Today, I texted my boyfriend of 6 months saying that I was in the mood, and that I was in bed, and naked. He texted back saying "U got fingers, use them, im going to bed xoxo". FML
Today, I was trying to have sex with my boyfriend, David. I moaned his name and he whispered, "I'm not David." Then, with an Italian accent, he said, "It's-a-me! Mario!" FML
Today, I got my lip pierced. By the orthodontist. FML
Today, I found a very large pumpkin super-glued to my car. It will not come off. FML
Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML
Today, my drunk father chased me down the street with my little brother's light saber screaming, "Come back Yoda! Teach me how to use the force!" FML
Today, I surprised my four year-old daughter with a stuffed dinosaur. She named it "Horny". FML
Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML
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