rsuchy

Today, I woke up to one of my hamsters cannibalizing the other. FML

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

Today, my downstairs neighbor died. I knew because the smell wafted up to my apartment. FML

Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML

Guildy pleasure

Today, my social anxiety got so bad that I nearly had a panic attack when too many people joined my World of Warcraft party. FML

Today, my mom tried to give me the sex talk, while I was mounting my boyfriend. FML

**** McGee

Today, on my way to work, I had to squeeze by a man sitting in a large truck parked next to my car. I was in a bit of a hurry and in my rush, the collar of my shirt got caught on his grill. My shirt ripped and I flashed the guy my entire boob. FML

Today, I found out that my resume contained the word "masturbation" in the skills section, courtesy of a practical joke by my best friend. I have been using this CV unsuccessfully for over two months. FML

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

Today, whilst stacking the dish washer I dropped a steak knife. Luckily, I caught it just before it hit my foot. I fist-pumped to celebrate my amazing catch and stabbed myself in the cheek. My parents couldn't stop laughing all the way to the hospital. FML

Wankers of the world unite!

Today, I found out why teenage boys have "Keep out" and "Please knock" signs on their bedroom doors. FML

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML