Today, I had a bunch of friends over for a party. My mom came stumbling into my room, crying about how she was officially menopausal, and that I was going to "die an only child." FML
Today, someone finally pointed out that my 'Out of Office' message has been on for a year. FML
Today, after telling my husband how excited I am to be going on a family trip without nieces/nephews because it meant our children will finally bond with each other, his mother took it upon herself to invite our nephew on our trip without asking us. I’m mad at her and my husband is mad at me for being mad at her. FML
Today, after months of talking to this guy on Instagram and convinced this was a sure thing, he wanted proof I was real and not catfishing him. I sent him a picture of me holding a paper with his username. He replied, “Sorry, I didn’t know you were a big girl. I need a healthy girl who takes care of herself.” FML
Today, I was going to surprise my partner with a romantic dinner, but when I got home I realized I had forgotten the main ingredient: the food. FML
Today, I was making out with this guy that I like. In an attempt to be romantic, he tried to pick me up and press me against the wall. He couldn't lift me off the ground. FML
Today, my 36 year-old ex-husband is engaged to my 18 year-old little sister. She’s graduating from high school in May of this year. Our divorce was finalized 3 months ago. My life should be a reality drama show. FML
Today, I offered to help my 15 year-old nephew with taking care of his newborn baby. First thing I see when I enter his room is him playing Mario Kart on his Nintendo Switch, and his child with a full diaper, screaming and crying. FML
Today, I learned that my insecurities regarding my dick size were unfounded, as my girlfriend gushed over my dick and said it was amazing. We then got down to business, and almost immediately heard, "Ow! Fuck, that's my cervix! This hurts! Stop!" FML
Today, my husband got mad at me because I asked if we could have 2 hours out of a 16-day trip to go to the beach, just us and our kids. Why is he mad at me for this? Because his mother will be upset if we go do something by ourselves without her. Her husband and the rest of her family will all be on this 16-day trip. FML
Today, it's been a month since the hair dye that was supposed to be temporary is still making my hair tropically green, now with some added roots making it look even worse. FML
Today, I guess my mom didn't clean her toilet before going on vacation. That’s probably why it’s not only dirty, but the dirt has started to grow mould. Spoiler: She's been back from her trip for a while now, the toilet still looks that way. FML
Today, I told my stepdad 3 times not to unload my new stove by himself, being worried about both the appliance and his bad back. When I came back to the car two minutes later, he'd taken the stove out and was wondering where that huge scratch on the side might have come from. FML
Today, while at the nail salon, my boyfriend called. Since I was getting my nails done, I had to put him on speaker. The whole salon heard him break up with me. I can still hear their snickering in my head. FML
Today, I watched my manager take his entire in tray of customer complaints and tip them straight into the recycling without reading them. At least this explains why we are consistently the “best store in the region for customer satisfaction.” Now I don’t know what to do about what I saw FML
Today, my husband suggested we start making pornos online to make ends meet. I told him, “You bust so quickly, it’ll have to be a TikTok.” He’s been pouting all day. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend by cooking her dinner. I spent hours preparing and making sure everything was perfect. I lit candles, set the table, and even put on some soft music. When she came home, she'd already eaten and wasn't hungry. FML
Today, I had to write, "Do not use to freeze cat," on my bag of ice because my sister's cat died, and she refuses to bury it. FML
Today, I caught my cousin's husband ogling me at a party. I decided to talk to him, but each time he'd avoid me. Eventually I confronted him about staring at me; he then pointed at the front of my dress, my nipple had slightly snuck out of my low-cut dress. FML
Today, I noticed that my coffee mug has a 'dishwasher safe' label. I've been hand washing it for a year. FML
Today, after I hooked up with a guy the other night and we had lots of fun, (or so I thought), I woke up to a text saying, “I feel worthless and disgusting after having sex.” He said he was a virgin and he’s a Christian. FML
Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML
Aujourd'hui, après 7 ans de vie commune et un an de mariage, mon mari m'annonce qu'il pense être tombé amoureux de moi le jour où il a pu péter pour la première fois devant moi sans que je ne dise rien. VDM
Aujourd'hui, et depuis un moment, les seules fois où je glisse mes doigts dans les sous-vêtements de mon épouse c’est quand je les plie et les range. VDM
Aujourd'hui, ma fille de 9 ans me demande, au saut du lit, si je suis maquillée. Je lui réponds que non. Elle me dit : "Pourtant, c'est bleu autour de tes yeux…" Ça s'appelle des cernes. VDM
Aujourd'hui, et durant la nuit, il y a eu un vent violent. J'ai compris d'où venait le fracas entendu à 4h ce matin quand j'ai retrouvé le toit de la pergola du voisin dans mon jardin. VDM
Aujourd'hui, après que ma chérie m'a donné une bouteille de lait avec un bouchon mal vissé, et que tout s'est répandu dans le coffre de ma voiture, ça sent de plus en plus la chèvrerie à mesure que le temps passe, évidemment c'est aujourd'hui que j'ai proposé du covoiturage à ma cheffe. VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai accompagné une amie à son cours de yoga. Je suis tellement souple que je suis restée coincé lors d'une posture. VDM
Aujourd'hui, jeune vendeur dans une boutique de prêt à porter de luxe, je m'occupe d'une cliente. Sa petite fille, qui l'accompagnait, m'a demandé d'un coup : "Et vous aussi, vous êtes à vendre ?" VDM
Aujourd'hui, j'ai acheté un système pour apprendre à mon chat à faire popo dans les toilettes. Sa litière est maintenant toujours propre, car il fait popo partout dans l'appartement. VDM
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