Today, I was eating ice cream and I noticed some on my jeans so I wiped it off with my finger and licked it. It was bird shit. FML
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
Today, my husband dropped me off at work. Ten minutes later, I got a text saying, "I just dropped the bitch off, I'll be there in a few baby, miss you". I later asked him about it. He said, "Megan, I have no idea what you're talking about." My name isn't Megan. Not even close. FML
Today, I was walking when a man pointed a camera at me. I got bitchy about it, and said "Did I say you could take a picture?" He replied with, "No, but can you get the fuck out of the way so I can take one of my wife and kids?" I turned around, and they were right behind me. FML
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to help, I slowly say, "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says, "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML
Today, I work at McDonalds. I burned my hand while cleaning their grill and have a 2nd/3rd degree burn from my pinky to my wrist. When told about this, my manager told me that there was "nothing that they could do for me and to tough it out". However I was given a free McFlurry. FML
Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML
Today, I was helping my friend create an online dating profile. When she got her search results, her #1 match was a blonde guy only 10 miles from her. His description: genuine, laid back, and ready for fun. He left off something kind of important. He's already married. To me. FML
Today, I tried to jump through the closing train doors to make it in on time. I missed. FML
Today, I was told I look like Susan Boyle. FML
Today, it was my first day as a mailman. One of the houses got a bunch of cards, and the owner coincidentally opened the door as I arrived. So I said to the owner that someone in the house must really be popular. He replied, "She died this Tuesday." FML
Today, I was sucking on a Tic Tac. Just as I was starting to get into it, the Tic Tac suddenly shot down my throat. After a minute of coughing and gagging, it came back up… out my left nostril. FML
Today, I arrived home to find my cat dead and note saying, "Sorry, I tripped over him." Not only is my cat dead, but I was robbed by a polite thief. FML
Today, while I was in my room sleeping, my little brother deemed it necessary to come in and drop a book on my face. When I sat up with a now bloody nose, he looked at me, pointed, and said "You've just been Facebooked" and ran away giggling. FML
Today, my manager told me to throw out some of the old toys at the daycare we work at. I can't because I've seen Toy Story 3, and thinking about them in a dump makes me cry. I'm 28. FML
Today, my fire alarm startled me so badly that I shat myself. FML
Today, I wore a Super Mario Brothers T-shirt to school that showed a picture of Mario with a mushroom above his head. I got suspended for "referencing illegal drugs". FML
Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML
Today, I changed the date of my birthday to today on Facebook to see how many people actually know my birthday. My mom wished me a happy birthday. FML
Today, I spent fifteen minutes looking for my phone in my car before I realized I was using it as a flashlight. FML
Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML
Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML
Today, I had to dig up my twin boys birth certificates for baseball registration. Turns out I had been calling both of them by the other twin's name for eight and a half years. FML
Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML
Today, my drunk brother thought I could withstand a metal chair being slammed across my back like on the wrestling shows. I guess he didn't know that the shows are fake. FML
Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML
Today, my fiancé broke off our engagement after he saw one of my baby pictures. He said our future kids "just wouldn't look right." FML
Today, while at the beach, I was mistaken for Snooki. FML
Today, I peeked through my window and trained a pair of binoculars on my neighbour's house. Every night without fail, he ends up standing in front of his window topless to flex his muscles. This time, I was surprised to instead find a note taped to the window saying, "Sorry, I'm out tonight." FML
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