Today, my crush fell asleep on me on the bus. This would have been fantastic if I didn't immediately have an erection in her ear. FML
Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML
Today, I decided to challenge the jerk jock at work to a fight, since he kept poking fun at me for being a weakling. Having started taking MMA classes, I was confident I'd make him eat his words. Just my luck, he's an MMA instructor and kicked my ass effortlessly. Not what I had planned. FML
Today, a close friend told me she had no plans for her birthday. I found out she was lying when I had to serve her and nine other mutual friends dinner at the restaurant I work at. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I wasn't invited or that none of them even remembered that I worked there. FML
Today, I learned that I may have caused a public speaker and author to be fired, because my response to his "open chat" question flustered him, causing him to lose his cool and snap at me. FML
Today, I’m at this huge beach party in Thailand. I kiss a beautiful girl and decide to take it to the next level. While putting my hand under her skirt, I feel something out of place. I look at her and she says, “What? You prefer ladies?” FML
Today, my long time girlfriend flew across the country to visit. My asshat roommate decided to introduce himself to her while I was in the bathroom. She left and won't answer my calls. He won't tell me what he said to her. FML
wellshitthen tells us more.
wellshitthen 14
Hey all, OP here. Surprisingly, it turned out as a happy ending! My girlfriend asked my roommate to keep me busy for a while so she could run out and grab a birthday gift that she ordered at a local store since she couldn't fly it in with her. My roommate is still an asshat for choosing to give me a heart attack as a way to keep me busy, but it could have been a lot worse.
Today, during sex, I somehow sneezed hard enough to really hurt my neck and shoulder. But don't worry, writhing in pain doesn't ruin the mood. My boyfriend just kept going. FML
Today, I tried to fire the worst worker I've ever had over the phone because he never shows up for work anymore. He said no and went crazy. HR and the police are now involved. FML
Today, I thought my water had broken. I'd actually just peed myself when the baby moved. FML
Today, my friend with benefits got my new car stuck in a mud hole. I had to call my ex to get us unstuck. FML
Today, I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and things were getting heated when he got a call from one of his mates wanting to play Counter Strike. Next thing I know, I'm laying in bed by myself listening to him rage. FML
Today, while at my job as a lifeguard, a little girl got stuck in the shower cubicle because the lock wouldn't open. To get her out, I had to lift the door off the hinges and swing it open, a fairly safe procedure. The hinges broke, though, and I ended up hitting the girl with the door. FML
caitywebbkid tells us more.
OP here, Firstly, thanks to everyone who has been comforting me about this. I was pretty upset and distraught when it happened (my whole job being to save and protect people), but now I see it as a learning curve. To answer tour questions/comments; 1) Yes, the centre manager has (finally) granted us a bigger budget for maintenance and we will be replacing all doors within the week. 2) the little girl is A-okay. There were no signs of bruising, swelling, laceration/graze, break, strain, sprain or anything else. I think she was more scared than anything else, but she was dancing around about 5 minutes after I gave her an ice pack, so that's a plus. 3) Yes, everything in Australia tries to kill us. Except volcanoes. We don't have a single active one (and we're the only continent to be able to say that!!!). Again, thanks to everyone for your support. I love my job and I was so scared I was going to lose it, and so worried that I had done this little girl harm. Apparently she just sees it as a cool story to tell at school (her aunt told us this when we made the follow-up phone call).
Today, my cousin's husband argued adamantly that the Earth doesn't rotate, and treated me like an idiot when I explained why he was wrong. Not even a video from space of the Earth rotating convinced him. This idiot is a teacher. FML
Schizomaniac tells us more.
Thankfully he's only a PE teacher. Not to discredit PE teachers, but at least he is not in a position to actually provide information to students. This guy is an absolute nutjob. These are real claims he has argued in the past: -evolution is a lie (no surprise) -dogs are more intelligent than chimpanzees -our most sophisticated equipment can't see outside our galaxy (lol) -humans are the only animals that rely on fruits and vegetables for food And many, many others. He's the type of person to argue with a chef because he read a cookbook. It's sad.
Today, I lifted up a watermelon, not realising it had gone bad. The thing exploded like an alien giving birth. Stinking juice and rotten inside all over the kitchen. Even behind the build-in closets. It smells like rotten fruit cheese and I can't reach behind the closets. FML
Today, the first day of school, I threw up on my teacher in the middle of class. FML
Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML
Today, I found out the girl my husband's been calling "Sister" isn't actually his sister, but instead a hooker whose work name is "Sister". FML
Today, I met with my trainer, despite having an upset stomach. Have you ever tried to hold in diarrhea while doing squats? It doesn't end well. FML
Today, I discovered that I don't have a college fund. My mother stole the money when she divorced my dad and he never bothered to tell me. Now he's offered to pay my tuition if I go to a military academy. If I don't take the offer, he wants me to move out by next Friday. FML
Today, I got news that I had "delighted a customer" so I looked at the review online. It says, "The fat girl up front was nice." FML
Today, after heavy rain my street flooded. While in my living room, I looked outside to see that my elderly neighbour was outside splashing in a knee deep puddle. He was butt-naked and wearing a snorkel and flippers. FML
Today, I had to be the designated driver for my mom and aunt. While driving them home, my aunt threw up on the car floor and my mom peed her pants, leaving a puddle in the seat. It was my car. FML
Today, my girlfriend told me that I have “too much foreskin” and that I’d need to get circumcised if we were going to stay together. I’m already circumcised. FML
Today, I returned home from college. I found out that my dad ran over my cat months ago and tried to cover it up by having her stuffed. I found it "her" on my bed when I got home. They think that it's sweet that they stuffed the cat they killed. FML
sadblufly tells us more.
sadblufly 18
WOW I didn't expect to get published haha. But I do think it's ****** up, and my parents ended up agreeing. My cat was an indoor cat and has always hated going outside, especially because she was allergic to grass/something outside so I know she didn't just...run out the door or whatever. I'm not saying that they did it on purpose, because it's possible she was in the car for the vet or something and got out/they didn't notice? I don't know. I was completely heart broken and still am, I grew up with this cat and was having a rough time when I came home and looking forward to seeing her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the..remains, but I definitely dont want to keep my stuffed cat...I think I'm going to bury her when I get the chance. My parents haven't stopped apologising, but it still sucks to have this happen.
Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams, "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants, and, while chasing after her, yells, "Baby, she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML
Today, I went in for a root canal. After a heavy dose of anesthetic, my tooth still wasn't numb, which I only realized when they started drilling. FML
Bogrbon tells us more.
Bogrbon 27
OP here. They did stop pretty quick, after it started hurting, before it got too bad. Anesthetic tolerance runs in the family (and no, I don't use any drugs). They edited the fact that since it had been having issues getting numb, they'd already given me the maximum safe dose of anesthetic for the day, so I had to reschedule for the next available appointment 3 weeks out, and get a temporary filling and prescription for Vicodin (which would make me sick and keep me from safely working) to tide me over. Long story short, my tooth is not only better, it's worse, and I am still waiting, (If you've ever needed a root canal you know the pain.) so the pain at the endodontist's was all for nothing.
Today, my stepmother proved once again that she likes to play favourites. She has no job, so anything she gifts comes from my dad’s account. On my last birthday, I got £5 on a cheap card. Today, my step-brother's birthday, he got £400 and an iPad. He’s 4 years old. FML
Today, it’s my birthday. My family has spared no expense; cake, balloons, decorations, new outfits... nothing is too much. Oh, it’s not for me. They’re celebrating the Royal Wedding. FML
Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML
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