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By ReallyMom - 09/01/2014 21:48 - United States - Shawano

Spicy

Today, my mom tried giving me the sex talk. Her version of "the talk" consisted of making me watch videos of guys jacking off and reassuring me that "it's natural." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 731

You deserved it 5 213

By Ned - 29/08/2009 23:36 - United States

Spicy

Today, I woke up in my bunkbed because I thought I was experiencing my first earthquake ever. I jumped out of bed and found that it was just my roomate masturbating in the bottom bunk. It was 6am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 570

You deserved it 3 894

Never forget

By OhhhNooo - 14/03/2010 23:23 - United States

Today, my Dad told me that I was named after the dog he accidentally shot in the head as a teenager. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 898

You deserved it 2 445

Comeback

By sadguy - 18/02/2009 22:07 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with a girl I really like for the first time. After a while I told her I was about to come. Her response, "Lucky you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 161

You deserved it 23 292

By Anonymous - 08/04/2011 16:25 - United States

Today, I discovered that not only is my live-in mother-in-law a fan of Lady Gaga, she dances around the house naked to fully embrace the music. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 106

You deserved it 3 991

By Anonymous - 04/01/2014 06:06 - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my daughter started speaking with hashtags. I told her to knock it off, to which she replied, "You don't get it, mom - hashtag white girl probs." Hashtag FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 546

You deserved it 6 392

By Anonymous - 13/03/2010 09:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house, when I needed the loo. The door was ajar, so I walked into his bathroom, sat down, and started to pee. I then looked up to see the shocked face of his dad sitting naked in the bath. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 809

You deserved it 10 114

Uglies

By Noname - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I told my boyfriend that I was afraid our future children would be fat and ugly. He reassured me, saying that he was sure our spawn would take on after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 128

You deserved it 13 681

By Grant - 11/01/2013 00:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my son told my daughter at some point that "real" name for Hershey's Kisses is "blowjobs." I found this out because at kindergarten she was asked what her favorite food was. The teacher wasn't happy when she called me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 787

You deserved it 3 115

By Anonymous - 04/02/2012 02:48 - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 753

You deserved it 11 896

By dantko - 01/01/2014 05:04 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my wife got so drunk she kissed another guy when the ball dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 133

You deserved it 5 327

By Sarah - 25/08/2009 16:04 - United Kingdom

Today, my mother was cleaning out my underwear drawer and found my vibrator. Everytime I see her in the hall, she just cracks up and makes jokes about how I can't get a guy, so I have to rely on electronics. What's worse, she told my dad AND posted a status on facebook about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 697

You deserved it 10 435

By thedullard - 16/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Today, at the gym, I see a person laying unconscious on the ground with people crowded around. Previously being a lifeguard, and knowing CPR, I ran over and asked a man what happened, preparing to check his vitals. I then realized that the body was a dummy and the employees were doing a drill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 471

You deserved it 31 259

Repetitive

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 04:01

Today, my husband stormed out to the pub because he couldn’t stand listening to my mother droning on and on about the same stories she always tells and the programmes she watches everyday. He didn’t think of taking me with him, so I had to stay and listen to the boring old bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 709

You deserved it 813

By embarassed_chick - 24/08/2009 19:59 - United States

Today, I got my first period. My dad bought me a card and had everyone in my family sign it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 729

You deserved it 4 785

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

By ItalianBabyDoll - 11/04/2020 14:00

Today, during my boyfriend's birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 727

You deserved it 204

By lonely otaku - 25/12/2013 07:46 - Canada - North Vancouver

Today, Christmas changed my life. Last year I had a boyfriend to cuddle with on Christmas; this year I have a body pillow of an anime character. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 453

You deserved it 7 410

By idiot - 04/01/2013 10:13 - Sweden

Today, I bought an eye mask to help me sleep during the day, as I work night shifts. Upon waking up after my first time using it, I forgot I was wearing it and thought I had gone blind, causing me to fall out of the bed and split my head open on my bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 207

You deserved it 12 977

Never grow old

By Crystal - 08/03/2010 21:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I showed my fiancé the darling Tinkerbell hoodie I'd bought myself during the weekend. Instead of liking it as I'd hoped, he told me my childish wardrobe was embarrassing, and he wasn't going to be seen in public with me until I wore something different. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 027

You deserved it 52 027

By tacoboy - 21/08/2009 08:06 - United States

Today, I was on a date with a girl I've had feelings for since I was 14 (I'm 22). I took her out to dinner, then to a movie that we both liked and had a few drinks afterwards. I thought it was going really well until I was driving her home and she asked to be dropped off at her boyfriend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 243

You deserved it 6 603

By tylerlove361 - 11/02/2009 05:30 - United States

Today, I cut myself with child-proof scissors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 088

You deserved it 34 049

Who? Where?

By happybirthday - 06/03/2010 19:42 - United States

Today, my husband bought me a beautiful pair of earrings for my birthday, to match the necklace he'd spent months searching for online the previous year. What necklace? He gave me a watch he found at Walmart last year. I wonder who the lucky girl with the necklace is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 244

You deserved it 2 793

By Lies - 19/08/2009 02:44 - United States

Today, I saw the girl I had started dating changed her Facebook relationship status to "In a relationship". Naturally, I changed mine too. The next time I logged on, she had commented, "Really?! Who?!" She was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 822

You deserved it 5 964

Oh well, maybe next… year?

By Suzi_d16 - 20/04/2020 23:00

Today, I was supposed to get married. Unfortunately, it was cancelled because of the coronavirus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 882

You deserved it 310

By Anonymous - 23/01/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 418

You deserved it 3 272

By singleandheartbroken - 17/08/2009 12:04 - Australia

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend of 5 years. I love her so much and I've been treating her extremely well. Before I could pop the question, she said in these exact words: "Babe, our relationship is like a drunken night. Fun while it lasted but its something I'd rather forget." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 280

You deserved it 3 548

ryan_j009 tells us more.

ryan_j009 0

Monday 24 August 2009 12:17

ok everyone, im the OP, hear me out. 1. "..i've been treating her extremely well.." the reason why I said that was not because I'm a jackass, it was so you all knew that I didnt disrespect her or lie to her or anything, in case you would accuse me of being a shitty boyfriend. I wasn't at all. I used to surprise her with flowers occasionally, which I'd never done before with any other woman. (which does not mean i was a shitty boyfriend to my other girlfriends.. it just means i tried extra hard with this girl.) 2. all of you have been saying "well at least you didnt get to ask." Ok, yeah, I didn't say the words "will you marry me", but I had the ring in my hand and was about to get on one knee.. but before I could she stopped me.. so I'm guessing she realized that I was going to pop the question. 3. pimpin88 - once again, you have mistaken me for someone I am not. I was not clingy, I was just telling the world of FML that i really *DID* care about her.. I mean 5 years for god's sake.. sorry, i'm still bitter.. it's weird that you say that because in our relationship she always seemed to be interested in only me.. even in the last week that we were together it was all totally fine. I have no idea what happened. Nothing changed, at least I dont think...

By thank u usa - 13/12/2013 22:20 - Germany

Today, I came across a tourist in the street asking people for directions, but nobody understood him. I speak English, so I went to help the gentleman out. He said "Knock it off with the cheesy accent, pal" and informed me that my country is a shithole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 109

You deserved it 3 576

By hellnooo - 15/08/2009 23:06 - United States

Today, I found out that I puke and then pass out at the sight of blood. I am a 16 year old girl expecting hundreds of periods to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 128

You deserved it 7 617

By Somerandomguy64 - 10/12/2013 18:04 - United States - Pleasantville

Today, my wife made a system where I earn gaming time by either giving her money or doing her favors. Now whenever I use my phone, she accuses me of "secretly playing Xbox games" and gets pissed at me. I'm 28 years-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 288

You deserved it 9 776

Yikes

By nycgirl424 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years sent me a text message saying, "Don't worry I'm gonna break up with her soon. Love you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 128

You deserved it 3 266

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Today, I had to bite the bullet and finally buy maternity pants. Problem is, I'm not pregnant and I'm a 25-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 761

You deserved it 25 278

Today, my mom was sharing the story of how I was born with the umbilical cord around my neck. My sister added that it was God's first attempt to kill me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 759

You deserved it 4 211

Today, my daughter managed to crash my car. It's okay though, the insurance will cover it. However, it won't cover all the items she damaged crashing into a garage sale. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 037

You deserved it 3 504

Today, my husband and I went on vacation. We got lost and had to ask the locals for directions to our hotel. Neither of us could understand their accents, and we ended up wandering around blindly for hours until we made it back on our own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 827

You deserved it 20 837

Today, I learned just how much change a toddler can stuff in to a Nintendo Wii. I also learned that those things are put together with special screws. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 221

You deserved it 4 116

Today, I asked my mom how much she had set aside for college. She then looked and me as if I were crazy and said "Why the hell would I do anything like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 740

You deserved it 4 738