Today, my crush, who’s notorious for only dating skinny girls, walked out of the break room. I turned to my friend and joked, “I may not be skinny, but I can suck a jawbreaker through a boba straw!” Turns out he came back because he forgot his phone. He most definitely heard me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I overheard my crush and his friend talking about girls they would date. When his friend mentioned me, my crush said, “If she wasn’t fat, hell yeah.” Choking back tears at school for the rest of the day was not an easy task. FML
Today, I noticed my crush of almost 3 years was talking to me a lot more at school. He seemed genuinely comfortable around me, even playing with my rings during class. I thought maybe I had a chance. Nope. A mutual friend just told me he likes another girl. A girl who coincidentally looks just like me but skinnier. FML
Today, I finally told my crush I liked him. He smiled and said, “That’s sweet, but I thought you knew I was seeing someone.” I laughed awkwardly and said, “Of course, I was just joking!” Then I immediately tripped over my own bag while leaving. FML
Today, my crush was walking up to me and I put my earphones in, playing hard to get. When I heard him say something about a date I take an earphone out and say, "Oh, I didn't see you there!" His response, "They're not connected to anything," holds up the end of my earphones and walks away. FML
Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and, instead of talking to him, I burped, and he just walked away. FML
Today, I found out that my crush had a girlfriend. The way I found it out? He hugged me from behind, calling her name and saying darling, etc. When I turned around in shock, he quickly backed away and said, "Sorry , I thought you were someone else." FML
Today, I was rejected by my crush at work, because I'm "too ripped." FML
Today, my crush took me out to lunch. When the waiter came for our orders he ordered onoin rings and looks at me and says, "I won't be kissing anyone tonight anyways." FML
Today, I was at a party with my crush, but I didn’t talk to him. After, I walked out to my car, and saw a dent in my car. I then noticed that the dent was exactly the size of my crush’s head. FML
Today, this really cute guy at work kept flirting with me and cracking the funniest jokes. Before he left, he told me how much he enjoyed making me smile. An hour later, I saw my reflection in a mirror, I had a huge piece of food stuck in my teeth. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
marcelmg 10
Ok, when is your date with him?
TorreyTurner 3
Shoot your shot
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (9)
marcelmg 10
Ok, when is your date with him?
ahabsfan 17
How are you with sucking chrome?
John Raymond Matheney 6
hahaha
TorreyTurner 3
Shoot your shot
RichardPencil 32
You know, achieving high vacuum is not a desirable effect in fellatio. Sucking is just a figure of speech, not a quantity to be maximized!
bloopaloop 27
You’re a pump operating at zero flow rate. Any engineers in the room???
RichardPencil 32
That is, until the jawbreaker breaks free of the boba straw and then there will be a sudden flow of air into the sucker's lungs.
bloopaloop 27
Pressure across a pump is called head. Higher the pressure differential the lower the flow. At zero flow rate the pump is giving “maximum head”
RichardPencil 32
True, but that's not the BEP.
tounces7 28
So your crush is a notorious shallow womanizer. Maybe raise your standards a bit before you go out and buy another boba straw.
magnumpeyote66 6
Guess I missed the womanizer part....
tounces7 28
You don't become "Notorious" for dating skinny girls if you aren't a womanizer. That would indicate he has dated a significant number of them.
magnumpeyote66 6
Idk seems like your way in
BurnInDemonFire 39
You can still have a friends-with-benefits thing with him. He can close his eyes, and pretend he's getting blown by a skinny girl, and you can see if you're able to suck his **** so hard you end up sucking his testicles right outta his nutsack. It won't be a meaningful relationship, and you're definitely not gonna grow old together, dying in each other's arms surrounded by 3 generations of your family, but it will be a lot of superficial fun, and in the end, what matters most is how awesome it was to suck your crush's ****, even if he was never attracted to you.
wrenavery90 12
Oh come on. You obviously wanted him to hear you.
DLBL 23
Right? Why else would someone say such a thing at work?