASAP. In France and much of Europe, it's a well-loved comic.

Besides comics, what are you into? "I have so many webcomics I enjoy reading. I like the silly and vulgar humour of ToonHole and Cyanide & Happiness (and I know artists of both series have made illustrated FMLs). Lunar Baboon has excellent comics on parenting, and of course I like the workplace humour of Dilbert. I also read SMBC, The Oatmeal, and I enjoy Jim K Benton's cartoons on Reddit. There are at least a dozen more which I read occasionally. My current favourite comedy is The Big Bang Theory. In the drama section my top choices are Game of Thrones and Breaking Bad. And when I work I enjoy listening to political talk shows and satirical programs such as Bill Maher, John Stewart, John Oliver and The Colbert Report. With regards to movies, being a dad, I have a formal excuse to watch Disney classics with my kids, such as Aladdin, Beauty & The Beast and Fantasia. I don't get to watch a lot of movies for grown-ups these days." Kids make you do all sorts of things. That's why I've chosen to have cats instead. Scientifically, cats are identical to kids, give or take a whisker. And they don't live as long, they don't ask for money once they turn 14 to buy a moped, they don't get into arguments about who gets the biggest room when you move house and you don't have to explain to them one day that mummy and daddy are breaking up because mummy did some sex with strangers she met on Facebook and that she thought she would get away with duping everyone, the hussy. Oh, I made all of that up, BTW. Don't go thinking that I hang out with people like that. But cats will sleep around with anyone, so they're no better.

How about Idan's own personal FML? "Today I was sitting in the living room with my two kids. Suddenly I heard the clear sound of someone letting one go. From the smell alone I could tell that the perpetrator was my older son, and that he had fish sticks for lunch today. Five years of being a dad has made me an expert flatulence analyzer, CSI level. FML." That's probably the funniest personal FML I've had the pleasure of publishing in this column. Well done, Idan!

That's it for this week. I'm still on vacation, sort of. There's no real vacations when you work for FML, because it's a calling, a vocation, a passion. We're always here, on call 24/7, to bring you joy and giggles. I've been on vacation since last Friday, but I'm around. I'm watching you. Here's some music, to celebrate the fact that the French band Diabologum's legendary 1996 album, simply called #3, is being rereleased in a few days, at last. So go get it. See you next week, when I'll be joined by a friend of mine. Until then, be excellent to each other and try to have some fun. Ciao!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1497 - Illustrated FML - On 01/22/2015 at 1:37am by Alan - 10 comments

FML is 6 years old!

We've made it! FML is six years old! We can't really say that we are ageing gracefully, but what sort of six-year-old behaves gracefully. Not us, that's for sure. So, what the eff' happened in 2014? You sent us 313144 FMLs down the pipeline, and we published only 3014. That's not a huge percentage, but that's because we prefer quality over a shitton of garbage. You agreed that the OP's life sucked 206691661 times, and that they deserved it 55080599 times. Wow. 467544 badges were given out, and you gave each other 39905 likes. You guys are kinda cute. Well, except for you over there. You know who you are.



The FML team is proud to have made is this far. Who would've thought, one cold, crisp day in January 2009 that we would still be here in 2015, sending out spurts of people's everyday failures and crushed hopes and dreams, making your bus journeys less boring, and letting others giggle while reading your suffering-slash-FMLs. FML is like a big family, albeit a bit of a weird looking family of 3.1 million people, but a family nonetheless. You just have to check out the comments, our Facebook page and Instagram to realise that a bit of a community has developed around the initial little website, and it's what we're the most proud of. That and our Backstreet Boys autographs collection. So, instead of making it all about us and showing off like big show offs, we thought we'd make it all about the people who make FML what it is: you guys. 


FML: better than Sixpence None The Richer

To do so, we contacted a few FML members to help us out. These people have been hanging around here for quite some time, and who take part in the comments with great passion, gusto and a bunch of other adjectives. The members who were willing to take part in this crazy adventure are: 

Fightingkittens. Name came from actual fighting kittens. Account created on 04/11/2010 and 242 comments.
DocBastard. A real doctor. Master of the putdown. Account created on 05/07/2010 and 9007 comments. 
Pleonasm. All round nice guy. Account created on 04/11/2010 and 2185 comments.
DanielleinDC. Doesn't comment often, but with style. Account created on 08/09/2011 and 1303 comments.
fleur_de_fevrier. Is both on FML and VDM, the French version. Account created on 21/06/2012 and 1067 comments.
Wizardo. Not a real Wizard. Account created on 31/12/2012 and 1159 comments.
skyeyez9. Grumpy, but OK. Account created on 23/041/2010 and 4210 comments.
Hiimhaileypotter. A real Harry Potter fan, honest. Account created on 04/06/2012 and 1747 comments.
Mauskau. Probably Russian. Account created on 08/08/2009 and 1583 comments.

So, how did these guys end up in our neck of the woods?
DocBastard (who is a real doctor) started the way everyone should, by checking things out before giving it a go: "I started by lurking, reading others' comments and deciding which type I liked and which I didn't. I really started commenting mainly due to intelligent and/or funny commenters like Pendatik and Cinn. I have submitted one FML, and it was published."
So did Pleonasm: "There was this atmosphere that promoted interaction and making jokes with and at one another or even at the original poster. So after a while, I couldn't help but join the fray and help laugh at other people's expense, because I'm nice like that." We wish more people were nice in the comments some times.

Most of them have a different relationship with FML, and no doubt that you have too. Depending on the user, it's either a time to relax, something to pass the time while taking a dump, and it can take place anytime, anywhere (well, maybe not the dump) thanks to smartphones.
DanielleinDC wastes the company dime by using FML, "usually in the morning when it's quiet at work."
Wizardo is a bit of an addict: "I check FML in the morning as I wake with one eye open and me hating this thing called the morning, and again in the night to see what kind of misguided or unfortunately screwed up event has happened in the day of a stranger that I am glad isn't me."
So is Hiimhaileypotter: "I check FML several times daily at all hours, generally at night though."
Whatever the time of day, we're open 24/7.

We asked them what they enjoyed the most about the comments section, and the response was a bit of a mixed bag. It appears that what they enjoy about the comments is also what they also hate them, there's a bit of a love/hate thing going on.
Pleonasm does have this to say: "
The comments section is like a box of chocolates: There's always get one that looks like it's going to be chocolate, but then it turns out to be a piece of faecal matter instead, or something worse like a cherry or orange filling. Don't even get me started on marzipan. Food aside, I enjoy most of the comments section: you get a lot of types of humours that mix well and people play off of each other and it's fun to see the interaction - it's also good to see people help each other out or be civil."

But for most, they seem to enjoy being annoyed by the lazy comments, Pleonasm adds, "There is a special place in hell for those who say « shitty situation » or who abuse the dual meaning of pussy on a cat FML."
Mauskau: "I vaguely remember someone saying something stupid and then they received a lot of people correcting them and explaining why they were wrong, and they kept digging themselves into a deeper hole. Comments that show sheer ignorance, or when someone says “break up with your partner” when they do something hilarious."
Pleonasm puts his finger on one particularly annoying trait: "Then you have the improbable optimists - my jimmies are rustled every time someone says "At least" in regards to OP, especially when it's followed by something that has almost no chance of happening or doesn't pertain to the FML at all." As moderators, we can only agree. But we have to remain impartial, even though I through in a troll comment every now and again.
Hey, I'm naughty, sue me!


FML is the sixth deadly sin

Does FML ever take over their real lives? We wanted to know if people on FML met in real life. We know they exchange PMs, but does it go any further?
Fightingkittens gets PMs: "Occasionally people message me about my profile pic (a 3-year-old gem featuring face paint from a Renaissance fair), but I've stopped commenting as frequently and rarely get messages. I don't correspond with people outside of FML - I really do prefer the anonymity of the Internet."
A sentiment that seems to be echoed a lot. A lot of people have even been insulted for no apparent reason.
fleur_de_fevrier: "One guy sent me once a big rant saying that I was a “ f***ing p***y” because I disagreed with the use of offensive violence in a situation of confrontation and blocked me before I could answer. That was actually pretty funny because he seemed genuinely upset."
DocBastard's… confrontational style has earned him some peeved PMs: "I have exchanged PMs and e-mail with numerous other FMLers, though I have not met any of them. I have gotten both fanmail and hate mail... probably more of the former. I used to get hate mail regularly back when I commented more. People don't seem to like being called "idiots" when they act like one. Funny, that." Word, dude.

Well OK, we do want to show off a bit because it's our birthday, so we asked our friends if they had a message to send the creators of FML. 
Pleonasm said, "Thanks guys for the funny stories; the good, the bad and the ugly comments; the crying of laughter; the cringe and even the trolls. Have my eternal love for dooming me to a futureless present as I waste away my free time procrastinating and laughing at other people instead of studying or going outside.
Thank you for teaching me to learn from other people's mistakes while creating my own."
Wizardo: "Thanks for creating a haven for the rejected, downright silly and beautiful idiots to unite and share their stories of super racist old people, annoying as fuck kids and relationship problems. This is a unique corner of the Internet and I have been honoured to contribute to the majestic creation that is FML, may your hilarious yet slightly dysfunctional family continue to run as long as bad grammar exists and people keep commenting basic shit. <3"
That'll do, we're welling up.

For a giggle, we also wanted to know who would be named CEO of the comments section, if such a blatantly fake and ridiculous title ever existed (because it's for a laugh, before you start sending in your messages about it) and Doc Bastard's name is the one that was the most mentioned. It seems that being a real doctor and speaking some much needed sense actually gets you somewhere. Well done. We told him about this, and he issued this press release:

"Am I getting paid for this? I think I deserve to get paid. Wait, what do you mean, 'no'?"

In any case, well done on your fake promotion, dude. It's a huge opportunity for you, what with you being a lowly surgeon-type fella at the moment. See you in the comments!


It's presents time !

To thanks all the people who take part in the FML adventure by commenting on the stories and by being an active member with an account and everything, today, on this festive day, we're giving you a gift. If you are member, you know all about our badges, they're on your profile. For those of you who aren't members, badges are acquired by doing certain things on our website and our app. For our birthday, we've decided to add a few more as a gift. Wahey! Some are secret, some aren't, so here's a list of the new badges, and some clues about how to get the hidden ones. 

Silver Badges :

- Gold Rush: Looking for gold on FML? How about we run you a bath and give you a new car as well?
- One more and it's business time: You've received 68 likes on your profile. Kinky.

Bronze Badges :

- I like your style: You've liked someone. How cute!
- The Mixer: You like to live life randomly, and we salute you.
- What'cha looking at?: You have put three pictures on your profile, not necessarily pictures of your profile

Here are a few clues to help you find the hidden badges:

- A military feline, a colonel with whiskers
- Children go looking for him, near the end of the year.
- A movie dream with Leonardo
- Who's flopped at the top?

There we go. Here at FML towers, we're going to go off to celebrate our birthday by eating tons of M&Ms while cackling like geese. Do geese cackle? We don't know. Before we do so, here's a word from another Six, Nikki Sixx from the fabulous Mötley Crüe:

Why, that almost sounds like something the haters from the comments section should think about before commenting something unhelpful or nasty about a person or a situation they know nothing about under an FML. Be excellent to each other, take heed to Sixx's words, and then go listen to the Crüe's "Kickstart My Heart". Thanks to all our friends for taking part, we love you all. Happy birthday to us all.
Now, it's party time! Byyyyyyye!

#1495 - About FMyLife - On 01/16/2015 at 9:17am by Alan - 126 comments

La Belle Bleue's Illustrated FML

Hello everybody! How is everybody doing? It's Friday, and everyone has got their party hat on, and so have we. I've got the tequila and the shot glasses out, the lemon and the salt too, and I've set up the sound system, with a great playlist, including Vanilla Ice, Flo Rida and that "Friday Friday" song. Yeah, I like great music, so what? This week, we're going into the murky world of strange people on the train, and preconceived notions we might have about them. Intrigued? You should be. Let's get on with it.


"Give me anything with chocolate on it and I'll be happy. But if I have to recommend a biscuit, it's Kangos."

Self-portrait La Belle Bleue by Marina


La Belle Bleue, AKA Marina, is a French artist. The name means "The Beautiful Blue", and comes from the thing people say when they are watching fireworks, "Oh, look at the beautiful blue firework." It works better in French, trust me. 

Her info:
Age : 30 "and a few months. 12 months. Oh OK, 13. But I don't look it, and it's still tempting to try and get cheaper fares on public transportation."
LocationToulon, France
Blog : Oh la Belle Bleue
Her illustrated FML: The one in the train

This week, if you've already checked out the illustrated FML, we're taking the train. Speaking of which, I have a question, j'ai une question : why do some people stand up and get their stuff together a good 15 minutes before the train actually arrives at its destination? What's the point? It's the final stop, there's no need to rush out in case the train starts moving again. And it's quite cosy, sitting down while the train moved along. People are weird. Anyway, today is all about strang behaviour in trains. Marina has analysed this particular FML and has come up with an explanation that I hadn't even thought about. Well done to her.

Who is behind la Belle Bleue? What does she do? She's a subsitute teacher most of the time, but mainly she does "talk a lot of rubbish, and makes a lot of blunders. Just today I've blundered twice. And in front of the same people. I don't have much credibility." On her blog she "tells the tales of her instellar losing streaks, her ideas, of which I have many. I have so many that I forget some on my way. I write them down on bits of paper, then I lose the bits of paper. I also like to test out new things to make my drawings and colouring better. When I look at my first drawings on my blog, it scares me. What do I need? More time!" Oh yes, the old "I need more time" chorus that a lot of illustrators mention in these interviews. I understand your pain, my friends. 

What's your latest news? "Your question reminds me that I have to contact the Marseille festival to get my own stand, like last year. It's in April, but you have to book early. And I'm collaborating with another comics blogger, we've got the ideas down, all we have to do know is draw." We'll know more soon. Or not. 

What do you enjoy in life? Do you have any hidden vices? Any dreams? "I like making fun of people (but not on my own, otherwise it's not as fun). I like gossip, sleeping with my teddy bear, artistic gymnastics, seeing my friends, bitching about boyfriends, not having sore feet while wearing new shoes (which is rare), a candlelit dinner with Ryan Gosling, going to the supermarket with Ryan Gosling…" Oh good God, not that guy again. I don't understand the attraction. His head is shaped like an aubergine. Or am I confusing him with someone else. Or myself. I'm not even sure I've seen one of his movies. Or if I've seen a movie. I'm going to take my medication now. 

Are there any artists that you like and whose blogs you check out now and again? "I love Barty's work (and he's very nice). Barty, if you're reading, publish stuff more often! Other than that, I like Sériba, Sophie Lambda and Margaux Motin." Speaking of Barty, he'd offered to do an illustrated FML a while back, we said yes, and we're still waiting to hear from him. So, Barty, give us a call! 

Besides comics, what are you into? "The Hobbit, of course! And I've discovered several versions of the theme song from "The Last Goodbye, sung by Billy Boyd. The version done by the band Phedore is HUGE! It's a rock version, and the singer has a fantastic voice. I've been playing it constantly since I discovered it (when I like something, I don't pretend to like it) I'm also impatiently waiting for the fifth season of Game of Thrones." As are a lot of people all over the world (I'm not, though, I never got the appeal, but then again I'm well into the new season of Celebrity Big Brother UK at the moment, yes, I'm "different", so what?) 

How about a personal FML to finish off? "Today, I'm an instructor during a school trip to England. A kid in the group is being particularly annoying, with the instructors and with the English teachers. He's all over the place, so much so that at one point I drag him to one side to give him an earfull. When I was done, he laughed even harder than before I'd started. And the laughter seemed to be directed at me. I hadn't released any spittle, I hadn't messed up in my speech and I didn't have anything stuck in my teeth. That's when I realised that I'd forgotten to remove my heart-shaped sunglasses. FML" Heart-shaped sunglasses should only be worn if you are Elton John or Madonna in the '80s. 80.

That's it for now. JI'll leave you go back to whatever it was you were doing with a great song with which to start the weekend, and a picture of all of us at the bar tonight, pretending not to be drinking beer. As of tonight, I'm on holiday for a week. You don't care, but I'll be far far away. Wahey. See you next week ! 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1496 - Illustrated FML - On 01/16/2015 at 5:25am by Alan - 12 comments

Lazouave's illustrated FML

Right. How are you doing? Things are going a bit nuts round our way. Everyone knows the Keep calm and carry on posters and their various derivatives. They were initially conceived to reassure and boost Great Britain's morale in case of an invasion in 1939. They were never used, but we should keep that stiff upper lip spirit in mind, especially with what's going on at the moment. Let's stay calm, and carry on. This article is about cartoons and humour, so I'll stick to that, and won't go into what's been going on, but if you've checked the news recently, you'll know what I mean. It's hard to introduce the second part of our New Year's celebrations illustrations, but by jove I'm gonna! Here we go.


"Dinosaurus biscuits + glass of milk + stupid TV show = best day of your life. Approved by myself personally."

Autoportrait Lazouave by Sauvane


Lazouave, is also known as Sauvane, and is thus a girl. Yes, a girl. I get a lot of them on here, don't make that face.

Her info:
Age: 24
Location: Paris
Her illustrated FML: The one with the penis

This week, we're still celebrating the new year. Happy New Year everyone, bis. Yesterday, I was told about a story about a guy over here in France who'd had a really terrible 2014, a divorce, his mother had died, and on the 1st of January, he'd sarcastically posted on Facebook, "Bye 2014, feel free to drop by anytime!" With all bloodshed recently, he posted another status saying, "Hey, 2014, I was joking."

So, Lazouave. EShe'd contacted us a while back to do an illustration, and I suggested she do the New Year's one. But who is she? "I'm a graphics and motion designer." And where does she come from? "I did studies in litterature, with further education in applied arts, then a diploma in visual communication, dabbling in advertising and editing. And 3 years later I did a course in Graphics Design and Motion Design. It was ultra, mega, giga. Like Hogwarts for people who like images. After that, I did a few months freelance work, all the while being a creative director on the side. And for the past year I've settled on a well know TV show where I make motion design." I'm not sure what the TV show is, though. 

What's your latest news? "A hurricane of projects, like crazy illustrations for a psych-pop music clip, Drak King photo portraits and an erotic fanzine that I have to supply willies to to." Hey, she's get on well with my friend Bénédicte, who did the Christmas illustration (she likes drawing willies, I don't know why. Paging Freud.) 

What does she enjoy in life? Any vices? "Wow, that's tough. Well, I can start by saying I like dinosaurs, chicken and drawing willies. They're all sure things. I'm very passionate about anything that can be considered kitsch. My living space is a temple dedicated to bad taste, it totally stimulates me when I'm working. My favourite object is a Queen Elizabeth II plate, her benevolant smile always revigorates me. A small vice amongst many: I always kiss my envelopes before posting them. It's a little ritual to help my mail get to its destination, and it works. And I listen to rubbish '90s music. Do you know Kajagoogoo? They make me go nuts! WOUHLOULOULOU !!!!"

I must interrupt this diatribe to point out that Kajagoogoo were at their most popular in the '80s, not the '90s. I know, I was there, I even have the 7-inch of their most famous song.

What about your everyday pleasures? "Insulting my computer, drinking coffee, letting loose some atomic farts under my duvet, as I'm single." Hmmmmm, I'm beginning to understand why the "single" part of that answer. Oh go on, I'm joking. 

So, how about artists you like? "Sarah Andersen, Hyperbole and a half, Georges Clooney by Philippe Valette, Michel F., Malec's blog… The list goes on, I spend over 3 hours a day on blogs (mea culpa)." Hey, Malec was here recently, and Philippe Valette should be on here soon, if he answers my desperate calls one day. 

Besides comics, what do like at the moment? "At the moment, I'm trying to upgrade my movie knowledge. Recently I saw A Town Called Panic, which made me totally crack up at least 4 times in an hour and a half. Musically, I've recently discovered Glam Rock. Ever since, I want to live dressed as Faster Pussycat all the time. As for books, I was recently given the His Dark Materials books and 3 weeks of my life just disappeared. READ THEM. TV Shows that I nominate are 30 Rock, The Mighty Boosh and Record of Lodoss War. Now I know the word which describes laughing and peeing at the same time!" I'm a huge fan of the The Mighty Boosh, so I can only agree with you, and if you've never seen the show, I suggest that you check out ASAP. Especially if you enjoy absurd, British humour.

That's all for this week. We can all go back to a normal existence. Well, if you can call it that. Don't forget to keep your head up high while walking down the street, be respectful to people from all walks of life, down let fear guide your actions and thoughts, and let freedom of speech be a tool for the greater good. And find out what it actually means, before you start writing in about moderated comments. People confuse freedom of speech with the freedom to pollute websites with their offensive brain diarrhea. No, it's not. Anyway, be excellent to each other, have fun this weekend and go safely.See you next week! 

As always, if you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1494 - Illustrated FML - On 01/09/2015 at 6:08am by Alan - 9 comments