Today, thinking I was alone in a public bathroom, I started singing the words to my favorite song. A minute later that I heard a toilet flush, so I just sat there petrified. The other person sarcastically picked up the singing from where I left off. FML
Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His Wi-Fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, I thought it'd be funny to knee my sister's ass as she was bending over. What I didn't realise was that she was trying to pick up a spider. In shock, she threw it in the air and it landed on my chest. I ran into a wall trying to get it off. FML
Today, while at my boyfriend's house, my stomach began to hurt really badly, so I excused myself to take a shit. I let it all out. Later on, his dad went to the bathroom and yelled, "Goddamn son, what the hell did you do in here?!" FML
Today, I had to utter the phrase "OK, but no cape during sex" to my girlfriend. FML
Today, I was at Target deciding what chap-stick to get when an old lady violently hit me with her umbrella and kept yelling at me saying, "You are too young for this! Think twice!" FML
Today, while riding in the car with my mother, we got into an argument, at which point she pulled the vehicle over, took the key out of the ignition and used it to turn off the passenger airbag. She then continued driving in silence. FML
Today, I finally lost my virginity. In my boyfriend's racecar bed. FML
Today, this girl who has been stalking me for almost 7 months sent me a 12 page text comparing her love for me with her passion for cheese. FML
Today, I caught my husband farting on my wind-chime in an attempt to make it ring. It did. FML
Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML
Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML
Today, I went to Walmart with my Dad, and he decided to kick me in the butt while I was walking. When I went to kick him back, I hit my own leg out from beneath myself and landed on my face. The most embarrassing thing was that the people who saw all started clapping. FML
Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML
Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML
Today, my dad finally decided to give me the "sex talk." It was going fine until he said, "If you ever decide to have sex, picture my face like this" and pointed to his face, which had a creepy, intense stare. He just ruined sex for me. Forever. FML
Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML
Today, our dog peed on nearly all the wrapped gifts under our Christmas tree. FML
Today, I saw my dad sitting in the car alone, blaring classical music, blowing up beach balls. FML
Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML
Today, my boyfriend gave me a dutch oven, with my own fart. FML
Today, my girlfriend referred to her yeast infection as "making bread." I can never look at bread the same way. FML
Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML
Today, I was taking people's orders at the drive-thru. I was confused as to why people were screaming their orders at me, until one of my managers handed me a paper that he'd found taped to the menu, saying "speak loudly speaker isn't working properly." Punkd. FML
Today, I was at the park feeding nuts to some squirrels. One fell down my shirt and the next thing I know I'm being attacked by a squirrel that looked like it was on steroids. FML
Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML
Today, I received my first phone call of the new year. It was the police station informing me that my elderly grandmother has been arrested for indecent exposure. FML
Today, while I was in the break room at work, one of my coworkers walked in on me playing with my animal crackers, complete with animal noises. Now, the entire department won't stop teasing me and calling me Tarzan. FML
Today, I was on the train listening to my iPod on shuffle. The "Oompa Loompa" song came on, and slightly amused, I started humming it. It wasn't until I noticed that the man next to me was a midget that I understood the horrified looks I was getting. FML
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