Today, while I was lifeguarding a swim meet with over 100 patrons, a duck paid a visit to our pool. He sat down and a brown cloud surfaced in the water. He immediately flew off. My manager then made me put goggles on and scoop out the poop while everyone watched. FML
1sasafras1 tells us more.
Yup. Just the skimmer net under water. The location made us unable to use the pole with the skimmer attached
Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML
Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML
Today, I got a text from a female friend saying, "So bored, come over, let's fuck.” Knowing her sense of humor, I laughed it off and sarcastically replied, "On my way!” About an hour later, I got a message from her husband asking what was taking me so long. They really wanted a threesome. FML
Today, after massive bouts of diarrhea, vomiting, and doctor visits lasting weeks, I finally got a diagnosis… from my puppy's vet. I got Giardia from my dog. FML
Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML
Today, I found out that I was misdiagnosed with ADHD 10 years ago and instead have bipolar disorder. For the last 10 years I have been taking meds that helped me focus on my manic / depressive state. FML
Today, my daughter ran up to me and gave me a cup. She said it was lemonade that she made with her friend. When I took a sip, she giggled and ran back to her room. It was not lemonade. FML
Today, the cut on my face from getting hit with a baseball healed. It's left a dick-shaped scar. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my new girlfriend. I guess she'd never been with an uncircumcised man before, because before I knew it I had a frenulum tear and had to go to the ER. FML
Today, I was spooning with my wife when I said, "It's cold tonight." Previously when I used that line, my wife would respond by saying, "I know how to warm you up" and we would make love. Tonight, she said, "I know how to warm you up" and farted on me. FML
Today, a week after my son was born via C-section, I received 3 messages from 3 different women saying that they had recently slept with my fiancé. One of them said they tested positive for herpes. FML
Today, I have to use the same techniques to trick my 24-year-old husband into brushing his teeth, as I do my 2-year-old. FML
Today, at dinner, I was talking to my parents about a movie quote. I couldn't remember what movie it was from. Then I remembered. It was a porno. FML
Today, my older brother gave me his old phone. He didn't realize that he hadn't deleted his pictures. I found a bunch of him wearing my underwear and bras. FML
Today, I spent 2 hours scrubbing puke off the dishes in the kitchen. Why? Because my moronic flatmate was dared by his equally moronic friend to drink a bottle of castor oil and then eat an entire jar of marmite. As a result, he projectile vomited all over all the dishes and left me to clean up. FML
Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML
Today, I was practicing for a Cambodian ceremony. I'm American. My fiancée is Cambodian. While doing the practice, I had six people in my face telling me what to do, all at the same time. I got frustrated and accidentally blurted out, "This is fucking retarded." Now the whole family is mad at me. FML
rcoale1983 tells us more.
rcoale1983 11
Hi everyone. I'm the one who posted this. I knew I would get slaughtered in the comments, totally expected it. I wasn't able to explain everything in 300 characters. So here goes... my fiancee and I have been together for 8 years. I have nothing against her culture. If I did, we wouldn't be getting married. I've been to many Cambodian events and never had an issue. It's interesting going to these things. It's different and it's a new experience. Anyways, during this practice, everything was going smooth up until I had the whole family questioning me all at the same time. There's a part in the ceremony where I have to kneel down. I'm a disabled vet. My left knee is shot. I can't kneel down. The whole family knows this. When I refused to kneel down, everyone was shocked that my knee is bad. They've known about my knees since forever. That's when everyone decided to start hounding me and that's when I said, "this is ******* retarded." I didn't mean at all for it to come out. It just came out. Never at any point was it directed at their culture. It was directed at everybody there acting all surprised about my knees and everybody there questioning me and trying tell me what to do all at the same time. What I said was completely said out of frustration.
Today, my husband ate several slices of pizza and one whole ghost pepper. He then threw up all over the living room, hallway, and pile of dirty clothes in the bathroom before going directly to bed. I had to clean it up. FML
Today, my mother called me at work, freaking out about my dog, so I panicked. What was wrong? He had a hard-on and she'd never seen that happen before. FML
Today, I got my report card. My teacher gave me an F, and under class comments she gave me a U for unsatisfactory. So I got an F U from my teacher. FML
Today, at 6 am, I was suddenly jerked from the warm embraces of sleep by the smell of poo. I was very groggy and confused when my hand landed in something wet and cold. I turned on the light and was horrified to find that my kitten took a huge dump in my bed. It was everywhere. FML
Today, I was at work and a guy walked up holding his phone with the camera facing me. He then looks up at me and says, "I'm not taking a picture of you. I'm just trying to catch a Pokemon." And here I was thinking that I looked nice today. FML
Today, my sister snuck into the bathroom while I was in the shower (the lock is broken) and took my clothes and towels. I came out and quickly went to my room. As I went in, my sister was sitting on my bed with two friends watching TV. I instantly covered up, but they saw everything. FML
Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML
Today, I learned that the three secretaries at work make spreadsheets about who uses the toilets, when and for how long, and then make bets on who will take the longest toilet break, who will use it the most often, etc. Now I constantly look at my watch whenever I use the toilets. FML
Today, a customer at work was having hiccups, so I suggested she should try to hold her breath for a while. Ten minutes later, she's talking to my manager about how I wanted her to "kill herself because of her severe medical condition." FML
Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML
Today, after getting married recently and my wife making a ton of promises about "things" we'd do, she admitted she won't do any of them and said I should just accept that she lied. FML
Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML
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