Today, my dog-obsessed wife complained that we never have sex anymore. Call me crazy but constantly hearing her say how dogs are better than husbands, sleeping with three huge dogs in bed every night, and watching her shove her tongue in the dogs’ mouths doesn’t exactly whip me into a sexual frenzy. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I hate my wife’s dog. It destroys everything in the house, it destroys my garden, she barks constantly in her bed, and when I walk her she tries to attack every living thing she sees, but the instant I talk to my wife about her behaviour, I get yelled at for being mean. FML
Today, I didn’t get to have Valentine's sex because the dog we just rescued is so attached to my husband that she tries to bite me every time I go near him. I seriously don’t think I’ve touched my husband once in over a week, and I’ve been bitten twice. FML
Today, my wife kicked me out of my own bed to go and sleep on the sofa because the dog was whining, and would only stop if she was allowed to sleep on my side of the bed. My wife would rather sleep with the dog than me. FML
Today, my dog is much too fond of barking at me loudly and at length for no reason. So is my girlfriend. FML
Today, I've come to the realization that my girlfriend's mini Australian Shepherd dictates everything, from a hug and kiss goodbye, to when we try to have sex. The worst part is she won't do anything about it. Looks like another night with the damn dog between us… FML
Today, I was exhausted after three solid weeks of having my kids. After I got home, my dog decided to get intimate with his stuffed animal toy. I now know what my dog’s dong looks like, and that he’s gotten more action in the last two months than I have. FML
Today, my wife complained that our sex life is too boring and vanilla. I have spent the last two years suggesting ideas to keep it interesting: S&M, swinging, roleplay, cosplay, public play, new toys, you name it. All I ever hear is, "Eww you pervert, that is disgusting and sick, how dare you even mention that." FML
Today, my husband complained about my lack of sex drive. Gee, I wonder why, Mr. "Always comes first by humping for a whopping 30 seconds." FML
Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML
Today, as I watched my male and female dogs frolic, play, and lick each other, it occurred to me there's more love and romance between them than I have ever had in my whole damned life. FML
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Top comments
Marcella1016 32
I have never ever understood how/why people let dogs lick them in their mouths. They lick their balls, eat shit, and everything in between. And I’ve seen videos of people letting their dogs lick all over their babies’ faces and in their mouths too. Like wtf guys?? 🤮🤮🤮
BurnInDemonFire 39
Not sure why she wants to have sex with you. Sounds like she's already getting it from her dogs.
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Comments (14)
Bonniibiik 6
Ew.
Bonniibiik 6
Ew.
BurnInDemonFire 39
Not sure why she wants to have sex with you. Sounds like she's already getting it from her dogs.
Marcella1016 32
I have never ever understood how/why people let dogs lick them in their mouths. They lick their balls, eat shit, and everything in between. And I’ve seen videos of people letting their dogs lick all over their babies’ faces and in their mouths too. Like wtf guys?? 🤮🤮🤮
BurnInDemonFire 39
Other way around. OP's wife is the one initiating the make out sessions with her dogs.
RichardPencil 32
Ok, you are crazy! Your wife French kisses her dogs and you're still around? That's crazy! You don't French kiss dogs -- except French bulldogs, because they're so cute with their little smushed-in faces that it's ok.
randybryant799 21
You seem jealous of the dogs.
great_nate 26
🤮
Charlie Given 28
Just simply tell her watching her make out with the dogs makes you want to barf, so that's a turn off and also let her know having three huge mutts in the bed is a **** block. Like serious your dogs are in your bed that's ******* gross, they're barefoot they step in their own piss and shit all day, that's just as nasty as her kissing them. I mean Christ I'm an animal lover but that shit would be a deal breaker for me.
Charlie Given 28
And moderators please add a barfing pumpkin emoji to the selection cuz this FML really needs one!!
Brightside86 31
I dated a girl who insisted on her 2 dogs and 2 cats being in the bedroom during sex. Why are normal people are to find?