Miss Boyds, MD 40 years-old In a relationship
Today, I was out shopping. It was fine until my dental crossbow broke as I was laughing. The springs locked, and I couldn't close my mouth. The orthodontist couldn't see me for two hours, leaving me to walk around town with my mouth hanging open like a psychopath. FML
Today, I realized that my 3 year-old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year-old father. FML
Today, I had a parent-teacher conference with my 8 year old son. He'd written "Chuck Norris" as the answer for every question on his test. FML
Today, as I was standing in the checkout line in a store, my six year-old daughter proudly announced to everyone that I fell asleep on the toilet last night. FML
Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML
Today, I let my son drive us home. After just 10 feet, he crashed into a parked cop car. It was my squad car. FML
Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML
Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML
Today, I had an orgasm for the first time in almost three months. My husband was beaming, saying he had given it his all and was ecstatic that he had finally satisfied me. But to be honest, I'd remembered we had a bag of potato chips in the kitchen. FML
Today, I was rear-ended while at a stop sign, by my driving instructor. FML
Today, one of my students corrected the problem I had solved on the board, explaining that you do multiplication before subtraction. I teach the second grade. FML
Today, my boyfriend said that to be extra careful he's been taking my birth control pills too. FML
Today, I walked outside my house to find my father in nothing but his underwear, spraying ants with ant-killer, laughing like a maniac and screaming, "Die bitches! Die!" FML
Today, the guy at Subway asked if I wanted to make my sandwich a footlong. I'm not sure what came over me, but before I realized what I was saying, I'd told him that I couldn't handle 12 inches. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate sniffing my underwear. He said he was checking if they were clean, so he could borrow them later. Which may have been reasonable, if I weren't still sleeping in them. FML
Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years-old. FML
Today, I approached my daughter and told her she needs to clean her room. Her response was, "Thank you Captain Obvious." She's 4. FML
Today, my five year old ran down the street wearing nothing but flip flops, Star Wars underwear, and a baseball helmet. He was swinging a badminton racket while screaming "THIS IS SPARTA!" My neighbors watched laughing as I had to run after him down the street in my pajamas. FML
Today, I uploaded my latest picture onto a photography website. It only got one comment, and even that was from someone advising me to never use the same hideous model ever again. It was a self-portrait. FML
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