The_Hitchhiker

Today, I broke my nose by sneezing too close to a table. FML

Today, my sister lost a leg. Immediately after hearing the news, my boyfriend started cracking jokes about getting her a job at IHOP. FML

Today, I got a call from my 8 year-old son's teacher. Apparently, my kid has been charging girls a quarter to touch his "special area." FML

Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML

Today, my husband and I had just got over a big argument, and I asked him to cut me some cucumbers for my eyes to help me relax. I was laying down, eyed closed, and he set them on my eyes. They weren't cucumbers, they were lemons. FML

Infuriating

Today, my husband declined a $100k/year job due to him thinking that a full-time job at one work place would be too "depressing." I'm a nurse and have to wipe other people's arses for a living, then come home to this lazy dick. FML

Today, while I was waiting in line at McDonald's, I found out I can sneeze, pee, and poop all at the same time. FML

Today, my mother refused to agree with any of my logic because it's "not in The Bible." She can't find any fault with it, just refuses to agree with it. FML

Today, I went to a great concert. Against all odds, I got to meet the band. All I had for them to autograph was a flyer protesting their concert that was given to me on the way in. FML

Drama!

Today, my distraught mom called me, saying my dad had killed himself and to come home right away. After cussing out my math teacher for trying to stop me and rushing back home in a taxi, I ran into the living room, only to find my parents laughing so hard they were practically in tears. FML

Cue Rockwell

Today, I received a string of blank texts from an unknown number. When I asked who it was, I got a list of every place I've been over the last three days. I'm scared to leave the house. FML