Today, my entire workforce downed tools today until I fire our new Human Resources rep, who in only a few weeks has made the workplace miserable and frustrating, and has increased sick leave by 48% due to the 'Can’t Deal With Her Bullshit' Virus. I can’t fire her; she’s the owner's mom. FML
Today, my parents told me that they don't respect my decision to stay single for the rest of my life and never date again, and have made it clear they will continue pressuring me to find someone new. I'm only 27 and I've already been both widowed and divorced. I'm done. FML
Today, my husband actually helped put our 4 year-old to bed because I was watching my nephews, who were about to be picked up. When I was sitting with my nephews in the living room, he yelled for me to help with our daughter. I said I couldn’t and he told me to shut up. I put her to bed every other night. FML
Today, I was flattered to receive a hand-addressed letter for the first time in years. I tore it open to discover it was actually addressed to my dog. It was a vaccination reminder from his vet. FML
Today, after days of hearing our new neighbour abusing his wife, my wife went round to confront him while on the phone with the police. Turns out they are just really into their BDSM and had no idea how loud they were being. They have costumes, toys and everything. FML
Today, after finally working there long enough for medical and dental insurance to kick in, my employers decided we should part ways. Then, while I was eating dinner, my crown popped off. FML
Today, I found out that I'm pregnant. This brings me bad news and good news. The bad news, I'm a vegetarian. The good news, I finally know why I've been craving Big Macs for the last two weeks. FML
Today, I realized that this is it. We are here for the blink of an eye, then dead. What if God doesn’t exist, then nothing has any meaning. I’ve been almost frozen in terror at this thought for three days. FML
Today, I woke up at 2 a.m. with an extremely satisfying fart. It felt great and I probably would have fallen right back to sleep, except that my ass was 8 inches from the air intake of my CPAP machine that I use, due to smoke inhalation damage from being a firefighter. It was so gross that I threw up in the CPAP mask. FML
Today, my whole family was sitting in the kitchen. My sister was stoned and passed out in our dog's bed. My dad was drunk, yelling "who's your daddy" at his plate of barbecue, and my mom just sat there with that, "what the hell happened to my life" look on her face. FML
Today, my mother and wife are arguing over raising our baby Catholic or Church of England. They’re mad at each other and as a bonus they’re both mad at me because I’m non-religious and genuinely don’t care which made-up religion they try to raise her in, I’m just enjoying being a dad over here. FML
Today, I discovered that my niece is making a killing with her vlog's revenue by adding a small segment. It features hidden camera footage of her eccentric uncle's daily life: from various reactions while playing a video game, to singing like a dork while working out, and being a huge nerd at everything. It's me. FML
Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML
Today, I am a silly man who thought I could still get in and out of the bath at 76 years-old, even though I have only had showers for the past 15 years. So, when I got stuck in the bath, I had to call my poor wife to come and help my naked ass stand up, and yes, she asked me to write this for laughs. FML
Today, I broke up with my boyfriend. I'd trusted that he and his ex were “co-parenting” a dog that he and his ex adopted while they were together and nothing more was happening. His ex is pregnant and he’s the father. He insists that he doesn’t love her anymore and it was a “mistake.” He wants me to take him back. FML
Today, I called a company for a problem with our septic tank. Two workers show up, I take them into the garden to show them the manhole cover at the top of it. They open it up. We then gaze upon a sea of condoms floating on the surface. My wife and I don't use condoms. FML
Today, I woke up, like every other day, with no girlfriend, no family, no friends, and having to go to my second job. I haven't gotten a day off in months and somehow barely can afford rent. I spend within my means and budget appropriately, but there's always some shit. FML
Today, my boss called on my day off and told me to come to work. She neglected to tell me that it was simply to give me my recent paycheck after it got lost, but then she said, "Since you showed up in uniform, you might as well clock in for today. The new guy no-showed again." FML
Today, it's the Halloween after my wife and I moved into a predominantly Muslim neighborhood. We waited for three hours with a big bowl of Snickers, before the restaurant owner downstairs told us no one would come because Muslims don’t celebrate Halloween. FML
Today, my brother let us know his wife was in labour. I rang him a few hours later to ask how it was going. I wasn’t expecting him to switch to video chat to show me “The Miracle.” I now know what my sister-in-law's vagina looks like in the middle of birth. FML
Today, my brother's life was ripped apart. His wife has chosen to no longer be his wife and is trying to keep his dog as well. My brother has always been proud of his family and hopeful for the future. He will spring back, but this came out of left field. FML
Today, the company I work for is now under new ownership. Somehow, this set off a series of events that resulted in the best boss I've ever had being effectively fired. I'm badly disabled, and she was the only thing stopping me from experiencing rampant ableism at work. I may be jobless again very soon. FML
Today, I saw an old friend while out and about. Since I don't leave the house very often, my friend was surprised to see me in person. He jokingly asked if someone was dying, and I cried in response. I was in fact going to the hospital to say goodbye to my grandma. FML
Today, my friends and I walked to Dairy Queen after school, and I caught my mom in the Walgreens parking lot right next to Dairy Queen stalking/spying on us. My friends noticed too and made fun of me for it. FML
Today, my dad died recently and as I was going through photos of his bucket list trip to Paris, I realised I’m not in a single damn one of the photos. Why? Because during all the big photo moments, I was the stupid bastard taking the pictures. Now I have no photos of us together on his last trip. FML
Today, I nailed a job interview and they hired me on the spot. The only problem was I was bursting at the seams and had to poop really bad. After destroying their bathroom and taking my leave, not an hour later I got a phone call saying they're "gonna go a different direction." FML
Today, I was forced to use Egspy on my wife's iPhone. She is going out with a colleague in exchange for getting her promotion approved. I've never had any hints or doubts, but it seems she's having illicit relations with multiple colleagues. FML
Today, I have caught my boyfriend masturbating by himself over a dozen times since Xmas, so God knows how many times he’s done it without me knowing. I asked him about it, and it turns out a woman he went to high school with, and had a huge crush on, recently became a porn actress. FML
Today, I found out that my ex (he's 35) tried soliciting sex from one of my friend's daughters (she's 22) and a few other friends as well. To make it all worse, I just found out this fuckboy has herpes, and contracted it while cheating on me. FML
Today, I got gifted a US MRE Menu 4 Cheese and Veggie Omelette, despite the fact that this crap has been discontinued by the government, as well as probably expired, as a "Thank you for your service" gift. I thought they'd gotten rid of this crap. FML
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