Today, I couldn't contain my laughter when a patient told me she'd named her unborn daughter Twinkie. FML
Today, I moved in with my new roommate. She's a vegetarian, and won't let me put my meat in the fridge because it will "contaminate her food". FML
Today, while helping my father build a shelf, I suggested that we should probably use the instruction manual. He suggested I should probably shut the fuck up and do it his way. FML
Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML
Today, I bought a key finder that responds to loud, high-pitched, annoying tones. It beeps every time I talk. FML
Today, my toaster scared me. Again. FML
Today, my mother called me a "wasteful child" because I threw up my lunch. FML
Today, I realized my self confidence is based on the amount of "likes" I have on my Facebook statuses. FML
Today, a man crashed into my car. He then got out of his car, dug a toothbrush and toothpaste out of his bag, and tried to brush away the damage. FML
Today, I was kicked out of a comedy club for laughing too loudly. FML
Today, I was walking home when an old guy came up to me asking for directions. After I pointed him in the right direction, he held my hand, stroked my face then pushed me into a bush. FML
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