Mr Corapeake, USA 32 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was on my back porch having a cigarette. Not being all that awake yet, I threw the butt, still smoldering, on the ground. Did I remember that there was an ashtray right next to me? No. I did what I would do at work; I stamped it out. Barefoot. FML
Today, my house got watermeloned. Not egged, watermeloned. FML
Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML
Today, I realized the reason my 20-year-old daughter has been so moody and aggressive is because she missed the promotional My Little Pony toys at McDonald's. FML
Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML
Today, while driving with my puppy in the passenger seat, he jumped out of the window. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I got intimate with each other for the first time. He shoved his hand down my pants, touched about an inch away from my clitoris, and whispered, "Cummm" in my ear. I doubt I'll have an orgasm ever again. FML
Today, I had the best sex of our relationship with my boyfriend. Afterwards, he took off his condom, looked me sweetly in the eyes for a few moments, then decided to slap me in the face with it. FML
Today, my girlfriend donated most of my book collection because she got me a Kindle for Christmas. Some were signed, including my Harry Potters. FML
Today, I came home to find my girlfriend crying. Concerned, I quickly asked her what was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understand why her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet, and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now, but for entirely different reasons. FML
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