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By Anonymous - 05/06/2009 20:54 - Denmark

Today, I was at a bar. A fat guy looks at me for a while and sits down next to me. He turns and I expect that he'll hit on me. He then buttons down his shirt, presses his man boobs together and say to his friends “Look, I’ve got bigger tits than than the girl next to me!" His friends agreed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 121

You deserved it 6 156

"I'll never drink again!"

By Lewis - 16/12/2018 00:30 - France - Paris

Never say never!

I agree, your life sucks 177

You deserved it 266

The great pretender

By theraarman - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - France

Today, I found out that my girlfriend has to pretend to have another boyfriend who isn't me, because her siblings and cousins don't like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 134

You deserved it 3 231

Bigmouth Strikes Again

By Mr. FootInMouth - 23/11/2020 07:56

Today, I learned that my brother has been secretly married to his girlfriend for over a year. That means that during Christmas break, when I told him that she was a "toxic bitch" and that he should leave her before she drags him down with her, they had already been married for 6 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 402

You deserved it 484

Some fun was had

By Anonymous - 24/09/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom - Barnsley

Today, I got home from a holiday to find out that my flatmate had thrown a party. Everything seemed fine at first, then I noticed that someone had taken a dump in my running shoes that were in my bedroom closet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 514

You deserved it 85

By Anonymous - 26/10/2014 05:17 - United States

Today, I was at work and a lady screamed at my manager for about 15 minutes, saying I needed to be fired because I couldn't get rid of all the flies buzzing around her food. She was the one who chose to eat on our patio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 324

You deserved it 2 513

Dominion

By baby.momma2 - 26/11/2020 19:58

Today, I told my boyfriend I was unsure of the future of our relationship, so he gave me a gigantic hickey to "show the world that I'm his." I work as a cashier and see people I know personally on a daily basis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 882

You deserved it 323

By dog_day - 19/12/2009 06:20 - United States

Today, I was asked by my mom if I could have a joint birthday party with her dog, because it would be the dog's "Big 1-0." She was completely serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 435

You deserved it 2 707

Dangerous drive

By WAKE UP - 03/05/2023 03:00 - United States

Today, my uncle was driving my mom and me to his house. We caught him nodding off numerous times, and I'm pretty sure he actually fell asleep at least once. We were on the highway. The car suddenly started swerving several times whenever he was getting sleepy. I think I have some grey hairs now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 134

By cheaters_should_die - 18/12/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, I looked at my house in Google Street View for the first time and noticed an unfamiliar vehicle in the driveway. When I asked my wife about it, she admitted to have an ongoing affair. Apparently the entire world knew my wife was having an affair before I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 927

You deserved it 3 015

Always call first

By Cat - 02/12/2020 08:06

Today, I went to visit my aunt who lives 6 hours away from me. Her car was missing from her driveway, but she's unemployed and barely leaves the house. Turns out, she moved in with her new boyfriend and didn't tell anyone, so I had to drive 6 hours back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 526

Graceful

By battered and bruised - 14/02/2022 06:00

Today, I bought some roller skates to go with the set my daughter got for her birthday. I haven’t skated since I was a kid, but I figured it was like riding a bike and I couldn’t have forgotten altogether. My broken coccyx disagrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 863

You deserved it 270

By Anonymous - 21/10/2014 15:49 - United States - Bedford

Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 838

You deserved it 7 815

By Mike - 17/12/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 118

You deserved it 54 755

Nap buddies

By Anonymous - 17/03/2022 00:01 - United States - Santa Barbara

Spicy

Today, I found out that my father is telling people that we sometimes sleep with each other, meaning it literally. He knows the figurative meaning of that phrase, but insists that “not everyone has a dirty mind.” Thankfully, since I’m an adult he won’t get into legal trouble, but still, ewww. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 409

You deserved it 191

By cray12 - 20/10/2014 08:00 - United States

Today, while doing physical therapy exercises for my broken leg, I managed to throw my back out. Now I can neither walk nor sit up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 112

You deserved it 2 862

cray12 tells us more.

cray12 8

Tuesday 21 October 2014 23:36

Thanks for making me laugh with some of these comments. The back thing is an old injury that flairs up every so often for a few days, it just had terrible timing. As for the leg....well it's getting better pretty quickly (is 2 months quick for a broken bone?) thanks to my physical therapist and an awesome surgeon that pieced my broken tibia together. Now I just have to learn my lesson and not get on an ATV that my brother is driving ever again. But on the bright side I get to laugh at all the FML's and get a couple of months off of work.

By Anonymous - 19/07/2013 16:41 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, it's my fifth wedding anniversary. My wife bailed on the romantic dinner that I arranged in favor of running off with her friends. Their big event: an amateur Fight Club event they'd decided to stage in an abandoned parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 466

You deserved it 4 328

It's not a phase… or maybe it is

By Anonymous - 07/05/2026 15:00 - United States

Today, we found out my niece has been faking all her issues in order to keep up her “damaged, beautiful disaster” online persona. She went too far and ended up on a 72hr hold. Now she’s screaming, crying, and begging to come home because the hospital is “too scary.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 371

You deserved it 91

By Anonymous - 18/07/2013 09:29 - Canada - Cornwall

Today, my pre-teen brother has started using the entire Axe line because he believes that it will give him an "edge with the ladies". He insists on using the products at least three times a day, including before bedtime. I'm allergic to anything that is perfumed. We share a room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 654

You deserved it 3 624

By Peter - 25/11/2010 10:25

Today, while at work, I got fired because I was 'hitting' on my boss's wife who also works in the same company. Since when does 'asking for paper clips' mean 'hitting on'? FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 903

You deserved it 2 851

By PiZzA_FaCe - 29/05/2009 21:09 - United States

Today, I was working at a day care center. A 5 year old boy came up to me telling me he wanted to eat my face. Confused, I asked him why. He said, "Because your face looks like pizza." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 355

You deserved it 5 285

Oh, hi!

By Embarrassed - 07/08/2012 07:48 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I went to visit a friend I hadn't seen in ages who lives alone out in the country. I arrived and found the front door unlocked but no one was home. I went in anyway and helped myself to some food. Then a family I had never seen before came in, and I realized it wasn't my friend's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 805

You deserved it 35 473

By kareltje - 14/09/2011 18:50 - Netherlands

Today, at 7am, I was woken up by a telemarketer. He tried to sell me a bedroom set containing "a comfortable pillow and goose feather cover". I was working the graveyard shift and had only just gotten to sleep an hour earlier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 820

You deserved it 2 861

kareltje tells us more.

kareltje 17

Wednesday 14 September 2011 23:53

Can't they make a living during office hours? That would've given me 2 hours of sleep at least...

By scheisse - 14/07/2013 21:25 - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 329

You deserved it 67 576

By steph - 13/09/2011 21:40 - China

Today, I found a note on the front door of my flat saying, "You left your keys in your garage door so I put them in your letter box". Guess where my letter box key is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 999

You deserved it 6 669

By Random Person - 21/11/2010 05:31 - United States

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant downtown with my brother in-law when I told him I couldn't eat any more. He then told me, "You better, or you're walking home." He wasn't kidding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 456

You deserved it 3 598

Awwww

By ljjprchf - 13/12/2009 01:29 - Australia

Today, I asked my kids how much they loved me. My seven year-old responded, 'I'll love you forever mummy.' My sixteen year-old responded, 'Can you wind down the window, I just farted.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 231

You deserved it 13 832

Deflated

By Anonymous - 17/05/2023 00:00

Spicy

Today, and the for the past few weeks, my husband has been sulking because I’ve recently stopped breastfeeding and my boobs have started shrinking back to their original A cup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 162

You deserved it 214

By SODbeatlesMCRlp - 19/11/2010 16:54 - United States

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 761

You deserved it 35 095

By eh - 06/10/2014 19:12 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 499

You deserved it 13 831

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The Top

The Top

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 570

You deserved it 3 035

Today, my boyfriend wanted me to send him a pic of myself being happy for his phone's caller ID. So I picked out a picture where I'm grinning a big grin, clearly very happy like he asked. He replies back, "You look weird there. Send a pretty one." FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 350

You deserved it 5 050

Today, my wife told me that if she had a penny for every time I had brought her to climax she'd have change for a nickel. We've been married for 16 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 298

You deserved it 12 923

Today, while I was mid-act with my girlfriend, my mom unlocked my bedroom door and came in shaking maracas. She then handed them to my very shocked girlfriend and told her these were the "Busted maracas" and directed her to pass them along accordingly. Well, at least our first time was memorable… FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 496

You deserved it 378

Today, another woman tagged my husband in a “Couples' Day” photo montage on Instagram. Some of the photos were taken during those “business trips” he was having, including when he traveled due to his “grandpa” passing away. We have 3 children and I gave birth to our last daughter a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 290

You deserved it 131

Today, I got served. I'm being sued by a porch pirate, whom my brother claims to have taken care of, to never steal from me ever again. What did he do? He caught her in the act and stopped her, by loading and pointing a shotgun on her face. Oh? The package in question, a kiddie eraser set priced roughly $10. FML

I agree, your life sucks 398

You deserved it 67