rs56984

Today, my best friend told me she wanted to rape my throat. I did not know that was possible. FML

Today, I had to give a speech on stage at a local preschool about fire safety. I'm 32 years-old and passed out on stage because I felt extremely nervous and intimidated by a group of 4 year-olds. FML

Today, I was in IKEA, furniture shopping with my dad. He was looking at one couch that was particularly small. I said "dad that couch is for like a midget." I look over to see a midget looking at me, sitting on the same couch in a different color. He definitely heard me. FML

Today, my parents asked if I wanted to go to military school so I said, "Yeah, that would be awesome," thinking it was a joke. They weren't joking. FML

Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML

Today, I learned that "Officer, I do not consent to any searches" means "Officer, please handcuff me, I am trying to be difficult" in cop speak. FML

Today, my friends thought it would be funny to try and break a watermelon on my head while I was asleep on the couch. FML

Today, I was woken up by my own fart. FML

Today, a really hot guy smacked my ass. I farted. FML