Today, it was my birthday. I got ONE birthday greeting: from my bank, telling me they were closing my account. FML

by Micawber / 01/31/2011 at 8:55am / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Money

Today, while I was waiting at a bus stop, a man stopped at the red light and smiled at me. I smiled back. He blew me a kiss and drove away, just as I realized he was masturbating behind the wheel. FML

by mentallyscarred / 01/31/2011 at 4:34am / United States (California) / Intimacy

Today, I got married and I'd invited everyone from work including my boss. His way of congratulating me was to mention that I'm out of a job. He said it was a good time to do it because he thought I would be too happy or too drunk to care. FML

by freckleboy422 / 01/31/2011 at 4:28am / United States (California) / Work

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she met someone else on World of Warcraft. I've been paying for her subscription. FML

by Thanh Quang / 01/31/2011 at 12:58am / Love

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

by f / 01/31/2011 at 12:47am / Miscellaneous

Today, I went out with a girl I like. After a movie, we went to McDonald's. There was this couple making out. The girl I was with remarked about how lame it would be to go to McDonald's on a date. I thought we were on a date. FML

by gotnogame / 01/30/2011 at 10:13pm / United States (Arizona) / Love

Today, after 2 years together, my boyfriend finally proposed. I excitedly said yes. Just as we began to kiss, my half crazed cat ran in, dropped a half eaten bird at our feet, and promptly threw up on the carpet. FML

by birdguts / 01/30/2011 at 9:34pm / United Kingdom / Animals

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

by madelynn / 01/30/2011 at 9:03pm / United States / Miscellaneous

Today, I was trying to help a very slow-witted client over the phone. After a while, I realised he was just delaying while pleasuring himself to the sound of my voice. FML

by Milly / 01/30/2011 at 2:25pm / United Kingdom (Lancashire) / Intimacy

Today, I found out that in conclusion to working five nights in a row, I'm scheduled to work the night shift on Valentine's day with my ex-boyfriend. FML

by Anonymous / 01/30/2011 at 12:28pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my little brother discovered that bears can be very territorial and will pee on things to keep others away. He took this new found information to heart and peed on various things in the house that he wanted for himself, including my laptop. FML

by Joey / 01/30/2011 at 12:21pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my friend installed this new application that shows you what a girl would look like as a boy and what a boy would look like as a girl. Well I'm a girl and when it was my turn it didn't change. FML

by boylookingirl / 01/30/2011 at 10:30am / United States (Iowa) / Miscellaneous

Today, I was rudely stopped in the park by a woman screaming at me for being a slut for having a baby so young. She got so worked up that she started swearing. Not only was I just babysitting for a friend, I am unable to get the toddler to stop swearing. FML

by QuicksilverMaximoff / 01/30/2011 at 9:46am / United Kingdom (St. Helens) / Kids

ash14's comment : wow she needs to be more worried about how bitchy she's being, instead of how "slutty" you are.

See all the comments