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GET UP

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2019 but it's good stuff

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 838

You deserved it 241

Joe Smooth

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Hebron

Today, I went on my first date. Everything went great until I went to brush my date's hair over her ear like they do in the movies. I poked her dead in the eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 316

You deserved it 16 654

Smells like… victory

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, they're pumping out the septic system in the building next door. I'm three months pregnant, suffering from morning sickness, and can smell everything within a three-mile radius. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 722

You deserved it 3 952

By Fat Arsed Lass - 01/06/2014 10:28 - New Zealand - East Tamaki

Today, while laying on the couch my cat came and laid on me. Turns out my ass is big enough for my 13 year old cat to walk around in circles, wash itself, stretch and sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 478

You deserved it 9 503

Good question

By Anonymous - 24/06/2022 04:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend accused me of only dating her because I’m lonely and want sex. Surely the point of dating someone you love is to be together so you’re not alone, and I have it on good authority that dating occasionally includes sex, so is she nuts or am I actually the bad guy here? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 687

You deserved it 545

By julie24 - 30/05/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 248

You deserved it 399

By markzar - 05/05/2012 07:19 - United States - Amherst

Today, I had food poisoning. When I was finally able to drag myself to the kitchen for some Gatorade, I got stung by a wasp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 764

You deserved it 2 326

Adding insult to injury

By Fly my pretty, FLY! - 24/09/2023 20:00 - Philippines - Makati City

Today, my mom's super spoiled small demon dog attacked my 3 year-old daughter, mauling her leg. Out of instinct, I kicked it away, causing it to fly across the room yelping. I picked up my daughter and took her straight to the hospital, where she got stitches. Later that night, I was greeted with a vet bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 163

You deserved it 162

Pussy palace

By S12Sophia - 02/05/2012 22:06 - France

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love for the first time, when out of nowhere my cat meowed from the doorway. My boyfriend sighed, pulled out, and exasperatedly called me a selfish bitch for not having put my cat outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 109

You deserved it 5 482

By Anonymous - 01/07/2011 05:56 - United States

Today, after weeks, I've finally reached my goal and lost 10 lbs. My sister got jealous about me losing weight, and told my parents and coworkers that I'm anorexic. Hello, intervention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 280

You deserved it 3 142

Brainbox block

By officekid - 16/08/2019 02:00

Today, a woman from my office called, asking who was in. Only one other woman was in the office. I couldn't remember her name, so I had to awkwardly guess random names while both women listened, obviously aware of what was going on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 317

You deserved it 686

This needs an explanation

By Anonymous - 25/06/2022 06:00

Spicy

Today, I sent an email to several coworkers about an "incident" I had just created, asking them to look into it. It wasn't until one of them responded that I discovered that instead of "incident" I had typed "incest." I wish I could say this was a typo or autocorrect, but it was more a Freudian slip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 392

You deserved it 911

By Anonymous - 13/04/2013 22:53 - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 384

You deserved it 7 901

By blinkanimgone - 01/09/2010 11:08 - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 499

You deserved it 2 645

By ThePidgeon - 19/10/2009 18:36 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was ordering food at McDonald's when a condom fell out and onto the counter. The server looked at me funny before my friend turned around and said, "It's okay, he's never going to use it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 251

You deserved it 7 796

By Mrs.Slyfox - 28/06/2011 09:53 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he'd resolved all the issues with his ex and is getting back together with her. Normally I could tolerate this if it weren't for the fact that I just moved to a different country to live with him, and turned down a university and a scholarship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 306

You deserved it 58 443

Partied out

By kp. - 31/08/2010 12:46 - Australia

Today, it was my boyfriend's birthday. After spending a reasonable amount of cash to get us a nice hotel room to celebrate, he decides he would rather spend the night drinking with his friends. They all threw up in the bath tub before passing out on our bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 205

You deserved it 4 513

Don't do this at work

By Lastsecondstand - 06/04/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said, "You look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter, she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 401

You deserved it 11 301

By LyraAlluse - 18/05/2014 23:35 - United States - Chandler

Today, my cat decided to hide in the garbage can so he could get a free trip outside, but was too fat to climb all of the way inside of it. He got stuck half-way in. It took me ten minutes to get him out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 784

You deserved it 6 229

LyraAlluse tells us more.

LyraAlluse 25

Monday 19 May 2014 14:54

He got stuck in one of those oddly shaped bathroom trashcans. And it was his tail end that got stuck, so he was sticking out of the trashcan like a jack-in-the-box. Because the can was oddly shaped it was hard to figure out how to get the cat free and make it as humane as possible. Also, the cat kept trying to roll around in the trash can because he thought it would help. My cat isn't the brightest crayon in the package but he is pretty funny.

By Matt - 28/04/2012 18:28 - United Kingdom - London

Spicy

Today, the novelty of shaving a heart into my pubic hair for my wife vanished, when I woke up to find a collection of scabs around my pubes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 384

You deserved it 15 767

By Nice 2 inch - 27/06/2011 12:16 - Canada

Today, my grandpa told us he wanted to fit in. His idea of fitting in is streaking in a park at 4:00 pm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 327

You deserved it 3 603

By Anonymous - 18/10/2009 10:52 - Australia

Today, I handed out 30 resumes only to find out, after the last resume was handed out, my brother had changed the last sentence of every paragraph to 'I am a massive douche bag.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 937

You deserved it 7 790

Etiquette

By FootFlakes - This FML is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff - United States - Boston

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend once again that the dry skin she picks off her feet belong in the trash, not on our coffee table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 440

You deserved it 4 525

By animallover - 26/06/2011 05:39 - United States

Today, I found out that my beloved guinea pig has impaction. For the rest of his life it will be my duty to clean out his rectum manually every month, or every week/day if it gets worse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 602

You deserved it 5 308

Bad timing

By amya - 17/10/2009 08:39 - Canada

Today, I had a phone interview for a job I've had my eye on forever. I was dumped a few hours before the interview, but was okay until I was put on hold with music playing. Me and my boyfriend's song came on and I started bawling. I could hardly talk when they took me off hold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 401

You deserved it 9 965

Missed the signs?

By Anonymous - 02/07/2022 04:00

Today, my husband and I visited a new bar in our city. It turned out to be a swingers sex club. He asked if we could stay and try it out, even though we were easily the oldest people there by about 30 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 182

By AngryLittleMan - 23/04/2012 03:00 - United States

Today, I discovered something more dangerous than drivers who text: drivers who break your car windows with a bat while stopped at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 609

You deserved it 2 210

By prego - 24/08/2010 16:01 - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 567

You deserved it 5 324

Open borders

By zlotytarasy - 14/10/2009 22:03 - Poland

Today, I accepted a great job offer I've been working months to earn so I can continue to live with my fiancé here in Poland. I just found out that my work visa was denied. Now I have to fly home to Canada and reapply before coming back. This takes a month. My new job starts tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 981

You deserved it 3 549

The pervs win again

By Thanks for nothing, assholes. - 08/07/2022 01:59

Today, we received the answer to a report we filed against a calculus teacher from our high school, who was sexually harassing several girls from our group, most of them still underage. They won't sack him because he's a tenure teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 205

You deserved it 132

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The Top

The Top

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 518

You deserved it 26 064

Today, I had a nervous breakdown. My life has been going down the drain and I called my boyfriend for comfort. I was crying my eyes out, finally getting everything off of my chest that has been bothering me. I thought it was quiet because he was listening closely. I was wrong. He fell asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 291

You deserved it 8 844

Today, I'm studying abroad in Russia, and I lost my keys to my dorm room. In the office I asked for a spare and she spoke really fast so I couldn't hear her. Assuming I don't speak Russian, she gets on the phone and calls maintenance saying, "There is this ugly girl about to cry... come fix it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 237

You deserved it 3 687

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 782

You deserved it 64 449

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 594

You deserved it 550

WHY WON'T YOU LOVE ME

I agree, your life sucks 262

You deserved it 62