Today, while I was hanging out with a cute girl, I slapped her ass playfully. She told me that she was going to get me back. She slapped my ass later that night unexpectedly while I was holding in a huge fart... It came out. FML
Today, I returned home early from a week away for work. I was worried about my husband's mental health after a week alone with our two ADD kids. He wasn’t expecting me, but I was surprised to see the house cleaner than it had ever been, and our children happily reading on the couch. How did he do that? FML
Today, my mom told me that I would get to leave school halfway through the day. What she didn't tell me was that the reason I was missing school was to get 2 teeth pulled. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend got high and decided to text all our friends and family the crazy stories about us. He was even nice enough to include pictures. I hear a nude one made it to my Dad. FML
Today, I have an Urinary Tract Infection, causing me to have to use the bathroom about every ten minutes. I'm also about to leave on a 15 hour car trip with my entire family. FML
Today, my boyfriend became a magician. His best trick? The disappearing act. FML
highheelcyanide tells us more.
First of all, I am so excited that this got posted! Almost makes dating the jerk worth it! Also, all the comments are hilarious. To answer some questions, no, I most definitely am not pregnant. There wasn't even a scare. On the backstory, he wasn't *technically* my boyfriend, but we had been dating and things were going really great. He did all the right things and we had a great connection (or so I thought). So after a while we slept together, and enjoyment was had on both sides. Nothing seemed off for a few days, and then he gradually quit texting me and I never saw him again after that night. Live and learn, I suppose.
Today, after a month of living in a pigsty of an apartment with my roommates, I spent the day cleaning the place out. When everyone returned home, instead of thanking me, all they could do was point out the spots I'd missed. FML
Today, I admitted to my parents that I'm not the gold star lesbian I've always claimed to be. In fact, I went through a terrible slutty hetero period in college. My mom was disgusted, and my Dad wanted way too many details. FML
Today, while having some "personal" time, I felt intense pleasure and moaned. I learned that my own moaning prevents me from reaching my peak. I'm my own turn off. FML
Today, one of my employees filed a complaint against me. He claims that I "pick on him" and make him do things I "wouldn't do". Apparently, making him do his job and trying to convince him to wear clean clothes that don't smell like garbage is considered a bad thing. FML
Zatnikatel tells us more.
Zatnikatel 13
OP here to explain further, I'm a manager for a big and tall clothing store and hygiene is covered in the training manual. he was wearing the EXACT Same clothing everyday he worked(multiple days in a row). the stains, wrinkles, abd odor constantly increased. I really don't feel like I was bullying him and I even offered to help purchase him new clothes. he took offense to that as well and went on a rant about how his family is ridiculously wealthy. his work ethic was atrocious, he stopped every
Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of two years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I'm cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML
Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML
Today, I baked a cake. After feeding it to my entire family, I opened the stove, planning to temporarily store the cake inside. I then noticed a mouse, burnt to a crisp. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I reached that point in our relationship where just a simple phone conversation was too boring. His idea to spice things up? Playing Minecraft together. FML
Today, my coworker and I were discussing our office's lack of break room, and how we should suggest a picnic table for our upcoming landscaping. We concluded that someone would let their dog steal our lunches if we ate outside. Working at the vet's sucks. FML
Today, my boyfriend preferred to delete his account than admit we are in a relationship on Facebook. FML
Today, I got my first tip. It was a Mentos. FML
Today, while at the grocery store, I saw my mother. I thought it would be funny to scare her by sneaking up and grabbing her ass. Not only was it not my mom, I left the place with a ban from ever returning to that store. FML
Today, I was at my psychologist's. We were talking about creative outlets and I told him that I wanted to start playing Dungeons and Dragons again. He starts chuckling, and then says, "Oh, you were serious." FML
Just to piss me off... You nugget!
Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML
Today, I placed $20 in a slot machine at a casino and in a matter of 5 minutes lost it all. My sister then sat at the same machine, put her $20 in and quadrupled her money. FML
Today, I realized that if I died tomorrow, the only photos available for my funeral would be crappy family Christmas portraits, acne-filled yearbook photos, and several pictures from my MySpace days, where I'm sporting coontails and looking paler than Edward Cullen's ass. FML
Today, I got on the bus and the driver said I didn't have to pay since the ticket machine was broken. I was happy to have saved £2.40 until I realised someone had stolen my new £700 phone while I was talking to the driver. FML
Today, I woke up with a hangover after an intense night out. I decided to look at my camera to figure out what happened the night before. All my pictures were deleted except one video of me dancing to Lollipop by Lil Wayne, and giving a lapdance and head to my giant plush rat. FML
Today, I noticed that my mom had been hiding all my leggings and yoga pants from me. Upon asking her, she admitted that she was jealous that my butt is bigger than hers, and that when I wear those types of pants, it's like I'm "rubbing it in". FML
Today, I ordered pick-up from a restaurant I really like. It was pouring, so instead of taking the long way across the pedestrian walk, I ran through a grass-covered area and tripped on tree roots. I was right in front of the restaurant, so everybody saw me. FML
Today, my boss is writing me up for not signing a report before I left work. He refused to print the report that day, and I don't have access to the printers. FML
Today, I got married. It was a beautiful ceremony with all of our family and friends. Too bad it ended with us leaving the reception before dancing even started, since my groom couldn't stop bawling his eyes out from all the stress. FML
mdwillow tells us more.
mdwillow 15
OP here! Just to clarify, I was very understanding of his stress. We both actually suffer from anxiety so it was a hard day in general. This was going to be his first night moved out from his parents though and change is always hard. Once we woke up the next morning I showed him we got published and we were both excited! haha no hard feelings on either side:) The honeymoon has been great. It's so nice to get away from everyone:) Thank you for all the kind wishes! We are both so excited to be married to each other as best friends.
Today, while taking a stroll in the park, a kid walked up to me and asked, "Do you believe in unicorns?" I answered, "No." He dunked his ice cream cone on my head, laughed hysterically, and ran off screaming, "BELIEVE!" FML
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