Today, I was so tired that I thought the item I'd ordered a few months ago had been delivered then stolen, so I emailed the company about it. When I checked back on the website, I realized it hadn't actually been delivered yet and I read the invoice wrong. FML
Today, I texted my cousin to ask if he and his wife got the baby onesie I sent, as they are expecting their first child together. Turns out they got it, but it upset his wife as she had recently lost the baby. No one had told me before. FML
Today, I bought a used car from a friend of mine. After getting the car home and further inspecting it, I found one of my wife's earrings in the backseat. FML
Today, I completed a jigsaw puzzle. Almost. You see, there's a problem: One of the pieces is an exact duplicate of another, and the actual missing piece is… gone. So there's one empty space and one piece that doesn't fit. Words cannot describe how irrationally angry this makes me. FML
Today, I found out the person that I’ve been casually seeing has decided he wants to live with me. I found this out when I asked him to go home after two weeks sleeping over, and he told me he'd already moved out of his mom’s. I sublet a single bedroom and have barely enough room for myself. FML
Today, not only have I been cheated on in every relationship until where I am right now, I learned my current wife is fucking a guy 15 years younger than us. When we were both his age and post-grad, she turned me down several times. She didn't give me a chance until five years ago when she "wanted to settle." FML
Today, I found out that my prude wife, who has given up on anything remotely sexually exciting, has been researching swinger clubs. I found out when she “accidentally” texted me a Vice article on the subject. FML
Today, I woke up with a boner and found out that I have retrograde ejaculation. I'm stuck in jail and can't get medication to fix this. FML
Today, on my last day of vacation with my family, and after moving my kid back home after their college graduation, I received a text message from my supervisor that said, “Hello, your services are no longer needed" and that they would pack up my desk and mail it to me. I can’t get anyone to explain why or even answer me. FML
Today, the weather was nice, so I went for a ride on my motorbike. I sneezed inside my helmet. Full-face helmet, might I add. FML
Today, my mom spent an hour lecturing me on how I'm a doormat who lets people walk all over me, and that I needed to be more assertive. So I stood up and told my dad, no, I am not going on that forestry camp he wants me to go to. Mom sat silently by as he screamed and grounded me for the entire summer. FML
It's not easy being cheesy...
Today, I walked into the bedroom to find my wife naked, bent over the bed, swaying her cheeks back and forth at me, so what else was I to think? Instead of some good loving, all I got was a shouting and a lecture that just because she’s naked doesn’t mean she’s after sex. I give up. FML
Today, I took my dog to the park. While chatting with another dog owner, my dog managed to steal their sandwich and ran off with it. I had to chase my sandwich-thieving dog through the entire park. FML
Today, I found out one of my "friends" is “scared” to talk to me because I’m black. FML
Today, I had to listen to my ridiculously judgmental aunt bitching about how America “let a criminal back onto the streets” because Brittney Griner (or “that bitch”, as she called her) “couldn’t be a decent person”. I can’t believe I share DNA with this cunt. FML
Today, I was at work and got chest pains and a headache so bad, I vomited. My supervisor took my blood pressure twice and it was dangerously high both times. I went to the hospital, and after 3 hours of waiting, I got the most expensive lecture ever on drinking too many energy drinks. FML
Today, I randomly bumped into the girl of my dreams, my high school sweetheart whom I lost 15 years ago when my parents decided to emigrate us. I couldn’t help myself, I went up to her hoping the old spark was still there. She was just as sweet now as she was then, just heavily pregnant. FML
Today, I learned that all the caffeine my body can handle and boundless energy will not stop me from yawning. Thirty times in an hour. FML
Today, I was fighting to change a toilet seat when it suddenly came free and, thanks to physics, I promptly smashed myself across the bridge of my nose with the edge of it. I now have a purple nose and it's starting to spread to my eyes. I now have to explain to people over the next week or so how it happened. FML
Today, as with most days, I’m reminded of how little my husband thinks of me. He makes me hate myself everyday. FML
Today, I had such an intense stomach ache I couldn’t even stand up. I ended up shitting my pants. I’m 13. FML
Today, I came back from my long-awaited vacation in a southern country. No tanning marks to show for it, but I do have 176 mosquito bites. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend said to me, “Who’s your daddy?” during the deed and it was so off-putting, I said my dad's actual name. FML
Today, my wife and I spent hours cleaning our home, including her mother’s room, which has a floor covered in talcum powder (that she believes keeps ants away). After laboriously sweeping, and then washing the floor, it eventually dried. Two minutes later she poured talc all over the floor again. FML
Today, my girlfriend misplaced her Blue Baboon Tarantula (aka Bastard Biting Thing) so I told her I wasn’t setting foot in her flat again until she found it. I then proceeded to find it myself, when I put on my motorcycle helmet. I can still feel its legs on my face. FML
Today, I got home and found out that, because of a burst pipe in their house, my husband's brother's family had moved in. They agreed to only smoke outside, but it’s on their clothes so the house already stinks of cigarettes, and their kids have already broken two things, a plate and the fridge door handle. FML
Today, I got terminated from my job due to two coworkers accusing me of saying racial slurs four months ago. Four months ago I refused to support the same coworkers in trying to terminate another coworker on false allegations. I’m the least racist person you could ever met. I’m also 5 months pregnant. FML
Today, my phone provider informed me that I had 12 messages waiting for me on my voicemail. Happy to have friends, I listened with a smile. All of them were from my mother. FML
Today, after a day spent together, the police came to my girlfriend's place, telling me to leave without explanation. I'm now at a hotel, discovering she made false, negative statements about me in papers they provided. Despite recent love and commitment, it seems she wants to break up, leaving me confused and alone. FML
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