Intimacy: Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's...

By mrricecakes - 23/03/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 393

You deserved it 5 231

Mother's Day: Sweets and Bummers
Between disastrous breakfasts in bed and unusual gifts, Mother's Day is an inexhaustible source of laughter. More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 659

You deserved it 9 503

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 08:05 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 245

You deserved it 34 480

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 408

You deserved it 11 695

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 644

You deserved it 14 007

By :x - 03/02/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 896

You deserved it 5 352

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 309

You deserved it 271

Mr Clean

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 10:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 245

You deserved it 7 592

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 564

You deserved it 12 434

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 095

You deserved it 5 532

By threw my underwear out too - 03/12/2017 00:00 - United States - Hyde Park

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 888

You deserved it 1 888

krsimir 0

Friday 23 March 2012 12:10

Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind

frozenfreeze 5

Friday 23 March 2012 12:26

They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?

Comments

yourmofo 6

Saturday 24 March 2012 5:59

She wipes forward and you earned your red wings.

erica4759 0

Saturday 24 March 2012 6:01

You need to call 1-800-GET-ADVICE

Biffington 3

Saturday 24 March 2012 6:37

Man, all I can say is, get a new girl or at least one with better hygiene.

jpmack 1

Saturday 24 March 2012 8:05

Shave that $?!/

Vampchick08 0

Saturday 24 March 2012 8:10

absolutely terrible

eleutheros 3

Saturday 24 March 2012 9:22

Oh god...I think I have to throw up.

Bebop_fml 1

Saturday 24 March 2012 10:30

ok...? and what were the greater problems?

leecey08 0

Saturday 24 March 2012 11:38

Eew that bitch is nasty leave her ASAP

peaceout7247 1

Saturday 24 March 2012 13:02

She should of at least clean down there

thetoxiclion 4

Saturday 24 March 2012 13:05

...Are pubes really that bad? :S

Keywords

Work Management Jealousy Love Mental health Relationship advice Relatable Awkward Miscellaneous Friends Healthy Lifestyle Health Food Ironic Gifts Mother in law Birthday Family Money Public freakouts Education Parents Pranks Students Exams Weird Argument AITA Fear Insects

The Top

Today, my sister will be giving birth to my niece any day now. She repeatedly insists on showing me her heavily pregnant belly. I don't know how to tell her that I find pregnancy bellies repulsive without sounding like a dick. I don't even know why this is. I just don't like them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 434

You deserved it 132

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. It all was going fine until my mom asked aloud, "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied, "No." I'd actually been painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 442

You deserved it 4 299

The Top

Today, I realized people think my boyfriend is gay because he loves romantic movies, gardening, shoe shopping, reading magazines, and bathing by himself in candlelight. After him asking me to cuddle and me to be the "big spoon," I'm starting to question it too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 1 442

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 512

You deserved it 1 851

Today, my parents told me that I wasn’t invited to a family wedding because it was too expensive to invite everyone. This would be fine, if they didn’t invite all my other cousins, and my baby sibling as well. To be honest, it’s probably just because I’m gay. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 622

You deserved it 537

Today, I woke up to the sound of my newborn screaming. I frantically hopped out of bed and stumbled into the nursery where I was met by the priceless sight of my five-year-old daughter attempting to breastfeed her understandably frustrated little brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 391

You deserved it 6 561

Today, my English professor bragged to my entire class about how good my essay was. He kept on saying great things about it for the duration of class. To my surprise, he'd given me a C-. When I asked why, his only response was: "I'm a hard grader." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 785

You deserved it 1 532

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 066

You deserved it 4 540