by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 12:11pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
hekinokuroihi's comment : Dad was also wondering why his son moaned in ecstasy whilst shaving.
Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML
by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 11:30am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health
hekinokuroihi's comment : She can always make another child, but glasses are hard to come by; not to mention expensive!
Today, I looked in my voicemails on my phone. I recently got a message saying that I got the job, which was very exciting because it's my first job. Too bad it was sent 2 weeks ago and I just got it because I upgraded my phone. FML
by JoblessLoser / 05/31/2016 at 2:55am / United States (Missouri) / Work
by buttercup92 / 05/30/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML
by DaChief / 05/30/2016 at 11:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Love
SmittyJA24's comment : WHY does your GF have access to your email? Control issues? My wife doesn't dig into my email / Facebook / phone calls / etc & I don't look at her stuff.
by Roostermann25 / 05/30/2016 at 9:34pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work
Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML
by -1 Pair of Pants / 05/30/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, I took a restroom break in a Japanese train station. I couldn’t find the toilet flush, so I started pulling on all the available levers. Can some one explain to me why the main alarm lever was in the toilet? FML
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML
by Anonymous / 05/30/2016 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by tigerbyrn / 05/30/2016 at 11:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML
by eebie jeebies / 05/30/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Texas) / Animals
by halza / 05/30/2016 at 7:03am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Love
Today, straight after we had sex, my boyfriend went to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a long time, but as I also needed to go, I went to check on him. He was trying to urinate into the condom, “just to see what it was like.” FML