Today, I was having sex with my husband. As I was undressing, he said, "Arr, I spy me some booty!" I let it go, I'm used to his embarassing pirate talk. But as he orgasmed, he screamed, "I'VE FOUND THE BURIED TREASURE!" My neighbors heard in the apartment next door and called to let me know. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I got home and found my husband, naked with an erection and my panties on his face like a mask. He claimed to be the Panty Bandit there to plunder my booty. I might have indulged his insanity and had sex with him were my mom and dad not right behind me in the doorway. FML
Today, my husband called me from work just to chat. He asked what I had been up to today. I was feeling frisky so I told him all about how I had gotten horny, watched a porno and masturbated earlier. It wasn't until I heard the hoots and laughter that I realized he had me on speakerphone. FML
Today, whilst having sex, my husband screamed out a man's name. FML
Today, trying to be sexy I was sucking on my boyfriends fingers. I was really starting to turn him on, when I noticed something crunchy in my mouth. Turns out, he went digging for treasure up his nose earlier. I found the treasure in my mouth. FML
Today, while having sex, my fiancé started talking dirty. I enjoyed it, until he had a brain fart and said, "God, you love fucking my pussy." FML
Today, I was getting intimate with my current booty-call when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed", "moo-ed", and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML
Today, I had sex with my boyfriend. In the middle of it, he started saying in deep voice, "Enter, exit." Over and over. FML
Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML
Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML
Today, I was having the best sex with my husband, and right when I reached climax, he shouted "Abracadabra!" FML
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Top comments
Hermyoni 0
That is funny. Not only because your husband has a pirate fetish but because your neighbors overheard it.
unkinged44 0
also when u have an ****** yell THAR SHE BLOWS
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Comments (184)
Hermyoni 0
That is funny. Not only because your husband has a pirate fetish but because your neighbors overheard it.
genius_man16 1
Agreed. Sounds like your husband is ******* hilarious! Why the hell are you so uptight about that? This is more like F your husbands life.
iKaite 0
When you dump him, yell WALK THEE PLANK, YARRRRR
KumoFF7 3
You're husbands ******* awesome. YDI for having no sense of humour.
unkinged44 0
also when u have an ****** yell THAR SHE BLOWS
Knight05 0
If i was your husband I would hit you as hard and as fast as I could over and over till I either got tired, or the police had me on the ground in handcuffs. Because that's the only way to make a woman TRULY appreciate you is to beat it into them till they get it.
persiancutie 0
lmao thats hilarious try talking pirate with him maybe he'll stop lol
eggnogg 0
legendary fml
OH_NOT_AGAIN 0
tell the neighbors you won the lotto.
ConnorMichelle 0
get that your a psycho douche bag?
KumoFF7 3
YDI for having a viking fetish
hunny_kat 0
I love you #44!
justdancebbyx3 7
ROFLMAO. I just got the image in my mind xDD
Amandapants 0
hells to the yes for the weeds referance. avast ye skurvy wench
evan_789 7
**** you, you fatass wannabe pirates fucktoy!!!!!!
americayay 0
Lol #1. Thank you for explaining that. That was creepy OP. Especially since it happens often, apparently.
Scotland_111 0
Maybe their neighbors will make them walk the plank.
Scotland_111 0
No that's his line for when he gets head
MCofpwnage 0
You're obviously a power hungry asshole who doesn't a thing about a healthy relationship. I've never even had a girlfried(not because I can't get one, but because I never knew anyone whom I wanted to be with) and you comments just oozes of what-the-fuckery. If you beat a women, she A)leaves you B)reports you to the police C)hate you with all their heart D)kills you E(most like) both A and B
Bumblebeeblooz 0
Lol, haha that is funny!
TheLoneWolf87 4
#44 would it not be more appropiate to say thar she blows when she gives you a *******?
thatssohilarious 0
"also when u have an ****** yell THAR SHE BLOWS" Hahahahaha!!! That's really funny.
Babbo_fml 0
I agree, your guy sounds HILARIOUS!
iljajlm 4
LMFAO!!!!! Thar she blows!!!! Oh my god ******* congrats man! that was the best thing ever
ATJ1029 3
hahahaha good one!
greatsarcazm 0
op, you should be happy you guys have some code words to talk dirty in. would you rather want your neighbors to hear him say Im Gina explode
alsgirl 24
Actually, your comment screams of what-the-fuckery... wrong FML???
firstone 0
FIRST!!! HAHAHAHA OWNED!
ananamoose 0
36th hahahaha owned!!! now you know what it looks like I pitty the fool who is as dumb as you!
orangef1zz 0
Learn how to spell "pity" if you're going to call someone dumb.
ananamoose 0
touche
XxHannahxX 0
Wtf is a touche, if you meant douche then you truly are a dumbass.
Morty_fml 0
What sort of an idiot doesn't know what touche means?
fuzzybrownbear 0
#149=******* failure
Xader 0
^ +1 agreed
silly_kate 0
#149, you just created a new kind of failure! it's so epic, that saying epic fail seems piss weak!
reece529 1
ur the dumbass touché as in like back at ya.... read a book
BlackCloudedSldr 5
Touché is more like a short term for "I stand corrected" Or a basic meaning such as "ok you got me". Say "back at you" is not a reference to touché. It's like mimicking the end result of the insulted back to the person who said it. Two totally different things. Just though I would clarify that. I don't feel like looking up the French definition because I speak English dammit!
meatloaf11 23
Not only were you not first, nobody cares. Does this look like Tumblr?
cristy91 33
At least you know he liked it...
lennelleong 33
Let's hope he didn't like it *too* much and finished before her.
thebabibunni 0
hmmm... ok...
firstone 0
oh, and YDI for having a husband.
blondeirishgurl 0
i think you should talk to him about it, but it obv doesnt bother you too much. so
cristy91 33
NOT!!!! You got owned my friend. That was to #2 in case you can't tell...
Tgump 0
LOL FYL.
bbobe900000 0
Ouch. What a loser.
vespero 0
agreed. ur husband has issues
Vampyro90 3
Her husband is awesome he needs an award!
dusty1030 0
ha your husbands a beast.