Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML
Today, we moved desks for the umpteenth time, and my supervisor stuffed me in a corner by the door with no one around to talk to. The worst thing is I hear the badge reader beep every few seconds. It's already driving me crazy. FML
Today, my dog-obsessed wife complained that we never have sex anymore. Call me crazy but constantly hearing her say how dogs are better than husbands, sleeping with three huge dogs in bed every night, and watching her shove her tongue in the dogs’ mouths doesn’t exactly whip me into a sexual frenzy. FML
Today, my uncle is on vacation with his friend, who sent us a video of their hotel room. He captured a glimpse of my uncle in the shower. Naked. This can't be unseen. FML
Today, I learned that not only is my husband having an affair with my own mother, but my whole family knew. They were keeping it a secret from me for 3 months. FML
Today, my sad ass got walked in on by a relative while I was having an imaginary conversation, with an imaginary friend, and I was talking out loud. FML
Today, I found myself sitting in the bathroom at work searching the internet for the alcohol and caloric content of cool mint Listerine. I now believe that I may have a problem. FML
Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML
Today, I live in the same country that deployed the National Guard to suppress peaceful BLM protests, yet allowed a bunch of psychotic Trump supporters to break into the Capitol. I’m ashamed to be human right now. FML
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with some kinky role play. I chose a sexy naughty nun's outfit, complete with head cover, thigh-high stockings and crotchless panties. I guess my outfit was a little too convincing, because he couldn’t get it up. Thanks Catholic guilt. FML
Today, my 5-year-old daughter had to find pictures of animals that she felt represented each member of her family. This was the one she chose for me. I think she might be trying to imply something. FML
Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML
Today, I learned there's no feeling quite as painful as being stuck on the toilet at 2 a.m. and hearing your dog sneak into your room and eat your dinner, all while being completely powerless to stop it. FML
Today, I bought a delicious $17 lobster sandwich at a restaurant on the beach. The seagull who zoomed in and ripped it out of my hands as I was about to take the first bite seemed to enjoy it very much. FML
Today, the handle on our front door broke, leaving us unable to open it. We got a guy to come to sort it out, but all he succeeded in doing was completely wrecking the door. He says he can come back next week. We have no other way out of the house. FML
Today, I was sitting behind some bushes in the dark enjoying the view, when some cops came and confiscated my night-vision goggles, then warned me for acting like a "creepy perv." FML
Today, I got my septum piercing stuck in a bag of cinnamon pine cones at Target. My boyfriend was wearing a red shirt with khaki pants, so all the other shoppers probably thought I'd had to call a Target employee over to "cut" me out of the bag. FML
Today, I was stalking my ex-husband’s Facebook. He looks so happy with his new, supermodel-perfect girlfriend who he left me for. She’s everything I’m not. I kinda regret giving birth to two kids and my body changing forever. He’d still be with me. FML
Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She then proceeded to ask for all the gifts she gave me for Christmas back. FML
Today, my mom went into a full war against dirt and plastic-wrapped our entire house. The floor, furniture, even our feet now have to be covered in plastic. Everything squeaks. FML
Today, after 27 years of dedicated and loyal service, it finally happened, I was robbed at gunpoint at work. The whole heist only took about 30 seconds and the perpetrator took off without taking anything from me. I still don't get it. What kind of screwball would hijack a garbage truck? FML
Today, on the train, a man kept grabbing my crotch. When I told him to stop, I got yelled at for harassing an elderly man. FML
Today, I opened up an English textbook to find someone else's dirty fingernails between the pages. FML
Today, I realised just how skewed my reality is when I was pleasantly surprised that teenagers threw eggs at my windows. They usually throw rocks. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML
Today, I found out that I was misdiagnosed with ADHD 10 years ago and instead have bipolar disorder. For the last 10 years I have been taking meds that helped me focus on my manic / depressive state. FML
Today, I learned that my husband “accidentally” let the dog out and allowed her to be eaten by an alligator because I got a male coworker, who is also a good friend of mine, a birthday present. We had an argument about our friendship, which apparently bothers him. I’d had that dog since I was a junior in high school. FML
Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML
Today, my mother-in-law came over. Probably thinking that the needles in our fridge were steroids, and wanting to do the right thing, she took them to throw them away. I'm diabetic, and they were my insulin. I went into shock after she left and had to go to the hospital. FML
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