Today, I found out about bitcoin around 2012 when it cost $20. I had about $40k of money to invest at the time. That would be about 2,000 BTC. If I'd just bought and held onto it until now, it would be worth $60,000,000. FML
Today, I’m coming to accept that my wife’s relationship with her phone and her social media is deeper and more intimate than it will ever be with me. I can’t afford to leave her, her sister's a lawyer, she’ll take everything I still love in the divorce. I hate my life. FML
Today, I hosted a New Year’s Eve party, but everyone left at 11:45 PM to go to another party because "it sounded more fun." I rang in the new year alone. FML
Today, I’m in Sweden. This morning, I went out to get the mail in my pajamas. Well, it doesn’t only happen in the movies: if you slam the door, all the snow of the roof will fall on your head. FML
Today, my car ran out of battery. I'm writing this from the middle of the road. FML
Today, it’s been two weeks since I’ve been in Hungary. I make the most of being away from home by dieting, eating for lunch every day a pot of really nice yoghurt with fresh fruit. I learned this morning that “Tejfol” doesn’t mean “yoghurt”, but “cream”. FML
Today, my parents said they were cutting me off for saving a kitten's life and wanting to keep it. I am 40 years-old and don't get any money from them. FML
Today, I felt so affection-deprived that I gave myself pep talks in order to feel less lonely. FML
Today, my mother refuses to acknowledge that I’m married because instead of a church, we got married outdoors in a lovely pagan ceremony (with a real marriage licence from the city council, obviously) and she keeps trying to introduce me to nice, single men from church. FML
Today, my 58 year-old mother told me she’s having a baby. Apparently she hasn’t started menopause yet, but assumed from her age she wouldn’t get pregnant when she started seeing a man she goes to bingo with. 58 years-old. My little brother/sister is going to be 36 years younger than me. FML
Today, I'm very tired because last night my cat decided to announce to the world that another cat had wandered into the backyard at the top of his lungs. At 2 AM. FML
Today, some woman ran up, hugged me from behind, and called me another dude's name. When she saw my face, she apologised for getting the wrong person, and ran off. Perfectly innocent, right? Nope. My wife is forcing me to sleep in another room until I admit I’m having an affair. FML
Today, my mom announced that she's getting back together with my stepdad, who just got out of prison. He was in prison because he beat her, choked her, and caused her to have a miscarriage. FML
Today, I got yelled at by my mother for making noise after midnight. What was the noise? The microwave as I made something to eat. I work the night shift and had just come home from work, and I'm the only person in this house with a job. Apparently, me not paying her overdue bills cancels that out. FML
Today, holding my teenager's hand at the hospital, I unfortunately had a front row seat as a nurse manipulated his penis trying to pop a ball bearing out of his urethra. He had been curious to see if it fit. It did. And no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t pee it out, so off to the hospital we went. FML
Today, I went to a family gathering and was asked by multiple relatives why I was still single. Trying to lighten the mood, I joked that in fact I do have a secret admirer. My little cousin yelled out, "Is it your cat?" He was right, even though, come to think about it, I'm not sure my cat even likes me all that much. FML
Today, I ignored my wife's phone calls at work, since all she ever wants to do is complain or talk about chores and projects. An hour later, security called my desk. She'd shown up at work to bitch me out for ignoring her. Now I'm the laughing stock of my workplace. FML
Today, my husband asked if he could join Tinder for some “hookups and that’s it” because he’s tired of jerking off. I told him, “Absolutely not.” He thinks I’m being selfish and inconsiderate. I’m 7 months pregnant; in fact, I offered to have pregnant sex with him. He said that my belly turns him off, “no offense.” FML
Today, an overweight coworker of mine was saying that her favorite mythical creatures was Mermaids, because she considers them graceful, carefree and aesthetically beautiful, like her. I absentmindedly blurted out, “Not with that body.” The word “Sorry” didn’t cut it for the write up I received. FML
Today, my mom was on the phone when she decided to blurt out that she got me probiotics for my stomach issues. FML
Today, when I dropped my 6-year-old daughter off at school, a little boy ran up to her so I asked his name. My daughter explained: "Oh, don't pay any attention to him, he's my slave. He's come to carry my bag. See you later, mom!" FML
Today, my throat itches and I'm congested. It's Friday, the day I'm supposed to be heading down to help my folks clean out their basement. I have had to cancel on them for two weeks now because this seems to always hit me on a Friday. I want to help, but don't want to infect my parents, who are in their late 60s and mid 70s. FML
Today, and most nights, my 17 year-old twins scream and shout while playing Fortnite. I asked if they could kindly not tonight, as I was tired and needed sleep. One told me I couldn't tell him to get off, he's allowed to play. I turned the WiFi off, which ended up with the other screaming and swearing how unfair i was. Now I can't sleep. FML
Today, although I received a good grade for my science project, it was disqualified for the science fair that I'd hoped to enter. A beautiful scale model of our solar system was ruined by the Cro-Magnons in one of the other classes; I found pieces of it scattered all over the classroom. The teacher did nothing. FML
Today, I was pulled into an office by the head of my college department. I was told that I was “making someone uncomfortable” but refused to elaborate on who it was, or what I’d done wrong. How am I supposed to fix a problem if I don’t know what the problem is? FML
Today, I have to make a hard decision on whether I should move on and free my boyfriend from me and let him do his own thing while I do my own, or resolve our differences. Advice needed. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that I'm "almost" his perfect woman, and that if I wanted to be the perfect woman, I needed to start eating his ass. Yeah, no. See you never. FML
Today, I went to the beach with friends. While splashing around in the ocean and waving to my friends who were sitting on the sand, I got caught in a strong current and had to be rescued by a lifeguard. They gave me a wristband that said, "Needs Adult Supervision". FML
Today, I went to dinner with my husband's family to celebrate our nephew's birthday. He spent the entire dinner flirting with his sister, then got offended when I said that his behavior was weird. FML
Today, my grandma died. I was very very close to her, but now my kids are grieving the loss of their great grandma. Between my 7 year-old getting extremely mad, my 5 year-old being super whiny/needy, I'm getting no sleep as my 3 year-old is almost constantly having nightmares. I've yet to get my time to grieve and I'm tired. FML
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