killthepresident

Today, I woke up with my face sharpied. I live alone. FML

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

Today, I had to explain to my son that his dad was too busy in a raid on World of Warcraft to be at his award ceremony. FML

Today, I found out that you can get arrested for holding up a 'free hugs' sign. FML

Today, my son learned about various animals in school, and how they urinate to mark their territory. Apparently, the entire second floor of my house is now my son's territory. FML

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

Today, I noticed that my neighbor's house has a clear view of my daughter's bathroom. There is a telescope in his window. FML

Happy Valentine's Day anyway

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a "capitalistic consumerism holiday." He works in a bank and helps "capitalistic consumerism" 364 days a year. FML

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML