Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML
Today, I took my girlfriend to see the new Avatar movie I’ve waited over 10 years to see. After it was over, she just said, "That was utter shite, why did you bring me here?" Entire experience ruined. FML
Today, according to my husband of many years, he was actually planning to ghost me after our boring first date. It was only the fact that I shagged him senseless that night that kept him around long enough for us to actually get to know each other. Hooray for me being a "loose slut" back in 1998. FML
Today, I found out from my best friend’s text log that my friend group has been discussing doing swinger stuff, and they deliberately excluded my wife and I. When pressed, my former best friend said no one wanted to see us naked. FML
Today, because now Twitter shows the "For you" section automatically, the first thing I saw was some guy saying childless women are useless and pathetic. I wanted kids but had a hysterectomy because I was developing cancer. Seeing that brought back the pain and made me feel like crap. FML
Today my boyfriend overeats when he is upset, and normally keeps tight hold of his diet to control his weight. He assures me he’s happy about it, but since I told him I’m pregnant 3 weeks ago, he’s put on 28 pounds. FML
Today, my boyfriend of 5 years thought it would be funny to squat above my head completely naked while I was sleeping. When I woke up, his asshole and ball sack was in my face. FML
Today, it was my birthday. Two of my best friends forgot it, and so did my grandparents. All of my friends were busy, so I spent it alone in my car. FML
Today, I found out the Tinder girl I'd ghosted after going on a date with her committed suicide. They came to me for answers because I was the last known person that ever talked to her. FML
Today, I sent a spicy picture to my husband, since postpartum depression hit me really hard after having 3 babies, and made me hate myself. Thought I did real good, but all I got in response was a “Nice.” FML
Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML
Today, in my orchestra, I was one of the 2 instruments that starts first. The conductor raised his hands, but while I was waiting for the preparatory beats, I blinked. When I opened my eyes, the conductor had already started. I started late, in front of a thousand people. The conductor is still angry with me. FML
Today, I finally convinced my mother to allow me pursue my dream job after months of begging. I logged in to the college's website to register for the course and found that the final seat had been filled in today and I need to wait one more year for admission. FML
Today, I found out that after caring for all of my family and I’m about to get on with my own life, someone has dementia and I'm right back in the same spot I’ve been forever, stuck again with caring for someone else. This has been going on for 20 years. FML
Today, I asked my sister why she doesn’t visit our dad in hospital anymore. He’s been in a coma for months, but what she said was just nasty. Apparently, if she wanted to talk to a vegetable, she’d yell into the fridge once a week, at least it would save her the long bus ride. FML
Today, I found out that the guy who love-scammed me in 2019 has continued to scam other women, even though I caught him in his lies and presented all the evidence to him. This guy is on various dating apps and is seeking to make “arrangements” with young women, even though he has a wife and a newborn. FML
Today, I was doubting my boyfriend's feelings for me, so I asked him if he found me attractive. He replied, "Well, you're thin enough…" That's all. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years took offense to a "That's what she said joke", and blew up, saying she doesn't like those jokes. She thinks that she is the "She" of the jokes every time I guess. I tried explaining how the jokes work, but she wouldn't believe me. She says that I'm just lying. FML
Today, I loosened the lug nuts on a guy's tires since he won't stop parking in my assigned spot and the rental authority refused to do anything. His tire flew off as he was tearing down the highway and he totaled his car. Now I might get charged. FML
Today, I live in an apartment and all I can hear is my neighbours' bratty kids screaming with their new toys. Not only do I hate kids, making this absolute torture, I also work nights and only fell into bed at 6 a.m. this morning, so that’s 4 hours trying to sleep so far and I’m back at work in 5 hours. FML
Today, my stupid drunk dad was yelling for food and since my mum needed to finish her taxes before midnight, I told him to STFU and passed him prawn fried rice, which he told me to shove up my ass. I threw it in the bin, since he's the only meat eater in the family. When she'd finished, she yelled at me instead of him. FML
Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. I was about to suck his dick when my mom walked in. FML
Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML
Today, I had to hear yet another round of complaints about relatives or things from decades past from my broken record of a mother, who doesn't respect my need to quietly work from home. I'm about ready to smash my own head against the wall to get some peace and quiet, but I have to get this report done. FML
Today, I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double-tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML
Today, I woke up and realized I was soaked. The night before, I'd felt cramps so I was convinced it was my period… until I realized that my cat had marked his territory on me. All my sheets and blankets had to be removed. Yup, soaked right through! FML
Today, my friend, knowing my mental health is really bad right now, decided to yell out the fact I have an eating disorder, and how she never sees me eat ever, then started to talk about self-harm and how she would never do it despite what she has gone through. All while side-eyeing me when talking to other people. FML
Today, I had pizza for lunch, a cheesy burrito and cheese rice for dinner, topped off with a big bowl of ice cream. Three hours later, I puked it all up. I guess you never outgrow lactose intolerance. FML
Today, I'm a child star who made A LOT of money, TONS! My parents used it to pay all the bills of the house, claiming that we were really poor and needed this money. I charged over 5k per show (4 SHOWS A MONTH) and they would ONLY give me 20 dollars to spend. What happened to the rest? I will never know, I am SO BROKE. FML
Today, a gorgeous woman on a train told her friend she thought I was hot in Spanish, assuming I was a dumb gringo tourist. In fact, I speak Spanish fluently, my wife is Colombian, and she was standing right next to me. My wife can’t rationalize my street value, and made me sleep on the fold out. FML
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