Intimacy: Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's... - FML

By mrricecakes - 23/03/2012 05:55 - United States - Gilbert

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 393

You deserved it 5 231

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Same thing different taste

By shitfaced - 18/09/2015 17:30 - Netherlands - Sassenheim

Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 659

You deserved it 9 503

By Tyler - 19/11/2011 08:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend for the first time. In an attempt to be romantic, I tried taking her panties off with my teeth. I got a mouthful of pubes stuck in my braces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 245

You deserved it 34 480

Time consumed

By unendowed - 18/03/2012 02:11 - United States - Katy

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend thought it would be a good idea to go down on me with chewing gum in her mouth. I spent the next hour and a half getting Orbit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 408

You deserved it 11 695

Directions

By jay-frey96 - 02/11/2014 15:36 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 644

You deserved it 14 007

By :x - 03/02/2016 15:40 - United States - Richmond

Today, I tried to be sexy by pulling down my girlfriend's panties with my teeth. I didn't expect to be faced with the mother of all shit stains and start gagging so bad I nearly puked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 896

You deserved it 5 352

Dealbreaker

By Nico - 26/05/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, after going on a date with my girlfriend, we ended up having sex at her flat. When she took off her panties, I took a glance and saw poop stains on them. It turned me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 309

You deserved it 271

Mr Clean

By Anonymous - 18/01/2013 10:50 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I grabbed his butt to control his thrusts and got a clump of used toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 245

You deserved it 7 592

By Mr Eek - 25/10/2008 16:57

Spicy

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 564

You deserved it 12 434

By Anonymous - 30/12/2015 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 095

You deserved it 5 532

By threw my underwear out too - 03/12/2017 00:00 - United States - Hyde Park

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I took a walk on the beach at night. We were completely alone, so she started blowing me. It was great for the first five minutes, but she had just eaten dinner and (apparently) wasn't feeling great. I ended the night in the shower picking vomit out of my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 888

You deserved it 1 888

Next

Top comments

krsimir 0

Friday 23 March 2012 12:10

Should have used charmen toilet paper, no little white pieces left behind

frozenfreeze 5

Friday 23 March 2012 12:26

They were the least of your problems?...Were there dragons and dead rats down there too?

Comments

lukemack 4

Saturday 24 March 2012 0:53

That's why u only go down on people after a shower

santel_fml 8

Saturday 24 March 2012 1:26

Yucky!

growinmyown 4

Saturday 24 March 2012 1:35

OP how many times have YOU washed (with soap & water) big Jim & The Twins & your a$$ before receiving a BJ from her hmmm? next time, try a hot. sexy shower together & lather each other up! 'bone' appetit!

lefty619 6

Saturday 24 March 2012 1:38

Why would you continue after seeing that?!? That's disgusting on both sides

Sheila_Creeper 0

Saturday 24 March 2012 1:41

I don't want to know what else was down there .____."

grannygruber 6

Saturday 24 March 2012 1:56

That's nasty, but doesn't make her nasty. Not everyone shaves down there, to happens when you wipe. Totally possible she wasn't expecting him yo go down on her and frankly if I'm going down on my man or the other way around we just come out and ask if it's clean. No surprises that way. If you can't bring yourself to ask, then you aren't mature enough to go there!

Frags94 9

Saturday 24 March 2012 1:56

That's possibly the most disgusting thing ever. I feel sorry for my BF when he goes down on me, even though I actually do shower, it's still gross..

Bagel09 11

Saturday 24 March 2012 3:10

Pij

OMCheezbread 9

Saturday 24 March 2012 2:26

Itches like a mo fo when you shave down there. The things girls will put up with. *sigh*

OMCheezbread 9

Saturday 24 March 2012 2:34

>.< this was supposed to be a reply to another comment.

mdtdnb 7

Saturday 24 March 2012 4:01

Shoulda put some whiskey in your mouth before going down there!

aaronlopez20 4

Saturday 24 March 2012 4:19

haha least??? what else was there.... like ewww you know...bloody mess? i think i just gagged ha

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The Top

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 382

You deserved it 494

Today, I attended a family gathering where everyone was taking turns sharing exciting life updates. When it was my turn, I proudly announced that I'd finally mastered the art of adulting... only for my dad to pipe up with, "Makes a change from when you used to wank like a gibbon thinking we couldn't hear you up there." FML

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You deserved it 183

The Top

Today, I picked up my 17 years old daughter after a late night movie in down town and got pulled over by a cop. He questioned us for a solicitation. I told the cop that she was my daughter but he said "so you are the daddy" and laughed. Good to know that my daughter looks like a ho and I a perv. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 105

You deserved it 6 397

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 460

You deserved it 6 031

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I agree, your life sucks 30 317

You deserved it 5 954

Today, while leaving our county courthouse after testifying as the arresting officer in multiple DWI cases, I hit a wrong way sign in the court’s parking lot. All the defense attorneys were outside, asking me if I was drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 764

You deserved it 814

Today, I forbade a student in the writing seminar I instructed from continuing to present his disturbing poems about demons. He responded to this by convincing nearly every other student in the seminar to write and read out loud several of his poems. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 002

You deserved it 8 613

Today, I found out my parents only had me in an attempt to fix their relationship. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 065

You deserved it 1 387