kayray11

Today, I masturbated 3 times to the thought of my wife because we don't have sex anymore. FML

Didn't see ya there!

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the crosswalk. Suddenly, I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

Judgmental much!?

Today, I came home to find that my room had been ransacked. My mom comes out of nowhere and says that we need to have a talk. I freaked out thinking it was all the empty alcohol bottles under my bed. My mom holds up the birth control and says, "I always knew you were a whore." FML

Today, I asked my girlfriend when she would give me a blowjob. She replied, "you know that won't happen, I'm a vegetarian." FML

Bullseye

Today, my mother called me and told me that she went to the hospital. This wasn't a surprise 'cos she normally goes to the hospital for the smallest things. I was a smartass and asked, "What now? You finally have lung cancer from all those cigarettes?" Apparently, she does. FML

Cool beans

Today, I got a call from a girl I know, asking if I could babysit her little brother at my house tonight. I said yes. When the boy came over, he mentioned that his sister was having a party and didn't want him there. Turns out all my friends were invited except me. FML

Running

Today, I completed my 6-month training program for a track competition this weekend. I went to the park to run anyways because I needed some air after my boyfriend broke up with me. After one lap, my neighbor's 130 lb dog ran across the soccer field and jumped on me to say hi. My leg is broken. FML

Today, my mom told me she spent $760 on "quantum pendants" that "produce scalar energy that helps to enhance the body’s biofield." When I told her she got scammed, she denied it and yelled at me. Best part? She frequently lectures me about how I waste my money and spend irresponsibly. FML

A matter of some urgency

Today, I was sitting in my chemistry class when a sick girl behind me asked, "Can I go to the bathroom?" My teacher, being a smart ass said, "Don't you mean MAY I use the bathroom?" Meanwhile, the girl behind me started throwing up all over her desk… and me. FML

Shut up

Today, I was working as a manager of the local movie theater. A six year-old came in with no parents or anyone else. When I asked him where his parents were, he looked at me and said, "Shut up white boy, I don't have to listen to your shit." I just got told by a six year-old. FML

Harmless, huh?

Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a five minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML

Today, was my graduation from a prestigious university. In two days I start working at a hot dog stand. FML

Today, my best friend and I performed a rap to our whole school. The rap was "made up" by our friend. After the performance, a lot of friends asked me why I did a rap from Hannah Montana. Apparently the rap was off of a show for 8 year olds. We are 17 and people think we watch Hannah Montana. FML

TMI

Today, my dad asked me to unpack the groceries he'd brought home. When he saw me come across a bottle of lube, then he told me how my mom had hit menopause and, as a result, her vaginal dryness made sex harder for the two of them. FML

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

Today, I bought my girlfriend an iPhone. I preloaded it with a bunch of cool apps and stuff and spent a lot and money. She used it to send a text to me 3 hours later saying that she thought we should break up. FML

Today, my two year old daughter was playing in the kitchen. I went to go have a look and she was pretend cooking. When I asked what she was making she said "look mommy, chocolate!" and stuck her finger in my mouth. It wasn't chocolate. FML

Left out in the cold

Today, I checked Facebook, only to find out that my close cousin is now married. When I looked at the pictures, I saw that my whole family was there - including my sister, mother and father. I was the only one who wasn't invited. FML

Today, I logged onto facebook, and saw that one of my friends had just listed herself as in a relationship. I was happy for her, so I clicked the "like" button. Then I went to her page to see who her new boyfriend was. It was my boyfriend. FML

Today, at 3:00 am, I sat with my 3 year-old daughter while she tried to go back to sleep. She'd had a nightmare, and I'd read that "not leaving" was the most important thing a father could do. My wife woke and called me a pervert for sitting there. FML

Not much better

Today, I received a text from my girlfriend in which she broke up with me. I was upset, but one minute later another text from her said, "Sorry, wrong person." FML

The red knob incident

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

Today, I was using a Kodak Picture Maker in Walmart. I needed help using the machine so the lady that works there came over and tried to load my pictures. I heard some snickering behind me from the people in line. Turns out the pictures loaded. Even the nude ones I forgot about. FML

New name just dropped

Today, my ex decided he wanted to start calling me "Pup." I jokingly said, "Please! Call me anything but that! Sausage face even! Just anything but that!" Later, we went bowling with a large group of friends. He put my name in the board as "Sausage Face." Everyone agreed it will be my new name. FML

Today, I finally got an interview at a restaurant after looking for a job for three months. I dressed nice, and the interview was going well until this blonde girl in booty shorts and fishnets walked in. The manager hired her on the spot. FML

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

Today, I asked my boyfriend if I looked alright for our date. He said, "Honey, you look fine, just don't go out in public like that." FML

Today, I talked to my crush for half an hour. It wasn't until I was home that I realised I had some remains of the sausage roll I ate an hour earlier spread all over my teeth. FML

Today, my boyfriend got so drunk that he was sick in the taxi, sick on me, then sick on himself when he was sitting on the toilet. What's more, I can't get into bed because he's been sick all over my half of the bed. So I'm sleeping on the sofa tonight. FML

Today, I started an awesome job with competitive pay. I also found out that the place is closing its doors in June. FML