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The Best of the Worst #10

Oh dear, it's nearly Christmas. We've got ourselves into the spirit of things by eating undercooked turkey drumsticks and hurling abuse at the TV. But even while we were giving The Good Wife the finger, we still remembered to get together this early Christmas present for all you good little boys and girls out there. Yes, it's the usual collection of weird and wonderful FMLs from the bottom of the submissions bag. Get ready to scoop your eyeballs back out of your drinks. Here we go. 

For those of you who don't know, the perfect analogy for this article would be that it's a bit like if a restaurant had a second menu, containing all the failed attempts at receipes they'd tried and turned out absolutely awful. The stories below are failed FMLs, sent in by actual people who thought we were actually going to post them. Poor souls. Anyway, here we go for this month's pick.

The Pooter

So my brother got up from his laptop for a funeral and said to me, “don’t touch my compooter” and I, ever sarcastic, came up with, “don’t worry, I hate it because of the Pooter but I love the COM” I managed to yell this across the room. In front of my stepfathers grieving family. FML


Today, someone tweeted that there was a possible missing person in Paris, France. I said I would help, as I was staying in Paris. I searched for two hours around hotels in the area where the person might be, to no avail. It was then that my parents informed me that we were in Phoenix, not Paris. FML

Where is my mind?

I am working in Indonesia, but I am not Indonesian It’s really fantatic that i live in abroad

You don't understand me, mom

I’m trying to go punk for a while and today I got an iPod as a gift…why don’t ppl get it??? FML


Today, on the Rez some were about in Montana I walked in on my boss red fether fucking my wife fly trap and then my boss told me I was fired from the casino and that he took my native pride away…FML…


Today,my daughter got sent home because she was laughing in the AIDS and HIV unit…….my daughters 5 still don’t know how she got there.

The Christmas Spirit

Today, my deaf bus driver played crappy Christmas music and the only girl singing to it is a Jew

We need to talk

Today,lets talk about sex baby, lets talk about and me having sex

White Christmas

Today, as a 14 year-old boy, have decided to masterbate for my first time. Halfway through, my mom walked in on me to remind me of our Christmas trip. Guess who isn’t coming. FML

The sweet smell of success

My little brother just straight up sniffed my butt because hr thought i farted

That's it for now. We'll be back in 2015, with more stories about things that we can pretend to understand. If you enjoyed reading these, keep an eye for more by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website. Oh, and as usual, these are all compiled from the website since it started out, so to all of you who've tried sending in weird FMLs to try and get on this page: don't bother. Until next time, be excellent to each other and have a wonderful Christmas and a fun New Year's eve party.



Bonus not-really-hidden, track. This one is special because it represents 87% of the stories we get sent, stories from teenagers who have had something "horrible" happen to their precious phone.


Phone story #57664

Today, all day I kept dropping my phone in it didn’t crack I thought it was invisible but then I drop it on carpet in in crack tell me how tht happens Fml

#1488 - About FMyLife - On 12/11/2014 at 8:46am by Alan - 48 comments

Monsieur K & Myster B's illustrated FML

Let's get one thing straight: we're not going to talk about the weather, are we? It's true that certain parts of the world (and my own body) are very cold at the moment. Freezing even. But FML is an international website/app, so some of our readers are, as we speak, in the sunshine, chilling out, having a wonderful time. Bastards. So, to make this the website that strives to include everyone, let's all imagine that we're all now out in the sun, our bodies swaying to the gentle tones of the music coming from the small radio sitting on top of the wooden bar. In the distance, a waiter in on his way to bring us a multicoloured cocktail with a paper umbrella in it. There. Feel any better? Let's forget about everyday stresses, annoying people, the miserable boss, the step-dad with the bad breath, yesterday's parking ticket, the girl from the other night with her indecisiveness, the guy at the movies behind who won't stop talking. It's all an illusion. The truth, brothers and sisters, is that nothing is important. It doesn't matter, and this week, two guys are at hand to show us that life is full of people who are waiting to piss you off, but if you work at controlling yourself instead of headbutting people, you'll make it.


"As I'm viscerally opposed to consumerism, I'd advise you to take a walk now and again, go sit on a rock and stare at the sky, and take a while to do so."

Self-portrait Monsieur K & Myster B by M.K


This week, we're getting a double helping in a way. It's two illustrators for the price of one! It's a welcome return for Monsieur K, who has already illustrated an FML for us, which you can see here, and he's joined forces which the talented Myster B, to co-create this weeks illustration. As Monsieur K has already given us his life story in the article I wrote about him here, I'm going to mix things up a bit, and examine Myster B. 

His info:
Age: 40
Location: Béziers, France
BlogLa Bête du Gévaudan
Their illustrated FML: The one with the sharpie

These guys seem cool. You can tell that they're the kind of guys that always have ice cubes in their homes, if you see what I mean. If they're here today, it's not just because they've done a great illustration for us, it's also because they're doing some promotional work. Yes, sometimes, when we like some people, we let them return to our pages and hawk stuff. It's got to be good, quality stuff. We wouldn't let any old fodder be sold on FML. Anyway, we'll kick off with the promotional pitch, because otherwise you'll all be wondering why this meeting of the minds is happening  FML. 

So, why did they decide to join forces? Their partnership on FML isn't totally innocent, of course. They've just launched a comic book, that they created together. I'll let them explain it : "'The Anachronistic Chronicles' tells the amazing (and harrowing) story of the time travelling trek of three men through humanities' great mysteries, unaware that they are creating the myths that they have come to observe. The first opus takes the reader in pursuit of the famous beast which attacked over 150 innocent people in the Gévaudan region of France in the 18th century." Long-time friends, Myster B and Monsieur K cooked up this story in great secrecy, and say so themselves: "Our revelations are going to overthrow many of the world's beliefs!" 

Close to being nuts, these two comic book authors mainly enjoy telling incredible stories, and it's not their first attempt (comics, movies, documentaries, novels…). They decided to throw themselves into this adventure in October 2013, with the aim of releasing an album every year ("For Xmas, like Disney!" they declare with humility). 10 tomes are planned. We have been warned. "The first tome is called 'Gévaudan' and is the fruit of a totally symbiotic year's-worth of work, like a ping pong march. It's in the shops for Xmas 2014 and it can be ordered (in French) on its website." Naysayers among you might think that it's weird, promoting a book that's in french, but if you're into comics, what better way to learn a new language than with great artwork. Plus, it might one day be translated if enough of you ask for it. 

And who are these wiseguys anyway? Monsieur K, we've met before, but Myster B, who's he?  "So, in the morning I get up, but I don't have breakfast. Then… Ah but… OK! I'm a stay at home dad, but I also do important things. None that comes to minds, but I do…" Hmmm, OK, sound like me when I try to explain what exactly my job at FML is. Seriously, it's really difficult to explain to someone who doesn't know what FML is, or who's never seen a website, or an app like it. Yes, people like that do exist. Oh, and I'm not a stay at home dad, but I have cats which is scientifically EXACTLY the same.

What does he enjoy about his life? "What I enjoy is starting from nothing and creating an entire universe. I just need extra wages so that I don't have to stop doing what I love so that I can eat." Oh, I know what you mean about extra wages. Sometimes, I find myself thinking that all wages are just extra wages, and that ideally shouldn't have to need to be paid to do things, we wouldn't need to work and gather a lump sump of money to feel good about ourselves, and monetary exchanges wouldn't exist, and then my cat starts meowing because she wants feeding, and the litter tray needs changing and all the Marxist ideals falls by the wayside because of cats. 

Speaking of ideals, where do you come from, and where are you going? "I'm having lunch with my mother today. Other than that, I've just finished a 60 page comic book with Monsieur K about time travel." Oh yes, I seem to remember mentioning something about that at the beginning of the article. Any projects? "In the near future, I'm going to be finishing my cigarette. After that, the rest of the comic book series (we want to do 10 tomes, and one tome takes a year). It's going to take quite a while…!" I can't imagine the time it takes to write and draw something so ambitious. When I try to draw a man taking a dump into a hat, it doesn't look like a man or a hat, it takes ages to do and then I can't even remember why I started doing it in the first place. So, guys, I take my hat off to your talent and patience and stuff. Myster B says, "I created my first comic when I was 8 (I've still got it, it's cringe worthy). I can't live any other way than by creating or by writing stories." If I'd had this same drive, maybe my dumping man with his hat would've looked pretty good, and would've taken me 10 minutes.

That's enough with the philosophical musings. Have you got a personal FML to end the interview? "First week back from vacation for kids in nursery school. Dad (me) is in full flight, thinking of everything, every morning. This morning, weirdly, the school's gate isn't yet open, despite it being 8:35 am, the usual time the little devils all turn up. Checking the surroundings, it seems that a several dads have also made the effort this year. 5 minutes. 10 minutes. Still nothing. A mom arrives, they say hello. She laughs, saying, "It's so handy that school starts at 9 am on a Wednesday!" 20 minutes sleep that I'll never get back. FML" Sleep is sacred.  

Speaking of sleep, it's time for me to leave. Thanks to Monsieur K and Myster B for taking part as a team, it was great to have them on board. We hope they'll be back soon. I'm off to do some transcendental meditation to try and understand people, and to commune with nature. See you next week, and remember to be excellent to each other. 

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1487 - Illustrated FML - On 12/05/2014 at 12:36pm by Alan - 5 comments

Cynthia's illustrated FML

TFIF indeed. It's time to kick off the suit and tie and forget about work. Some of us are going out for drinks with friends, others are going to enjoy some live music and some brave fools are going to keep fit by doing physical activity. I'd tried doing all three one evening a few years back and it turned into a right catastrophe. A broken ankle story that was so ridiculous, Michael Bay tried to buy the rights to turn it into a movie. This weekend, take it easy. This week's illustration is about sports, what to wear when doing sports and how not to behave when doing sports. 


"Bolacha Maria mas qué grande porcaria ! And besides singing mindlessly in foreign languages, I like to eat mini strawberry biscuits!" 

Self-portrait Cynthia by Cyci Sweet


Cynthia, AKA Cynthia P.F. AKA Cyci Sweet, "a nickname that I came up with based on a joke my parents made about a cartoon that was on TV in the '00s or before, I can only remember the theme tune, Sissi the Emperor. I just further the mix-up by calling myself Cyci the Emperor of the armies of purity and innocence." OK, this is going to be fun.

Her info:
Age: 19
Location: Troyes, France
BlogThe Punk Horse
Her illustrated FML: The one with the fly

I like the name of Cynthia's blog, The Punk Horse. Well I'm not sure that it's the official name, it's written at the top of the page, but as an ageing punk who gets all worked up as soon as "Anarchy in UK" by the Sex Pistols starts playing, I've chosen to use that name. This weeks article is being guided by the power of punk. And horses. Nah, I'm not really a horse person. I can't respect an animal that doesn't even stop moving to take a dump. 

So Cynthia, what do you do? "I'm a student in an Engineer School which was the first of its kind in France, created in 1925, and has since grown and is now partly in my city of Troyes. And I used to live in Paris where I got a diploma, and besides, I didn't want to stay living with my parents and my sisters, because yes, I have two younger sisters... With all this information I'm giving out, someone is going to find me and kill me in my sleep at night, or during the day but not in my bed because I'll be working at my desk... And then I didn't want to further my education because it meant doing some actual HARD WORK. Those words scare me, just writing them out paralyses me and I can hardly type, arkkkkkk." I know that feeling, I've become the king of procrastination, doing everything at the last minute. I do it with style and elegance though. 

The question which intrigues me the most from the interviews I've conducted over the past year is the one that concerns the origins of their need to draw. For those of you who have been paying attention, I would've liked to have the talent required to draw, but I don't have the patience necessary to learn. Many illustrators have told me about a moment, a "thing" that made the want to draw. What about Cynthia? "My inspiration comes from past civilisations and history lessons. What made me want to draw was Winx and Spirit the stallion." Oh, that's probably the horse in the picture, then. I was hoping for a story about a grandfather crafting beautiful illustrations on the kitchen table while candles burned all around them. But that'll do.

Does she have any news or projects to tell us about? No, weirdly. It must be a by-product of her studies, and that drawing is a hobby. 

What does she like about her life? "I love my computer, even though it dies every four years and that I replace it quite easily, and I like to draw even if it hurts my hand a bit and that I suffer every time I draw a line due to the fact that I hold my hand a certain way... I'm trying to learn the violin but it's been four years, I'm a subscriber of a science magazine, I like listening to conferences that have something to do with physics and archaeology. Those are my hobbies. My passions are myself and antique statues. And I don't have any vices, I'm too pure and innocent, hahaha." And what about artists she admires and checks out now and then online? "It would have to be classic artists from Deviant Art : Yuumei, Omocha, Yagamisiro (a style I love), psdeluxe (who makes amazing landscapes), Katy Lipscomb (the colours are wow and it's wolves), snowmarite (the colours also), EmileW (on Facebook she's £milie), Surikane, Vicky Pandora… They're not blogs, but I'm not much of a blogger, I have to add them as favourites each time, and then I only check them out once a month." 

Lets be a bit more philosophical? Where did you come from, where are you going Cotton-Eye Joe? "I was born, I went to a nursery, I went to primary school, then we moved house, I went to high school, we moved again, I'm in a engineering school... It's in moments like these that I realise that I don't really want to be stay with the same people from previous years and that I do everything to avoid them... I like knowledge that comes from Physics (mechanics, bio), if I could've chosen a school, I would've selected one that dispenses lessons in geology, biology, mechanics, architecture, nano-robotics, IT, maths, engineering sciences, prehistory, civilisation history, animation, drawing, classical theatre..." As she says, she would've required a school that teaches EVERYTHING, but unfortunately, a human brain can't know EVERYTHING, and it's a shame. In any case, she didn't mention her plans for the future, except that she wants to become "a hobo". I guess she's keeping her cards close to her chest. TBC!

That's it for this week. Thank you Cynthia for accepting to take part with so much enthusiasm. Or did she contact us first? I can't remember. I'm just happy to have people talking to me. It was nice to have you on board, but now it's time to go. Have a nice punk rock song in french to set you up for the weekend. Next week should be good as well, so enjoy it. Take care!

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1486 - Illustrated FML - On 11/28/2014 at 10:53am by Alan - 3 comments

FML's Thanksgiving Special: TGS

As many of us know through popular culture, today is Thanksgiving in the US. Come on, we’ve all seen a TV show involving a Thanksgiving dinner or plans to do so that have gone awry due to one of the main characters having an accident/the flu/a breakdown/Ebola. But a lot of the users on FML right now aren’t from the US, so they don’t give a shit. To quell the unnecessary, and frankly ridiculous anti-American sentiments we get now and again, we’ve put together an FML Thanksgiving special that will resonate within the hearts of most of our users, even the most jaded. We call it “Giving Thanks that I’m not ‘That guy’”.

Today, I was trying to wiggle my boxer shorts off to get it on with my girlfriend when my knee hooked on the elastic band. I was anxious to get started, so I used force and ended up kneeing my girlfriend in the crotch. FML

‘That Guy Syndrome’, or TGS as it’s not called in the scientific community because I just made it up between the refrigerator and my desk, is what is used to refer to many protagonists in FMLs. You can spot them pretty easily in the examples that I’ve used in this article.

Today, I sat down on a chair after my very large boss sat on it all day. When I got up, my pants were damp. FML

TGS just HAPPENS. You can’t really say that they deserved it, although many of our friends in the comments section will doubtlessly say that they did, simply for having a pulse and functioning limbs; things just seem to happen to them. It’s a syndrome that’s more of an affliction than anything else. Why does it happen? No one knows, mainly because I made it up, and no scientific data exists to say whether or not it actually makes sense, but I’m the one writing this, so bear with me.

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

See. This sort of thing happens even to people who think they’re being nice to others. It just happens. And by ‘That Guy’, I mean to refer to ‘The Guy No One Would Ever Want To Be’. Yes, I’ve used capitals for each word there. I’m hoping that it’ll become a song title, maybe written by Nick Cave, and he’ll thank me for the inspiration in the sleeve notes of his next album. But that sort of thing never happens. Why? Because of TGS.

Today, I puked up a centipede. FML

That’s what I’m talking about. Now, I’ve never puked up a centipede, but I’m certainly thankful that I never have. That’s what today is all about. Not to belittle the significance of the USA’s Thanksgiving, I’m just saying that the rest of us should take some time today to, you know, be thankful that we’ve never puked up a centipede. And if you have, maybe there’s a support group out there somewhere for you guys.

Today, I drove 12 hours with 6 screaming little girls. They were arguing about things that should've been in the Lego movie. They watched it 4 times. FML

Now, here’s a case of TGS that could imply that it’s his fault for getting into that situation in the first place. But as you get older, it’s part of life. You have to do this sort of thing. Driving kids about and having to listen to their inane conversations is thrust upon you like a sword at a knighting party. But still, who’d want to be in that car? Classic TGS.

Today, I boarded my first airplane flight. The girl on my right is sick, and the guy on my left says he gets extremely nauseous on flights. My earphones can't block out the panting and retching on either side of me. FML

Sexual antics, sexy time, sexual intercourse between two or more people. What could we be more thankful for today? The bedroom is of course a great place for TGS to strike. Especially if you’re across the street with a pair of binoculars and a thermos flask full of tea. You dirty little perv. It’s a lot less amusing when you’re part of the incident. 

Today, as my girlfriend and I were making love, she started to moan and groan. All of a sudden, she stopped and said "I'm lying, you suck at this." FML

I’m not saying that has happened to me, but it has. No, it hasn’t. Or has it? I’m a man of mystery, and a very dodgy memory. TGS can really hit at any moment. Who would want to be on the receiving end of a statement like that? Be thankful today that your partner enjoys your love life. Or at least has the decency to let slide the fact that you are crap in bed. You know who you are.

I’ll finish off this day of thanks with the ultimate in TGS FMLs. Be thankful above all today for what you have right now, whether it’s your friends, family, loved ones, your cat, dog, guitar, car, house and home because it can all change at the drop of a hat. Or at the drop, if you’re Skrillex.

Today, I found out that my wife of 5 years has decided to change everything: job, clothes, hair style, car, and me. FML

Maybe there will one day be an International Day of Thanks, hoping for a life free from TGS. Take care.

#1485 - Ramblings - On 11/26/2014 at 5:52am by Alan - 45 comments

K'Naye's illustrated FML

Woohoo it's the weekend! Winter is all around some of us, but not in our hearts. To help fight off the cold and seasonal depression, this week we're taking a look at love and tenderness. It's what keeps us going here at FML. No, we don't live off mockery and schadenfreude, there's a beating heart underneath the cold glare and the steel-like muscles. We all like surprises, especially ones like clowns appearing in dark alleys in the middle of the night, or laying down into a puddle of cat piss on your bed after a night out partying. So this week, we're celebrating life, love and flowery gifts that don't smack of desperation.


"For my 30th birthday, I finally made my dream come true and learned to play the trumpet. I'd like to say hello to my friendly and understanding neighbours!"

Self-portrait Karine by K'Naye


K'Naye, is Karine. She has a weird nickname, but it's just a mixture of her name and surname, so it's nothing weird. Nothing to do with the KKK or Special K. Good.

Her info:
Age: 30
Location : Vanves, France
BlogK'Naye Blog
Her illustrated FML: The one with the surprise

As you can see, she's quite good at drawing things. I hope her style will be OK with everyone. It's getting hard to reach a general consensus, but then again art is subjective. However, it's difficult to explain to some people who get all agitated as soon as they don't like something, not to mention the humour police come out in force. So this week, you could say we're in presence of high-level talent. In everyday life she's "a graphic designer by trade, I recently set up my own business. The big freelance adventure! Which means that I'm working in several complementary sectors at the moment like webdesign, video editing (I'm trying it out), illustrating and blogging of course!" Go and check out her blog, it's worth a look. 

She started drawing for quite an amusing reason: "The legend goes that one day I asked my dad to draw me a man. He didn't really know how to draw, so he traced out onto a piece of paper a man - 4 sticks and a circle. I was so disappointed, really really disappointed. And as you know, if you want something done properly, you're better off doing it yourself, that day I decided to learn how to draw. I was 4 years old." So, since then she's undergone an Applied Art program at high school, "and then a diploma after high school. But despite all that, I've never considered myself as a "real artist" (other than the neurotic side to my personality maybe). I started my professional career as an employee in small media agencies, then larger ones. Today, I'm trying the freelance adventure which allows me to vary my everyday life, organise my calendar and my work as I want, even though I'm the worst boss I've ever had." Freelancing seems terrifying to me, I don't think I could do it. You need to have a lot of talent to be self-reliant, I lost my talent down the back of sofa once, and I never managed to get it back.

Has she got any project or activities to tell us about? "Very few as an illustrator. You can find a few of my drawings in some cookery boxes called Oobon, but they're in French and they're for children. With the launch of my company, I don't have much time for my blog, telling stories about my travels or trying new drawing techniques… But I still get ideas for stories and projects. On the other hand, all this is a sign that I've got a job, so I'm not going to complain, am I?" Nope, you should never complain about work, never. Especially not on the Internet. It's a theme that is often talked about on FML. If someone complains about something relating to their job, someone will ALWAYS comment something ridiculous, such as, "At least you've got a job, stop whining". It's really annoying and missing the point. It's like saying, "Oh, you fell off your bicycle? At least you've got a bicycle when people are starving in the streets." The starving people in Africa argument is a favourite as well. People who comment this sort of dross should just stop. 

What does she enjoy doing? "I'm a hopelessly passionate person, which means I'm not going to be able to make a complete list. I can't stop moving, so I can't live without sport. It's my drug of choice. After basketball and volleyball, which were a bit too bland, I took up roller-hockey, which I do a lot. There's also cycling (my fast transportation), longskate (my not-so-fast transportation), surfing, snowboarding and this year's new thing, Tai-Chi." Just reading all of that has worn me out. 

What about artists and cultural stuff? "My favourites are Joe Madureira, David Gilson, Orpheelin, Silver, Katikut, Goni Montes… Poulet aux prunes (a french movie) and Her are the latest movies that moved me deeply. As for music, I recently discovered Mnozil Brass, a virtuoso Austrian band, they're mad. Check out their videos on YouTube. In comics, I dribble with admiration when looking at drawings by La Licorne and the Baker Street Four. The last book I really enjoyed was 'The Guernsey Literary and Potato Peel Pie Society'.

How about a personal FML to end the interview? "It just so happens that I'd started telling the story of my biggest embarrassment in a little comic book called 'Once upon a time…'. The day I was supposed to start an internship, I lost a shoe… In the subway. As I haven't finished the comic, but I intend to one day, I'm not going to spoil the ending!" The shoe in the subway, a familiar site to anyone who users public transportation every day. I've never lost anything in the subway, except maybe my composure and dignity.

OK, I think that'll do for now. Thank you K'Naye for taking part, and for being so cool. Because she is super cool. Now we can go back to normal, everyday things, like going outside, falling in love, listing to french love songs, be disappointed by people who take advantage whenever they can, eat some carrots, look out of the window while cuddling a cat, whatever makes you happy. Be excellent to each other, take care.

What about you? Think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML? Send us an email to but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away

#1484 - Illustrated FML - On 11/21/2014 at 5:22am by Alan - 0 comments