Today, my family and I went on a picnic in the park 45 minutes drive away from our house. I fell asleep beneath a tree. They left me there. FML
Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML
Today, I was out walking my dog. I was throwing a stick in the lake so he could go get it (he loves swimming). A friend called me. After I was done calling, another friend came by, and we talked for a while. When my dog barked, I accidentally threw my iPhone into the water instead of his stick. FML
Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML
Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML
Today, I was singing the National Anthem at a school game and totally forgot the words. So I kept singing the same two lines over and over. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend trying on my bra. He still has no excuse. FML
Today, I was looking through some old family photos. I don't know what the hell was going on in my head, but I idly double-tapped on one to zoom in. They were prints. FML
Today, I looked over my next homework assignment for art class. It was to draw a portrait of my best friend. I can't think of anyone besides my mother. FML
Today, an African-American family came into the restaurant at which I work. They said, "Jackson, party of 5." After I laughed, I realized they were serious. FML
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