Miss Eucalyptus trees, New York 28 years-old Single
Today, my parents met my boyfriend for the first time. They spent the entire meal trying to convince him to dump me, all while I was sitting right next to him. FML
Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my attractive and seemingly charming neighbor. Yesterday, his house was raided and he was arrested for running a heroin ring. FML
Today, I found that I have a rare side effect to the hydrocodone prescribed after surgery. One pill keeps me up for almost 24 hours. Either I'm in tremendous pain and try to sleep, or I'm not in much pain and stay awake. I can't win. FML
Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML
Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML
Today, I caught my mom using my toothbrush and washcloth again, despite her having both her own bathroom and supplies. I asked her to please not use mine, to which she called me an ungrateful bitch. My dad agreed. Yet they wonder why I've been desperately saving money to move out. FML
Today, I woke up screaming "FUCK OFF!" because I had a dream that someone threw broccoli through my window. FML
Today, my coworker, who I hardly ever speak to, gave me a birthday present. It was an 8,000-word extremely graphic story of how he convinced a lesbian to have anal sex with him in the work bathroom. She had my name and characteristics. I'm the only lesbian he knows. FML
Today, my grandmother got my future mother in law's phone number somehow. She managed to upset her so much that my fiancé now wants to call off the wedding. FML
Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML
Today, I finally told my mom I am a lesbian. She started laughing and said 'Good one honey'. I told her I wasn't joking, and she took my face in her hands and said 'You ARE joking!' Then she left. FML
Today, my friend snuck up on me and yelled, "Gotcha!" I screamed and dropped a gallon of blood-red paint on my new, white kitchen floor. Now it looks like I've murdered someone in my kitchen. FML
Today, I was getting changed in front of my roommate of two years. Feeling comfortable, I took off all my clothes and started putting new clothes on. I asked why she wasn't taking her eyes off my naked body. She said, "I'm loving the view. Didn't you know I'm a lesbian?" FML
Today, in front of a bunch of people on my college campus, my mom grabbed my hand and lead me across the street. I'm 20. FML
Today, my fiancée texts me while out at a restaurant. She told me that she saw one of my high school friends there, and that he asked "How's Douglas doing?". She then asked me who Douglas is. Douglas is my legal name. We've been together for over three years and she didn't know. FML
Today, my maid washed my PS3. Yes, with soap and water. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that lunch with his guys was more important than spending time with me. This is the second year in a row that he has cancelled on me. How do I remember the date so well? It's my birthday. FML
Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML
Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML
Today, my boyfriend bailed on our one year anniversary celebration because his ex girlfriend asked him to go to a wedding with her and pose as her fake boyfriend. FML
Today, I shadowed an ultrasound technician for my future career. She did an ultrasound on me to show me how to do the job. I found out I was pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend I wouldn't be able to get any time off work to go to Mexico with him, and that we'd have to get our tickets refunded, and reschedule. He said not to bother, and that he already had someone else in mind to take with him. FML
Today, due to "severe cuts to the budget" at work, I had to stir my coffee with a paperclip. FML
Today, I met a girl I used to make fun of in high school. She was taking my fingerprints after I was arrested. FML
Today, my husband and I are still having a dumb fight over remodeling. He's decided to take an immature route and pretends to be asleep whenever I walk into a room so he doesn't have to talk about it. Earlier, he pretended to fall asleep at the dinner table. FML
Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML
Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML
Today, after making love to my boyfriend for the first time, he shook my hand and said, "Good job." FML
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