AndreMAS

killmyself 23 January 2009, 19:50 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, I was masturbating lying on the lower bed of my brother's and my bunk beds. I finished jacking off and tried to get up to clean myself I hit my head on metal panel of the upper bed and passed out. Later woke up in my bed... found out my parents came home and saw me passed out naked holding a porn mag. FML

43 comments

Boredom 26 January 2009, 21:09 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Caught

Today, I tried to suck my own penis. Autofellatio. My mother walked in on me and I flipped backwards off the bed. ER and 10 stiches above my eyebrow later, I asked her not to ever bring it up again. FML

202 comments

DDD 31 January 2009, 15:04 France 🌶️ Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy. As he was sleeping next to me, I checked his Facebook messages and saw that he sent a message to one of his buddies, asking what kind of lotion helps get rid of crabs. FML

113 comments

thermos 3 February 2009, 23:47 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Morning motivation

Today, I had a sexy dream, woke up and started to masturbate quite vigorously. When I finished, I hopped off the top bunk naked to see my brother and his girlfriend laying in the bottom bunk. FML

62 comments

Barrel 5 February 2009, 07:57 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

115 comments

ruffrider 5 February 2009, 14:09 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

99 comments

phobopohobia 6 February 2009, 22:09 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

47 comments

hahahehehohohoo 7 February 2009, 03:55 United States 🌶️ Spicy

Today, my boyfriend handcuffed me to the bed, naked. Someone pulled the fire alarm, and my boyfriend couldn't find the key. So he left me, and the Resident Advisor found me. The fireman had to cut the chain. FML

192 comments

thunder thighs 11 February 2009, 03:11 United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

45 comments

Noname 26 February 2009, 15:30 United States

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

972 comments