Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML
Today, my mom was named principal of the school I go to. FML
Today, I realized that I’m one of those freaks: I took my cat on a walk. FML
Today, my boss is beginning to hate me. Why? Because people keep coming to my register with one or two dollars worth of stuff, then paying for it with hundred dollar bills, ignoring the sign saying not to do that. I’ve had to ask him to refill my till after every transaction. FML
Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML
Today, my (ex)girlfriend broke up with me because she read the horoscope and it stated that people of the Aquarius sign are toxic and emotionally volatile. I am Aquarius and did nothing wrong to my friends or family as far as I can recall. FML
Today, I caught my boyfriend making my cat dance to Cotton Eye Joe. FML
Today, one of my Economics students in all seriousness turned in a research paper about the 2021 Supply Chain Crisis, saying that Joe Biden is at fault and that "liberals who put feelings over policy" are to blame. He used sources such as the Daily Mail and even cited a YouTube video by Ben Shapiro. FML
Today, my girlfriend slapped a waxing strip on my beard because she is sick of quarantine and wanted to lash out at someone. FML
Today, I found myself in the unenviable position of buying tampons, chocolate, ice cream, and condoms for a woman I’m in love with, but am not dating. She asked me to get them since I was going to the shops anyway. I want to die. FML
Today, I proposed to my girlfriend by knocking on her door and kneeling in front of it. I forgot that her door opens outwards. FML
Today, after lecturing my daughter about being responsible with her money, she got a package from Amazon. What was in it? A lamp shaped like toast. She already has a lamp. FML
Today, my sister, who is now 19, gathered the guts to formally present her boyfriend to us. She was so concerned that my parents wouldn't let her have a boyfriend, she kept it a secret for 5 years. We were happy to hear it, until she presented him to us. He's a 35-year-old taxi driver. FML
Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML
Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML
Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML
Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings, and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML
Today, my mom has a habit of trying to pull out what she thinks are loose hairs in my beard. My beard hairs are actually just really, really long, not falling off. She'll confidently yank one that she thinks isn't attached, causing a sharp pain until she realizes it's attached. I don't know how to make her stop. FML
Today, I spent all day carefully preparing a wonderful homemade beef and vegetable stew from scratch. Close to dinner time, I tasted it and it was inedibly salty. Confused, my horrifically bratty stepdaughter then laughed and admitted she poured salt in it because it wasn’t what she wanted for dinner. FML
Today, I realized that I haven’t showered in a week. I feel disgusted that I took so long to notice, it didn’t even cross my mind at all. Due to my depression, I’ve lost all motivation. FML
Today, is the day I got my first tattoo. It's also the day where my mom screamed at me, gave me the silent treatment, and kicked me out of the house. Apparently I’m not considered her daughter anymore, because my skin is “damaged” now. I don’t have other family anywhere, and I have nowhere to go. FML
Today, I'm a proud non drug user, but I trusted an oat cookie at my brother's birthday, which was loaded with pot. Tomorrow is our mandatory drug screening at work, my job is government based, and I worked my ass off to get it. Anyone who tests positive or misses the test is sacked immediately. FML
Today, I went on a Tinder date. Sort of. I got ready and went to the bar he'd chosen. I waited 15 minutes for him to show. We exchanged ”Hellos,” then he said he was going to grab a drink and walked off. He didn’t come back. Damn, was it the way I said, “Hello”? FML
Today, a customer asked me if we serve spaghetti. She then asked for a manager because I was giving her a weird look, laughing softly when telling her yes, and apparently making her feel stupid. My manager wrote me up. I work at the Old Spaghetti Factory. FML
Today, one of my preschool students hit me in the nuts in front of my whole class. If that wasn't bad enough, the blow to my crotch instantly triggered a very audible fart. FML
Today, my husband chose to masturbate. I'm not getting laid for the forth night in a row, because initiating sex is too hard for him. Just once, I want to not have to initiate or flat out beg for it. FML
Today, while introducing my girlfriend to my family, everyone told me that she looked exactly like my mother. FML
Today, my roommate and I were talking about how much better my dog has gotten at not peeing in the house, and how I was doing better at not losing my temper when he did. A few hours after this conversation, the dog pissed all over the floor and I screamed so loudly that now my throat hurts. FML
Today, I got fired as a waiter because I refused to serve alcohol to a pregnant woman and she reported me. Turns out she's not pregnant, she's just a fat Karen. FML
Today, I brought a girl back to my place. She commented on how neat and clean everything was for a bachelor. I absentmindedly said, “Yeah, my mom comes over and cleans three times a week.” She made a face like I'd just told her I eat puppies or something, then made an excuse to leave. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
