Today, my dad asked my brother not to use his shaver so late at night. That wasn't him, and it wasn't his shaver either. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 12:11pm / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy

hekinokuroihi's comment : Dad was also wondering why his son moaned in ecstasy whilst shaving.

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Today, I fell down the stairs while holding some dirty glasses from my room. I ended up pulling pieces of glass from my body. Meanwhile all my mom cares about is the fact that I broke three of her favorite glasses. FML

by Anonymous / 05/31/2016 at 11:30am / Canada (New Brunswick) / Health

hekinokuroihi's comment : She can always make another child, but glasses are hard to come by; not to mention expensive!

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Today, I looked in my voicemails on my phone. I recently got a message saying that I got the job, which was very exciting because it's my first job. Too bad it was sent 2 weeks ago and I just got it because I upgraded my phone. FML

by JoblessLoser / 05/31/2016 at 2:55am / United States (Missouri) / Work

Today, while hiking, I walked face first into a spider web. Freaking out, I shook my hair out in case there was a spider. Later on in the day the spider fell from my hair into my food. FML

by buttercup92 / 05/30/2016 at 11:45pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous

Today, I went to the doctor. They did a test and said they would email me the results. My girlfriend saw the email that said "The test was positive", and now she thinks I'm cheating on her with someone named Doctor Johnson. FML

by DaChief / 05/30/2016 at 11:17pm / United States (Illinois) / Love

SmittyJA24's comment : WHY does your GF have access to your email? Control issues? My wife doesn't dig into my email / Facebook / phone calls / etc & I don't look at her stuff.

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Today, while meeting some of the big boss guys at my new job, one of the men sneezed on his hand and then grabbed mine for a handshake. I felt every gooey bit of his snot between our hands. FML

by Roostermann25 / 05/30/2016 at 9:34pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I leaned over to pick something up and heard a loud "pop" from my waistline, followed by a "clink" on the other side of the room. My pants button had popped off my pants. Time to lose some weight. FML

by -1 Pair of Pants / 05/30/2016 at 3:49pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous

Today, I took a restroom break in a Japanese train station. I couldn’t find the toilet flush, so I started pulling on all the available levers. Can some one explain to me why the main alarm lever was in the toilet? FML

by touche-à-tout / 08/15/2012 at 4:08am / Japan (Tokyo)

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to have some alone time under the stars. Things were getting hot and heavy in my truck bed and clothes went everywhere. After getting dressed, I felt pain. Little did I know that I threw my underwear in an ant pile. I got bit down south, a lot. FML

by Anonymous / 05/30/2016 at 12:35pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy

Today, as I was about to meet my girlfriend's parents, she thought it would be funny to grab my junk and give me a hard-on right before they walked in. I couldn't hide it quickly enough. FML

by tigerbyrn / 05/30/2016 at 11:35am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy

Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML

by eebie jeebies / 05/30/2016 at 11:31am / United States (Texas) / Animals

Today, after a long 16 hour shift, I was milliseconds from sleep when my girlfriend said she "wants to talk". I'm now writing this from the couch. FML

by halza / 05/30/2016 at 7:03am / New Zealand (Canterbury) / Love

Today, straight after we had sex, my boyfriend went to the bathroom. He stayed in there for a long time, but as I also needed to go, I went to check on him. He was trying to urinate into the condom, “just to see what it was like.” FML

by anonyme62 / 04/13/2015 at 5:51am / Cameroon (Nord)