Today, my sister played a prank by pretending to break into my house. I ended up nailing her in the chest with my baseball bat. Now all of my family is bitching and wants me to pay the medical bills. FML

by BlueBaronBitch / 06/24/2016 at 10:59am / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

bella_nana347's comment : Shit. If she broke into your house (or you thought she did), and you thought she was an intruder than you have the right to protect yourself. Maybe she should've thought it through on her part

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Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

by L_M_AND_R_L / 06/24/2016 at 10:15am / United States / Miscellaneous

BlueBaronBitch's comment : Well I guess that's two bitches you don't have to worry about bringing down your special day, congrats though OP

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Today, while drilling holes in "No Smoking" signs for my job, I gave myself a minor cut that would appear to most as a papercut. I then had to fill out 3 double-sided pages of paperwork. FML

by AHHH_REPTAR / 06/23/2016 at 12:54am / United States (South Dakota) / Work

ScratchCatPower's comment : Thought it may be excessive to fill out that much paperwork for what seems to be a simple cut, cuts from drills or metal (puncture wounds) can allow infection of Tetanus, which is dangerous and lethal. Be careful! Any small problems can turn big under the right circumstance.

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Today, my best friend set me up on a blind date. I've discussed the fact I like to date older men, but she thought it was clever to send a 63-year-old to my house to, "Netflix And Chill." FML

by deanlazore / 06/22/2016 at 11:09pm / United States (Maine) / Love

Today, I found out that my brother buys audiobooks only to play them on "mute" so that he can tell everyone that he read them later and flaunt the proof. The rest of my family think he is a genius for reading War and Peace in two days and won't listen to me. FML

by Kiki / 06/23/2016 at 7:54pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Miscellaneous

Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML

by anal-retentive / 06/23/2016 at 4:00pm / United States / Intimacy

Today, I had a cute girl over and we cuddled on my bed. Later she texted me that she had decided that she didn't want to ever do that again because it turned her on. FML

by Malarky / 06/23/2016 at 3:10pm / United States / Love

Today, I was carrying my coffee from the kitchen to the coffee table and couch. Last week I had ACL surgery, so I'm on crutches. Unfortunately, I got the urge to sneeze on my walk to the couch. I didn't make it to the couch before I sneezed and spilled coffee everywhere. FML

by gimpy / 06/23/2016 at 11:00am / United States (Florida) / Health

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

by unemployedaussie / 06/23/2016 at 8:35am / Australia (Western Australia) / Work

Today, my grandma told everyone I'm using steroids and amphetamines, all because she mistook my protein powder and vitamin pills for drugs. FML

by Pelly / 06/23/2016 at 6:26am / Belgium (Antwerpen) / Health

Today, my best friend told me she's been in love with me for over 4 years. I'm getting married to the man of my dreams in a month and she's supposed to be my bridesmaid. "Awkward" doesn't even begin to describe our friendship right now. FML

by Mimo / 06/23/2016 at 6:18am / Egypt / Love

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

by Naulwenn / 06/23/2016 at 12:25am / Miscellaneous

Today, on holiday in Japan, I got confused and booked a room in a Love Hotel. I’m single. FML

by 832v / 03/15/2015 at 10:00am / Japan