The Top

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By emkatch - 21/07/2009 19:47 - Canada

Today, I came home about two hours early from a friend's party. After I walked in and upstairs, I quickly and quietly left and went back to the party. I guess my parents decided to have a little party as well. It's called a threesome with my neighbor. They still don't know that I know. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67 892

You deserved it 4 377

By thatisnotcool45 - 09/12/2011 05:22 - Canada

Today, I got to say, "My best friend hooked up with my step-sister's grandma's aunt" and be correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 153

You deserved it 2 731

By loser doctor - 02/01/2009 11:14 - Philippines

Today, I found out the girl I was in love with has a new boyfriend. I blame myself because I believed her when she said she "wasn't ready" for a relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 103

You deserved it 4 416

Plot twist

By Anonymous - 05/11/2012 11:36 - United States

Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 237

You deserved it 2 150

By journey_Jeanne - 08/12/2011 02:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was ovulating. He said he didn't want to have sex because he was afraid of getting eggs on his penis. He then compared it to having sex with a fish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 085

You deserved it 5 167

By city_girl - 04/02/2010 06:34 - United States

Today, I got rear-ended. In possibly the scariest part of downtown. At night. By a man who spoke hardly any English but managed to ask if I would go out dancing with him instead of calling my insurance company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 070

You deserved it 2 557

By TheOtherWoman - 20/07/2009 07:10 - United States

Today, the guy I've been sleeping with for the last three weeks got really drunk. I drove him home from the party and took care of him. At 2am he asked for the phone. When I asked what for, he said he wanted to drunk dial his girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 071

You deserved it 12 811

By sneezer - 30/12/2008 04:54 - France

Today, while kissing my girlfriend's neck, I sneezed a blob of snot onto her. She told me that "it doesn't matter", while hiccuping a bit of vomit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 189

You deserved it 7 046

My eyes! My eyes!

By Audrey - 21/07/2020 14:01

Today, I walked in on my mom masturbating. I want to run away. I feel violated. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 748

You deserved it 686

Chud's Diner

By Frany - 10/01/2023 22:00

Today, my now-ex boyfriend treated our waitress like shit. She was a young lady who just came from Venezuela and barely spoke English. He gave her no tip, ranted about “fixing this goddamn border problem” along with xenophobic slurs. Apparently, he’d forgotten I’m an immigrant too, from Colombia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 394

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 04/11/2012 00:19 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, at archery practice, I jokingly said that I'd kiss the next person to get a bullseye. They all made a point of missing their targets, some even shooting their arrows way off to the side. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 963

You deserved it 8 003

By lonesomegal - 30/01/2015 18:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my sister asked me how my boyfriend was doing. He died two years ago. She was the first person I told. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 426

You deserved it 2 594

Oops

By Hornymuch - 02/11/2012 11:35 - Germany

Today, I realized why it's a bad idea to store your business cards and your "emergency condom" in the same handbag compartment. I realized this after a client watched me miss the cards and pull out the condom after our lunch meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 126

You deserved it 28 957

By areyouserial - 05/12/2011 13:21 - United States

Today, Santa ran over my foot with a Segway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 245

You deserved it 3 032

By imsadnow - 31/01/2011 20:01 - United States

Today, I was having a bad day at work. Then, on my coffee break, a little boy walked up to me and told me I was the prettiest girl he'd ever seen. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 167

You deserved it 7 302

By John Doe - 29/01/2015 17:01 - United States - Columbia

Today, my parents continue comparing me to my "perfect" friend. He smokes dope, is a compulsive thief, and has gone to juvie numerous times. I'm passing school with flying colors and have never been in any trouble with the law. Apparently I should be more like him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 018

You deserved it 2 399

Who goes there?

By dontbadouche - 01/02/2010 13:45 - Senegal

Today, I heard the sound of footsteps in the basement. Thinking it was burglars I grabbed a baseball bat and hurried down the stairs. I then tripped on the stairs, fell down them and smacked my head on the bat. The sound of footsteps I heard? It was my cat playing in some cardboard boxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 766

You deserved it 7 284

By heresmybellybotton - 18/07/2009 00:12 - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 928

You deserved it 3 686

Cancel culture strikes again

By Disneydont - 27/10/2021 20:00 - United States - New York

Today, I was supposed to leave for Disney. Our trip was cancelled last year because of the pandemic. This morning, we found out my sister’s boyfriend, who was a last-minute add-on to the trip, has COVID. Cancelled again. Maybe next year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 131

You deserved it 164

Fertiliser

By Anonymous - 04/06/2024 22:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife found out when I’m super busy with work and can’t be bothered to walk upstairs for a pee, I just pee into a bottle and empty it out the window onto the grass. I get it’s sorta gross but the way she was yelling you’d have think I took a shit on the drive in full view of the neighbours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 1 442

By I'm screwed - 27/01/2015 23:46 - United States - King Of Prussia

Today, after I got home from a long day at work. I go inside my room and find a life-size cut out of Miley Cyrus. I don't know how it got here. I'm the only person with a key to my apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 702

You deserved it 2 397

By msj137 - 17/07/2009 07:25 - United States

Today, I had a softball tournament which also landed on my birthday. My dad had to leave town for work, so he left me a card on my night stand. Instead of a happy birthday, all it said was 'Don't mess up the game for everyone'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 174

You deserved it 2 854

Sounds delightful

By Anonymous - 23/01/2023 23:30 - Australia

Today, a client came in to pay for her storage unit, and like every other time she comes in, she lifted up her shirt and practically showed me her boobs. This lady is in her 70s and is morbidly obese. Oh, and she also told me that the Nazis had the right idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks 982

You deserved it 120

Elaborate backstory

By lordoftheweird - 06/06/2024 00:00 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I found out both my parents are career criminals. My dad expects me to join the "family business" and my mom has decided that they'll "never get her alive." FML

I agree, your life sucks 541

You deserved it 101

By Anonymous - 05/10/2013 06:56 - United States - Seattle

Today, I pretended to be deaf to a door to door salesman. He knew sign language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 044

You deserved it 52 975

By JadeC - 01/12/2011 18:55 - United States

Today, I was fired. For "lack of attention to details", specifically spelling errors. My now ex-boss misspelled the name of his own company on my severance agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 765

You deserved it 3 355

Blinding

By ... - 29/11/2008 11:50 - France

Today, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You Can Leave Your Hat On." When the song was over, I was completely naked. She then said : "Maybe we should've closed the shutters…" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 630

You deserved it 12 051

Pretty Woman

By Anonymous - 27/10/2021 23:00 - Luxembourg - Luxembourg

Today, I went to a business meeting over lunch. My new employer seemed normal enough while we were eating, but now I have received messages about how he will buy me new clothes, and we can rent a camping car and go to festivals next year. All I wanted was a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 114

Turn off

By whatdoesitmatter - 01/10/2013 10:47 - India - Erayu

Today, my sex-crazed ex wrote me a letter so bad, it haunts me that I let a guy with such terrible grammar skills touch my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 212

You deserved it 12 027

Sneaky

By TheHarvardian - 25/10/2012 06:59 - United States - Ft Mitchell

Today, I got fired from a job that I've had for four days for being too "secretive." Apparently, I was leaning over my notebook so that my boss couldn't stand behind me and read what I was writing. The email literally said I was "being too sneaky". They were work notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 191

You deserved it 1 909

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The Top

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister, and me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 856

You deserved it 3 540

Today, I opened my Father's Day present from my mother-in-law. It was a glamor shot of her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 3 584

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 556

You deserved it 12 255

Today, I flew from Texas to meet my new girlfriend's family in Georgia. Turns out her sister was a random hookup I had a year earlier on a business trip, she remembered me as the douchebag with premature ejaculation. Guess who’s flying home single? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 200

You deserved it 2 096

Today, my son and his girl best friend have been dancing around each other for a year, unwilling to make the first move. It's a great source of entertainment for my wife, while I just want to yell at them to kiss already, but my wife has threatened "CONSEQUENCES" if I ruin the fun she has watching their teen drama. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 226

You deserved it 265

Today, it’s been 5 months since I can’t walk properly, 3 months that I’ve been waiting for a doctor’s appointment, and 1 day since I found out that the "top specialist" was in fact the same doofus who couldn’t help me with the same issue years ago. He was out of his depth as soon as nothing conclusive showed on the X-ray. FML

I agree, your life sucks 716

You deserved it 108