Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML
Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML
Today, my mom was helping me clean out stuff from college. She opened a box and took out some anal beads I got as a gag gift. She asked, "What are these?" I answered, "They are for massaging your back". She then insisted I show her. I massaged my mother with anal beads. FML
Today, I carved a pumpkin for Halloween. I thought it would be cool to carve my name, and have it shine through onto the wall behind it. I figured that if I carved my name backwards then it would show up correct on the wall. My name's Lana and now my wall says Anal. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were fooling around in bed, when suddenly, he turned to me and started playing with my breasts as if they were turn tables and he was the DJ. FML
Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says, "Wow, this is just too funny." FML
Today, I noticed that after a month of using my gel, it never seems to empty. I then found out my older brother and his friends had been pumping their man-juice into it. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
Today, my boyfriend called my vagina "Chewbacca". FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His Wi-Fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, I drank a fifth of vodka before I took my political science final. My professor later called me to tell me that I had written "Obama is a beautiful chocolate man" to every essay question. FML
Today, my parents were coming to visit me at my brand new apartment. I made dinner and served them the cake my roomate had left for me in the fridge. Thirty minutes after they left, I was so baked that I couldn't think straight. I still don't know if my parents made it home. FML
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