Miss 29 years-old Single
Today, I asked my aunt to pluck my eyebrows since hers are perfectly done. What I didn't know is she gets hers professionally shaped and she doesn't know how to shape eyebrows. I now look like a surprised Vulcan. FML
Today, I went out to eat dinner with my family to celebrate my 18th birthday. I playfully put 3 straws between my knuckles to make myself look like Wolverine. I turned to my 6 year old nephew and asked, "Who am I?" He then replied, "An idiot." FML
Today, my daughter turned one month old. I decided to give her a congratulatory kiss on the cheek. She decided to projectile vomit warm breastmilk into my partially open mouth. FML
Today, I yelled at my dog for waking me up growling and barking out the window. He was doing it at the person stealing my car. FML
Today, my house got robbed, while I was upstairs taking a dump. FML
Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML
Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML
Today, I was standing outside a store about to flirt with this guy when my mother drove up and shouted, "Hurry up, I have diarrhea!" FML
Today, I finally got around to writing my Christmas cards. After finishing, I realized I had written "Happy Birthday" instead of "Merry Christmas" on every single one. FML
Today, I decided to take a nap while listening to my iPod, on the lowest volume possible. My girlfriend woke me up by turning the volume all the way up. I still can't hear out of both ears. FML
Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML
Today, my 7 year-old looked at me and stated, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML
Today, I was in a shoe store. I picked up a shoe so I could look at it, but when I put it back on the shelf, the whole shelf fell down, making all the shoes fall to the ground. The people behind the counter started clapping. FML
Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML
Today, I broke my wrist because a Nutella glass fell on it after I opened the cupboard. FML
Today, my best friend planned a birthday party for me at the local Mexican restaurant. NO ONE showed up. We'd told the waiter there would be 18 arriving. Two hours later he brought me free ice cream. Even the non-English speaking waiters knew I was a loser. FML
Today, I cut my finger at work while chopping some vegetables. I grabbed the nearest rag I could to stop the bleeding and put it on the cut. I didn't know the rag had just been used to clean up a lemon juice spill. FML
Today, my 4-year-old niece told me she likes it when I'm around because I'm "squishy and smell like fried chicken all the time." FML
Today, my step-mom yelled at me for an hour, calling me a slut because our male dog saw me naked. FML
Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML
Today, I was proposed to in a McDonald's. FML
Today, I have both a cold and a period. Tomorrow, I will have a cold, my period and my wisdom teeth taken out. FML
Today, my family and I were about to watch the video my dad took of me walking across the stage at my high school graduation. Turns out he recorded the wrong kid. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me using Lady GaGa lyrics. FML
Today, I slipped on the wet floor at work and sprained my wrist badly. I was carrying the wet floor sign so no one would slip. FML
Today, my boyfriend decided that a good time to have our first kiss was on a roller-coaster, right before a huge drop. He bit through my lip. FML
Today, I walked into my bedroom, only to find out that my bed is missing. I have no idea where it is. FML
Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML
Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML
Today, I found out that there is literally a giant hole in my son's bedroom because my son wanted to build a "secret entrance." FML
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