Today, my fiancée and I saw my parents at a store. This would've been a nice surprise if it wasn't a sex shop. FML
Today, my first day at my new job, a guy decided to pay all his parking fines in one go. All £2300 of them. Yes, he did decide to pay it in pennies. Wheelbarrows and buckets full of pennies. That's 230,000 pennies. Guess whose job it was to count them. FML
Today, I found out that while I was in the ICU for having had a life-threatening seizure, my boyfriend was out partying with other girls. His excuse was that he needed to find a new girl if I died. FML
Today, I was feeling a bit randy, so when my boyfriend got home, I jumped on him and gave him a proper deep-tongue kiss. I noticed he tasted a bit weird, so I asked him when he last brushed his teeth. His answer: the day we had dinner with his mother. That was two weeks ago. FML
Today, my 4 year old son excitedly asked me if he'd get to see drones at the zoo. He apparently thinks drones are living creatures. I guess I can go ahead and spend his college savings on shoes. FML
Today, I had to go to the hospital because I broke my leg in a sex accident. The doctor is my boyfriend's mom. I had to explain everything to her. FML
Today, I drove a total of 4 hours for my boss to demote me, downgrade my pay, and make the kid I hired my new boss. Why? Because I asked about the $500 missing from my paycheck. FML
Today, I went to switch my phone number to a new carrier. During the credit check, I was told that I couldn't because I already had an active account. This came as a surprise, as I've never had an account with that carrier. Time to file a fraud claim. FML
Today, the car I've been saving up for three years, which I bought three weeks ago, was hit by my neighbor who was texting. While it was parked. In my driveway. FML
Today, I told my girlfriend I wanted to tell her something important. Coincidentally, she did too. She wanted to tell me that she thinks she's actually gay. I wanted to tell her I love her. FML
Today, my husband misheard me when I said I wanted a massage with sensual oils. He used essential oils instead. Essential oils are not meant to be used on the skin, trust me. My skin looks like a cross between sandpaper and pus-filled bubble wrap. FML
Today, I found out two of my rats are pregnant. The breeder told us that all of them were male, only one ended up being male. I now have 20+ rat babies on the way and no idea how to take care of them. FML
Today, one of my younger nephews had an epileptic seizure. My mom started to administer wrong treatments she learned from Google. Being a doctor, I told her she'll make it worse. She then told me to shut up because I'm inexperienced, saying that Google has been there longer than I've been a doctor. FML
Today, I found out why my art teacher was so reluctant to return my artwork that he'd borrowed to display. He dropped a white splotch of paint in the centre of my black scratch art, which is irreversible, and tried to cover it up without telling me. I spent 2 months on that thing. FML
Today, I was planning to ask a guy at school out since I had mustered up the confidence to finally tell him how I really felt. I ended up puking on him. FML
Today, my teenage son informed me that when he’s too lazy to walk to the bathroom, he uses the kitchen sink as a toilet. I use that sink every day to wash vegetables for my family's dinner. He doesn't see a problem with this. FML
Today my boyfriend told me that dirty talk with me was like potty training a puppy. FML
Today, after I ran and just caught the train home after work, it took me 4 stops to realise I had driven to work that day. FML
Aujourd'hui, je suis réveillé par le son de la télé alors que ma compagne dort à côté de moi dans le lit. Je vais au salon pour l'éteindre où je découvre mon fils de trois ans en train de jouer à la console. Il est 3h du matin. VDM
Aujourd'hui, même le pharmacien n'a pas réussi à déchiffrer l'ordonnance de mon médecin. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon chéri est excédé par le démarchage téléphonique et il répond donc à la personne qui me demande au téléphone que je suis morte. Sceptique en voyant le numéro, je décide quand même de rappeler. C'était les impôts. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je dis à mon copain que j'ouvrirais bien la saison des raclettes ce week-end. Il m'a répondu que c'était trop tôt.… parce que mon fessier ne se serait pas encore remis de celles de l'hiver dernier. VDM
Aujourd'hui, je suis dans les toilettes du bureau en train de réviser mes arguments pour demander une augmentation quand j'entends la voix de mon chef sortir d'une des cabines : "Ne vous fatiguez pas". VDM
Aujourd'hui, je fais un câlin matinal à ma fille de 3 ans et je lui dis que je l'aime. Elle me repousse et me répond : "Bah moi je t'aime quand t'as pris ta douche !" VDM
Aujourd'hui, à quelques heures de mon mariage, mes règles ont débarqué. Adieu la belle robe blanche. VDM
Aujourd'hui, celui qui est mon compagnon depuis sept ans m'annonce qu'il voit quelqu'un d'autre depuis plusieurs mois. J'ai accouché de notre deuxième enfant il y a dix jours. VDM
Aujourd’hui, mes parents annoncent leur divorce après 40 ans de mariage. Il y a eu des pleurs, de l’incompréhension, de la tristesse, de la colère. Normal, diriez-vous, mais pas quand cet ascenseur émotionnel vient de mon mari, qui leur a dit : "Vous n’avez pas le droit de me faire ça !" VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai 14 ans et j'ai eu le même cadeau de Noël que mon petit frère. Sauf que moi j'ai dû en payer la moitié. VDM
Aujourd'hui, et après des mois à demander à la rencontrer, mon copain me présente enfin sa mère. Tout va bien jusqu'au moment où je m'assois pour passer à table. En face de moi, sur le meuble, trône en effet un grand cadre avec une photo de lui et de son ex à la plage. Ça fait un an qu'on est ensemble. VDM
Aujourd'hui, mon fils a enfin pensé à vider le lave-vaisselle. Seul problème, il était sale. VDM
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